Saturday, December 31, 2005

EMAIL ALERTS!!!!

Okay here it comes...my stupid e-mail rant! No...me, myself and I are not stupid...but the e-mail was laughably stupid.

This didn't come in, as in the form of a question, but as one of the regular and mainly misplaced alerts that my friends seem so hell-bent on foisting on the unsuspecting population of North America. It is no wonder that the rest of the world thinks Americans are idiots!

But I digress...the email alerted me in this fashion:

Someone told me last week that hanging a CD in the windscreen can send police radar guns crazy, thus avoiding a reading. Since hearing this I've noticed a few truckers with a line of CD's hanging across the bottom of the windscreen.

Okay, so what did I do after ROFLOL??? See, I've learned that when I get an e-mail from this particular friend (sorry A.A.) the first thing I do is set down anything that I am holding that has an inhaled projectile quality.

Next I went to some of my favorite urban myth sites. And low and behold that exact e-mail text was on the site. It also listed other methods bantered about as mercurial cures for being caught at speeding (ei. Breaking the law!) Remember, my daddy was a cop!

The list included:

1.) Hanging a compact disc from your car's rear view mirror (give me a break...I know people that have half their house dangling from the rearview mirror and it hasn't helped them!)

2.) Stash balls of tinfoil in your vehicle's hubcaps or wrap the hubcaps themselves with this material. ("Balls," she says as she looks out at the audience and smiles mischievously..) Bad Bonnie...bad Bonnie...go back to sleep! Anyhow this method is about as helpful as wearing a colander covered with tinfoil to keep the aliens from reading your mind!

3.) Festoon your jalopy's antenna with strips of tinfoil....Now this one must have been around for a while 'cause no one calls a car a jalopy any more. We have a whole generation that don't even know what a record player is, let alone a jalopy! Besides, many car antennas are in the back now, so unless the cop is trying to shoot you in the butt, that one wouldn't help even if it did work.

4.) Apply mylar strips to you chariot's license plate. Now that one might work except I don't remember any radar guns in Ben Hur...Although there was that blooper in the movie where one of the 'cast of thousands' raised his sword in a charge scene and there was a wrist watch on him....Ooops!...so much for authentic realism!

A episode of a show called Mythbusters that aired on Oct. 13, 2004 included hanging a disco ball from the rearview mirror, covering the car entirely with aluminum foil and painting the car with flat black paint to scatter the radar's laser beams. None worked.

Now I don't know about you...but even if something that...that...down bad Bonnie, down! Sigh...even if it worked who in the........would drive around in something that looked like that, other than maybe a John Travolta look-alike playing the 8-track tape of Saturday Night Fever??

Notice I didn't say CD...no because it's hanging off the tailpipe for added insurance...Sheesh!

Anyhow, the site goes on to say that outfitting ones auto with shiny things to render it invisible to police radar dates back to at least the 1980's and is common in both Canada and the U.S

NOW HERE'S ONE THAT YOU CAN TAKE SERIOUSLY!!!

If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.

• It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

• It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

• It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers.

• This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

• It will cause your toilet to flush while you are showering.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??

• It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

• It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine.

• If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

• It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows

• It will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.
Send this warning to everyone!!!.

ROFLOL....HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!


Friday, December 30, 2005

QUESTIONS???--#2

Sheesh, I got another question in my e-mail...Tell me now, do I look like Oprah!

On second though, don't answer that! That particular line of rhetoric caused a civil war in Snarkland a few months ago.

Okay let's finish up with yesterday. My dear friend M.G. informed me by way of comment that Hindsight is Women's Contemporary Humor cause the protagonist is 32. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but I know 32 year old women would love to be called 'chicks', especially if they tell the truth about their age.....Okayyyy...on to the next subject before I get in trouble.

Another good friend, Dennie has a penchant for being first...well she better get her little butt over here and be the first to comment. She's probably sitting outside this window, in the cold, in the dark, waiting for me to come with the keys and let her in...Okay, I'm getting carried away, but she likes being on time.

