Tuesday, January 31, 2006

VOTES and TEDDYBEARS

Hey, hey, hey...it's Tuesday!

I've got chuckles and giggles for you, compliments of my newly PUBLISHED friend Denise Belinda McDonald. It's entitled "These people vote".

I can guarantee that in addition to making you laugh, it will make you think about the caliber of the people who vote!

And now....drum roll please...the joke for Tuesday!!!

Who said men don't have a sensitive side?

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them, and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were Small Bears all along the bottom shelf.

Medium-sized bears covered the length of the middle shelf.

And huge, enormous bears were along the top shelf.

She found it strange for a young bloke to have such a large a collection of Teddy bears, especially one that was so extensive. But she doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

All the while thinking to herself ...Oh bless! Maybe this guy, could he could
be the one?

Maybe he could father my children?...etc

She turns to him...they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and...you get the drift!

After an intense ight of having fun with this sensitive guy, as they are basking in the afterglow, the woman rolls over, strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

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The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"


And I saved this until last...That joke came from the estimable Ric Marion .

Yes folks...he has come over to the dark side of men bashing jokes...LOL...ROFLOL


Thought for the Day


Don't be so open-minded that your brain falls out.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Good Monday to ya'!!

For the first side splitting laugh of the day. Go over to my friend M.C.Pearson's Blog for an Anger Management lesson.

WARNING: PUT DOWN ALL SNORTABLE LIQUIDS BEFORE PROCEEDING!!! Don't say I didn't warn you. I'm not paying for new keyboards!

And if I see a rash of incidents on the Nightly News, I'll know right where they came from...snort, snort, chortle!!


My joke..snicker, snicker...of the Day!

Toilet Cleaning Instructions :


1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.







Thought of the Day:


I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

FEET, GIGGLES AND SNORTS!

The first part of my post comes from my friend Shelley. This is the biggest hoot, I've had in weeks:

How Smart Is Your Right Foot?

This is funny and it will boggle your mind, and you will keep trying at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't. Mind control does NOT work either!!

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so...and there's nothing you can do about it!!


Then, from my friend Bonnie 'Ballpoint Wren', here's some Facial Recognition Software that's really a hoot to play with. My female counterparts are Meg Ryan and Whoopie Goldberg. Male counterpart is Rick James ~sigh~ he's dead...I wonder if