My Dad was really anal retentive about...WHAT??...don't look at me like that, it's a real word...yes it is...look it up! Anyhow...like Dennie, if he wasn't fifteen minutes early, he considered himself late! He even lined us up at the bathroom a half an hour early so that we didn't hold him up.

Now, come on! Kids, bathrooms....what's the odds of them needing to go in another half hour...that's the part that would send him into apoplectic seizure...Oh, geez...I just realized I called Dennie, anal retentive....SORRY DENNIE!!mea cupa, mea cupa!! I'd better move on!

Sweet, sweet Andrea informed me that she was not as super human as I thought. She wasn't actually making lunches at 6AM, she was in fact in the grocery store buying the fixin's at 6AM....after her bike spin class.....AFTER....6AM...God give me strength!

That's not right that someone should be up exercising at that ungodly hour! This woman is superhuman! I think she's going to give us ordinary women a bad name. We're going to be expected to keep up! Go over and look at the post behind her name. That's a 23 line, two day schedule....and there's time in there for sleep...(shaking my head...can you see me?)

Okay...drum roll please...so pretend!

I don't know if this is a real or fake question, but it did come up after I commented on another Blog belonging to my Christian radio worker friend, Joe Scoggins. He's got a sweet wife named Bonnie. I don't know, I'm just partial to that name...no, your not...yes, I am...go back to sleep!

The question is: How do YOU people read the Bible, and do you really understand what you read? I can never understand any of it!

Okay, the 'YOU' people made me immediately think that this person is not a Christian. (If I am mistaken E-mail me back and we'll discuss it!)

I would say that yes, I read the Bible daily. Yes, I understand what I'm reading. You see, being a Christian is like being in a secret club. When we accept Jesus, the Holy Spirit comes to live in us and help us to interpret what we read. No foolin'...the Bible tells us, that we understand because the Holy spirit guides us!

Now that's the end of Bonnie, the Bible study teacher. Here comes that other Bonnie that I just told to shut up and go to sleep!

The Bible is God's letter to Believers! Yo! What are you doing reading somebody elses mail...that's a Federal offense!

*************


This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

QUESTIONS?????????

My dear sweet friend Andrea of "Adventures of an Ordinary Christian" fame has asked me some questions.

And the answers are(cue the drum roll if you please) yes, yes, so-so, some make my head split open, yea-but they turn me down. LOL Didn't make much sense, did it? Something got lost in the translation! Okay...here goes!

This dear woman has somehow got it in her head that I actually know what I'm doing here. Now if that isn't the blind leading the blind, I don't know what is. Andrea's writing is so much more prolific than mine. And I take her to be hysterically funny at times. I judge funny by how many times someone makes me shoot coffee out my nose, all over my keyboard.

But she's like a little energizer bunny....she just keeps going and going. She listed her schedule one day that involved a good twenty-five things to do including ferrying children to assorted activities.

Shoot...they'd of put me in jail for forgetting my children at the drive up window at Micky D's. (I only shoved the littlest one thru that stupid little window once.) And it was only because I couldn't get the attention of the bouncy little cheerleader type who didn't put ketchup packets in the bag with the hamburgers, that were supposed to be cheeseburgers!

Andrea also does lunches....imagine that...she actually admitted that she almost counted the neigbor kid in her lunch count. The best part of this was that she's doing a lunch count at six o'clock in the morning. Now that's a June Cleaver moment.....God bless her little heart. At six AM, I'm just rolling over, and it ain't to get out of the bed!

She's got the patience of Job and the stamina of Rocky Balboa and she's asking me questions....I'm humbled!

Okay, here's the questions: Am I good at editing writing?...to that I'd say yes.

It's always easier when it's not your own. Although I can't write a synopsis to save my life. I have one that ran throught the Crap-o-meter over at Miss Snark's I'm #14. I turned an approximately 4000 word synopsis into 1000 words and messed it up royally. Oh well, live and learn. And I am learning a lot from all the other synopsis' that she's critiquing. There will be approximately 106 when all is said and done.

Now that's another woman that has stamina!

Am I good at grammar and punctuation....yes, 'cause I've got the books...Elements of Style by Strunk and White, Chicago Manual of Style by Univ. of Chicago Press, and the Little Style Guide by Goss. Hey, you don't think I'm that smart on my own, do ya'?

Does certain types of writing styles or lack of, bother you. Well...let's see...If I don't feel like poking myself in the eye with a sharp stick after I read it, or my head doesn't spin around, split open and I don't spew pea soup all over the place after I read it, then I guess it's okay.....No seriously, I like to read action, adventure, thriller, and mystery type stuff.

But my friend M.C. Pearson has written a delightful YA fantasy tale that I've read all the way through and I just love it. And a very dear new friend M.G. Tarquini has a fabulously funny (I mean coffee shooting out the nose, pee your pants funny)story that she's still working on called Hindsight. I don't know how she'd catagorize it, maybe Chick Lit (forgive me M.G. if it isn't...I'll print a retraction!)

And last but not least. Do I write letters to the Editor? I used to until they threatened to have me arrested. No...just kidding! I used to...not get arrested, I mean....well there was that one time...

See my father was a police officer...which in itself should have been my signal for doom but...One day, in my early twenties I went to my parent's house to do my laundry. I happened to look out the porch window and in the alley behind my parents house, three gorilla sized truck-driver types were pushing around my 98 pound weakling foster brother(I found out later he was frolicking with one of the truckers women!)

I yelled for my Mom to call my Dad (who was on duty) meanwhile I unscrewed the handle from Mom's industrial strength pushbroom and ran down the back stairs. Now, in hindsight.....it was about the stupidest..well almost stupidest...thing I could have done.(Fools rush in where angels fear to tread, comes to mind!)

I came out the back door swinging, and as long as I kept the big, long stick moving they couldn't get at me. The whole thing only lasted about a minute and a half, because when the call went out that Jonesy's wife needed help, three police cars, including my father converged on the alley.

One of the guys got a dislocated jaw, one had a busted nose and the other one had a big goose egg on his head. They wanted me arrested for assualt (forgetting that they were beating my puny foster-brother to a pulp when I showed up) My father readily agreed with them, but he told them that first he was calling up the Times to come and take a picture of me and my broom handle. Then he was going to put me and them on the front page of the morning paper (I only weighed about 120 Lbs at the time),saying I had been arrested for beating them up.....They changed their minds.....so no, I haven't been arrested and I don't write letters to the Editor...I Blog!

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Truth about Kwanzaa

Here I go, getting myself in trouble again, but sometimes you gotta' do what you gotta' do!

I have had several e-mails from people who have asked me why I did a post on Christmas and Hannukah, but I didn't do one on Kwanzaa, and they wanted to know why.

Well here's my answer...

I am a born-again, evangelical Christian. Christmas is the commemoration of the birthday of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Hannukah is a celebration of overcoming tyranny and experiencing a miracle. It is also a holiday in our Holy Bible celebrated by Jesus. It is the Feast of Dedication spoke of in John 10:22.

Kwanzaa, is a black-oriented holiday invented in 1966 by Dr. Maulana Karenga. On September 17, 1971, this same man was handed one to ten years in prison because of charges filed in 1970 where Karenga and two of his cohorts tortured two women that he accused of trying to kill him.

Karenga beat the women with an electrical cord and a karate baton after ordering them to strip naked. The one woman had a hot soldering iron put in her mouth and palced against her face. That not being sufficient torture, Kurenga also put detergent and running hoses in their mouths.

But ya' know who am I to throw stones...we all make mistakes...rightttttt!

Initially Kwanzaa developed because Karenga held a hostility toward Western religion. he wrote in his 1980 book, Kawaida Theory, "denies and diminishes human worth, capacity, potential and achievement. In Christian and Jewish mythology, humans are born in sin, cursed with mythical ancestors who've sinned and brought the wrath of an angry God on every generation's head."

He similarly opposed belief in God and other "spooks who threaten us if we don't worship them and demand we turn over our destiny and daily lives." Thus, Karenga explained in his 1977 Kwanzaa: Origin, Concepts, Practice, "Kwanzaa is not an imitation, but an alternative, in fact, an oppositional alternative to the spookism, mysticism and non-earth based practices which plague us as a people and encourage our withdrawal from social life rather than our bold confrontation with it."

The holiday "was chosen to give a Black alternative to the existing holiday and give Blacks an opportunity to celebrate themselves and history rather than simply imitate the practice of the dominant society."

Since then, the holiday has gained mainstream adherents, and Karenga has altered its justification so as not to alienate practicing Christians: "Kwanzaa was not created to give people an alternative to their own religion or religious holiday," he writes in Kwanzaa: A Celebration of Family, Community, and Culture, published in 1997.

So, would I as a black, american, Christain woman celebrate this, this Kwanzaa...not with a ten foot pole!

I know there will be people out there who get riled up by my comments.

If you have a nasty opinion of my commentary, keep them to yourselves!

E-mail Etiquette

Yea, I know I already used the little head-banger guy, but I really like him...it's me!

Big companies don't do business via chain letter. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. AppleBee's is not giving away gift certificates, and if Hotmail was going to delete your account, sending another chain letter would not prevent this.

There is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on "just in case it's true." Furthermore, just because someone said in the message, four generations back that "we checked it out and it's legit," does not actually make it true.

Nobody, and I mean nobody (with the possible exception of the FBI, if you have terrorist connections) can tell who you forward your email to. Yahoo, Hotmail, AOL, and ICQ can figure out whether you're active by looking at their own computers. They do, after all, provide the service.

There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up in a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened to their cousin. If you are hell-bent on believing the kidney-theft stories, please see Snopes.com And I quote: "the National Kidney Foundation has asked any individual who claims to have had his or her kidneys illegally removed to step forward and contact them. So far no one's showed up." That's "no one" as in "zero." Not even your friend's cousin.

Neiman Marcus doesn't really sell a $200 cookie recipe. And even if they do, we all have it. And even if you don't, you can get a copy at: Cookie Recipe Then, if (and only if) you make the recipe, and decide the cookies are that awesome, feel free to pass the recipe on.

We all know all 500 ways to drive your roommates crazy, irritate co-workers and creep out people on an elevator. We also know exactly how many engineers, college students, Usenet posters, and people from each and every world ethnicity it takes to change a light bulb.

Even if the latest NASA rocket disaster(s) did contain plutonium that went to particulate over the eastern seaboard, do you really think this information would reach the public via an AOL chain-letter?

There is no "Good Times" virus. In fact, you should never, never ever forward any email containing any virus warning unless you first confirm it at an actual company that actually deals with viruses. Try Norton.com And NEVER delete a file, or change your computer's settings, because of a chain-letter warning.

If your TO: list is regularly longer than the actual content of your message, you're probably going to Hell.

If you still absolutely must forward that 10th-generation message from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the eight miles of headers showing everyone else who's received it over the last 6 months. It sure wouldn't hurt to get rid of all the ">>>>>>" that begin each line. Besides, if it has gone around that many times, I've probably already seen it!

Chain letters do not bring you luck. Consider the pathetic son-of-a-gun you just received it from. Is he particularly lucky? Is he driving a new car? Are the supermodels beating a path to his door? Is he comparing financial statements with Bill Gates? Does he have any friends he hasn't met through cyberspace? If not, sending out his chain letter, which is guaranteed to annoy all your friends, is not going to bring you any luck, either.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Happy Chanukah

This year the Jewish calendar is late so the celebration begins at sundown today and goes to January 2nd. These dates translate to 25 Kislev to 2 Tevet on the Hebrew calendar.

Chanukah or the Festival of Lights, is a celebration of the victory of the Maccabees and the rededication of the Jerusalem Temple more than 2,000 years ago. At that time the Temple had been seized, and Judaism had been outlawed. Judah Maccabee and his followers fought for three years for their freedom and successfully recaptured Jerusalem and the Temple.

History teaches that the Maccabees found only one small bottle of oil to be used for temple rituals, but that oil lasted eight days and nights. The miracle of this enduring light, remembered through the lighting of the Menorah, continues to symbolize the triumph of faith over tyranny.

I choose to honor this celebration and all Jewish holidays for one reason. My Lord, Jesus Christ (Yeshua Hamashia in Hebrew) was Jewish, and he celebrated all of the feasts and the holidays, and if he had been on this earth when this victory was proclaimed, I rest assured that He would have celebrated also.

There is some confusion about the actual spelling of Chanukah. Part of the reason is due to the fact there is no exact English translation of the Hebrew word for Chanukah. So out of the thirteen spellings, I prefer this one.

Shalom, my friends and have a Happy Hannukah!

The story of Christmas comes from the Bible. Here is the way it is told by Luke 2:7-16...

And she brought forth her first born son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone around about them; and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them,

"Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto to you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger."
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,

"Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men."

And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another,

"Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known to us."

And they came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger.


MERRY CHRISTMAS to all!

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Things to keep you busy!

It's almost CHRISTMAS!!!

Just in case you don't have enough things to keep you busy, or you haven't lapsed into a carb-coma from eating too much candy, here are some fun things to do!

There are 2 snowflake cutting programs that people have showed me. Make-a-Flake, then we have Snowdays. They are about the same but fun all the same.

For those who like to make snowmen or women, and don't want to go out into the cold, cruel weather, sit at your computer and spend as many mindless hours as I did, laughing at my own creations. The Snow Gallery is a lot of fun.

And a real hoot, is the SnowGlobe. It has music, sound and animation. The best part is that you get to shake it. I laughed mindlessly as I sent the little, yodelling, skiing participants into a mindless swirling frenzy! (Too many carbs!)

An last but not least, for those who have always been temped to pop CHRISTMAS tree bulbs, Christmas Light Smashfest should do a body good. They even make noise when they pop.


My dear friend Bonnie Scroggins sent me this picture of an albino deer baby. It just seems to fit with the season! You can see how tiny it is by the sneaker sitting behind it. It would get lost in the snow!

So go, have fun, enjoy the family, enjoy your friends and...

Friday, December 23, 2005

Thinking of you all at this most joyous CHRISTmas season!!!!

Especially Bernita, my dear sweet pixie Mimi and now, my newly dyed brunette friend Dennie!

"Joy to the World"...oh, right...Oh, Joy, I've been tagged! She wants five random weird things about me...pick five from the list!

I want to extend this thanks to ALL of my wonderful friends who have brought so much JOY into my life by sending me e-mail chain letters and now...tagging me with the Blog equivalent of a chain letter. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern...

1. I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

2. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

3. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

4. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

5. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

6. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

7. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

8. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our troops.

9. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

10. I no longer eat prepackaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay.

11. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

12. I no longer go to bars because someone will drug me and take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

13. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to 7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.

14. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who has been dying for the past seven years.

15. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I will now return the favor.

If you don't send this post to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will fly over your head at 5:00pm and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest...., well, you get the picture.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend's neighbor's cousin, and he's a lawyer.

Merry CHRISTmas!

And by the way, I just can't bring myself to do this to anyone! So from me...you're all off the hook! Joy to the world!

Thursday, December 22, 2005

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list AND NOW U R LOL at yourself. ;>)

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Christmas Fun

At the annual Christmas party, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift.

She shooked it, held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is - flowers!"

"That's right!" said the boy, "but how did you know?"

"Just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter.

The teacher held her gift overhead, shooked it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is - a box of candy!"

"That's right! But how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Just a lucky guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son.


The teacher held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking.

She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?"

The boy replied, "A puppy!"





Monday, December 19, 2005

CHRISTMAS, CHRISTMAS, CHRISTMAS


This is a Christmas tree.

It is not a Hanukkah bush,

it is not an Allah plant,

it is not a Holiday hedge.

It is a Christmas tree.


Say it... CHRISTmas , CHRISTmas , CHRISTmas


Yes. CHRISTmas - celebrating the Birth of Jesus Christ!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS - HAPPY NEW YEAR!



Excuse my rantings, but I am tired of having everything 'christian' obliterated so as to not offend others.

We as Christians, have not tried to change the name of Hanukkah, or Ramaddan, or Kwanza or any other holiday for that matter. Could you imagine the worldwide outcry if we tried.

So then, why is it that people think they can change Christmas to make it all inclusive.

It is not all inclusive. It is the day we choose as a celebration of our Lord and Savior's birth....Jesus!

To all those celebrating the day...Merry Christmas!

For the rest, that are offended by it...Merry Christmas!

Saturday, December 17, 2005

ANOTHER TAKE ON THE MANGER

You've got to go over to Ballpoint Wren's. The post is hysterical. I'll never look at the Baby Jesus the same again!

ABOUT HER LOSS

There were two twins, Joe and John.

Joe was the owner of a old dilapidated boat.

It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Joe's boat sank.

A few days later a kindly old woman saw Joe, and mistaking him for John. Said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible"

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat, said "Fact is, I'm sort of glad to get rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front, too. Every time I used her the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time for the weekend. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow and were willing to pay. The fools all tried to get in her at the same time and split her right down the middle."

The old woman fainted.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

DEATH OF A ROLL MODEL

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community...

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, HungryJack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.

He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven.

He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

The Christian Fiction Blog Alliance selection this month is Landon Snow and the Auctor's Riddle.

Randall K Mortenson does an excellent job with his YA (young adult) fantasy novel, weaving a tale reminiscent of an Alice in Wonderland type journey with a boy character rather than a girl.

Landon goes to visit his grandparents who live in a town built long ago by a man who made his money in the fishing industry. The man's legacy to the town was the library he built and stocked with his own book collection. The main collection room was named after the man, the Bartholomew G. Benneford House of Knowledge and Adventure.

Landon's adventure begins when his grandfather is taken to the hospital because of an accident. The young boy begins to wonder if "everything is just an accident?"

This is an amazing Christian adventure that follows Landon through the bookcase in his grandfather's study into a world of visions and dreams as he attempts to solve the riddle.

On Randall Mortenson's website he has a list of his book signing tour. His next book in the series, Landon Snow and the Shadows of Malus Quidam will be out in the spring of 2006.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

'Tis the season to be jolly....yea, yea (No! Not the Beatles)

Two weeks till Christmas and I'm already making myself nuts. This is the beginning...the tree.

Now I'm on to festooning the outside of the house with enough lights to make Chevy Chase's Christmas Vacation proud.

Yes the electric company does send me a congratulations card every January in the form of a bill that needs to be delivered in a box! Just kidding!

Friday, December 09, 2005

ANIMAL ESCAPADE - #7




These pictures are from my home town of Scranton, Pennsylvania. My sister, Robin sent them to me. The Hibernating Bear chose to sleep out the winter under a porch on the outskirts of the city. It was tranquilized, dragged out and shipped off to a safe distance from town. No bears were hurt the shooting of these pictures.

A few added quips, that have nothing to do with the above story:

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away...and you have their shoes...

If at first you don't succeed...skydiving is not for you.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

A DAY OF INFAMY

Franklin Roosevelt addressed a joint session of congress on December 8th, 1941:

"Yesterday, December 7th, a date which will live in infamy, the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan."

The dictionary defines infamy as an evil reputation brought about by something grossly criminal, shocking or brutal.

But time heals all wounds, and this particular day has obtained a softer sadder significance. Most of those involved have passed away and our newer generations don't even understand a LP record, let alone a war that happened that long ago.

Let us remember and offer a prayer for those who gave their lives so that we may live free. Since there is no specific day to honor our soldiers who are giving their lives for us daily, I chose this opportunity to honor them also.....

We all came together, Both young and old. To fight for our freedom, To stand and be bold.

In the midst of all evil, We stand our ground, And we protect our country from all terror around.



Peace and not war, Is what some people say. But I'll give my life, So you can live the American way.


I give you the right to talk of your peace. To stand in your groups, and protest in our streets.


But still I fight on, I don't bitch, I don't whine. I'm just one of the people Who is doing your time.


I'm harder than nails, Stronger than any machine, I'm the immortal soldier. I'm a U.S. MARINE

So stand in my shoes, And leave from your home. Fight for the people who hate you, With the protests they've shown.


Fight for the stranger. Fight for the young. So they all may have, The greatest freedom you've won.


Fight for the sick, Fight for the poor, Fight for the cripple, Who lives next door.

But when your time comes, Do what I've done. For if you stand up for freedom, You'll stand when the fight's done.


FREEDOM ISN'T FREE


....someone pays for you and me

"We can't change the winds but we can adjust our sails."

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

TO ZIP OR NOT TO ZIP

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."

Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."

He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door."

He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?"

The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags".

Monday, December 05, 2005

Over at Bonnie Wren's, her dog Mojo (the cujo of dogs) has found another item in the house....Personally I think the dog's part goat!

Here's another animal to...eh hem....enjoy:

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind, and she had three sons who wanted to prove which one was the best to her.

Son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion, thinking this would surely be the best that any of them could offer her.

Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included, thinking this would surely win her approval.

Son #3 had to do something even better, so he bought her a parrot that he had been training for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could ask the parrot any verse in the Bible, and he could quote it word for word. What a gift that would be.

Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous, but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's too large to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."

Then she confronted her second son with, "Son, the car is beautiful. It has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and really don't like the chauffeur, so please return the car."

Next, she went to Son #3 and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for your most thoughtful gift. That chicken was delicious."

The Things We Do For Love

by Sherri Bailey


It's funny how things you haven't thought about in years suddenly and unexpectedly show up in your thoughts.

Yesterday, while driving back from a field trip with my son's fourth grade class, I remembered a night some twenty-two years ago that I'm sure I had managed to block out of my conscious mind due to the sheer level of embarrassment it caused. All these years later, I can finally laugh at the memory. At least I think I can.

I was eighteen-years-old and freshly dumped by the man I thought would be my husband. My Grandmother had passed away and for the first time in two years, I was between boyfriends. I was depressed and on the prowl for a replacement model (fiancé, not Grandmother) when I decided to visit my Mother in Ft. Knox, Kentucky.

Ft. Knox is an army base and as such, it is always teeming with young, disciplined, lonely men. Any female with most of her teeth can find a man on a military base. I was gonna get me one.

In 1982, eighteen was old enough to be granted access to the clubs on post as well as old enough to drink... as long as it was only beer or wine. The only catch was you had to have an active duty military member agree to sign you into the club. My step-father was such a person. I was all set to go to the NCO club (non-commissioned officers) that Friday night to hunt for a husband.

I spent the entire day in preparation. In much the same way you wash, wax and detail a car before you try to sell it, I was making sure my chassis was in mint condition.

I carefully applied vampire red, insanely long Lee Press On Nails. Rather than take any chance one might pop off and leave me claw challenged, I decided to go one better than the little sticky tabs that come in the package. I grabbed a bottle of Super Glue... the same kind that used to lift Volkswagens over a man's head in commercials. If it was tough enough to suspend automobiles in mid-air, surely it could keep my nails in place.

I twisted open a brand new tube of Coppertone QT (instant tan stuff) and covered my entire body. I knew that nothing attracts a man like warm, healthy, bright orange glow. I couldn't reach the backs of my shoulders, but I figured it would be dark in the club and men wouldn't be interested in the backs of my shoulders anyway.

I curled and teased my long, brown hair for at least two hours in order to achieve heights and widths that would leave any 1972 country music diva envious. Not yet satisfied with the large, winged helmet that was my coif, I bent over at the waist... as was customary in my daily hair-fixing ritual, and flipped my gigantic head of hair upside down so as to achieve maximum hair volume. I then aimed my industrial sized bottle of Final Net Ultra Hold hair spray and coated the under side of my hair.

When I could touch my hair without having my fingers get stuck in it, or when I was nearly ready to pass out, whichever came first, I stood straight again and started the Final Net process on the rest of my hair.

It was the epitome of big hair. And, under no circumstances or weather conditions was it ever, ever going to move. The only thing that could penetrate my giant mass of brown locks was water and I was praying to the rain gods that the skies remained clear. I knew if even the slightest amount of water touched my masterpiece, my head would turn into a giant mass of chewing gum.

Oh.. I almost forgot to mention the stunning white and gold head band I was wearing across my forehead. Olivia Newton-John had nothing on me. I was simply fabulous and totally ready to get physical.

I pulled on a lime green and orange striped shirt with spaghetti straps and a short lime green skirt that had little metal snaps on the pockets. I wanted to show a lot of skin in order to accentuate my brand new tan-from-a-bottle.

When we arrived at the club, I was reminding myself that above all else, I needed to look cool. I certainly looked like an attractive completely adult woman capable of bearing healthy children and cooking wonderful meals. Now I needed to act the part.
And how better to say to the world, "I am an adult" than to drink to excess and smoke cigarettes? That's what I needed to do. Smoke and drink. My stunning beauty would grab 'em, smoking and drinking would seal the deal.

I went to a cigarette machine (they still had such things in 1982) and picked the pack that I thought most reflected my femininity: Virginia Slims, of course. I found a table near the stage where a very loud band was playing and tried to act as if I sat in bars every night.

The waitress showed up and asked me what I wanted to drink. This was a toughie. I couldn't just order beer or wine... even though the law said that was all I could drink. Sophisticated women like me drank mixed drinks. The only mixed drink for which I could recall a name was 7 & 7 so that's what I ordered. I had no clue what it was, but it sounded like a womanly drink to me.

As I waited for my frou-frou drink to arrive, I noticed that the band featured a very, very hot drummer. He was beautiful. He had long, black hair, dark skin and coal black eyes. I loved him immediately and imagined how precious our dark haired children would be. I began trying to make eye contact.

I don't know if it was my high hair, my vampire nails or the striking contrast of my burnt orange skin against my lime green outfit, but he couldn't take his eyes off me. He'd smile and wink and I'd act as if I was way too cool to notice, even though my heart was about to beat out of my chest.

When the band took a break, he made his way to my table and ordered a shot of tequila with a beer back. What a grown-up, manly thing to order! I didn't know what a beer back was, but I found it terribly exciting that the father of my children did.

He told me I was beautiful and wanted to know if I'd like to go with him to another bar when he was through with this gig. How much did I love the fact that he used words like "gig"!!! It was going to be so much fun being married to a drummer.

His break was almost over, when I realized that I had one bit of ammunition I had not yet used. I hadn't smoked in front of him! Silly girl! He needed to see me smoke in order to get the full effect.

I should probably mention here that the only times I had smoked and actually inhaled prior to this moment, I had puked for hours. I figured that as long as I didn't inhale, I'd avoid the never attractive but totally inevitable vomiting. I was so smart. It's no wonder he wanted me.

Trying to open the pack with my nails was like handing it to Edward Scissorhands, but I managed to finally get it open and extract one long, thin cigarette. Now I just had to get it in my mouth and get it lit. I was home free.

I picked up the lighter and I noticed that the cigarette felt a little sticky in my hands. Apparently I had not completely gotten all the hair spray off my fingers.
I clicked the lighter once. Nothing. I clicked it again. Nothing.

When I clicked it the third time I heard a sound not unlike the sound you hear when you turn on a gas stove. WHOOSH!

Two of my beautiful, red nails were fully engulfed. I was literally on fire.
Had I been at home and had my fingers burst into flames, I might have considered stop, drop and roll. But, ever the cool-headed adult, I didn't want to scare off the love of my life by acting like this was a big deal.

I did what any logical person would do when a part of their body is on fire. I held my hand close to my face and gently blew. What I failed to take into consideration was the very same hair spray that was coating my artificial nails making them as flammable as a BBQ grill was all over my head. That dawned on me about the time my bangs started to smoke.

It was at that moment that cool went right out the window. (As if it hadn't left the building already.) I stuck my flaming hand in my 7 & 7 while frantically beating my forehead with the other one. The fire was finally extinguished.

So what does one do after having put out a blaze on one's person in a situation like this?

While I sat their smoldering and smelling of burnt hair and fake nails with my hand soaking in my drink glass, I said, "So, what time do you think you'll be done here?"

Friday, December 02, 2005

SAUNA LADIES

Three women - one German, one Japanese and a hillbilly were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound.

The German pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager," she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The hillbilly woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The hillbilly woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm gettin' a fax."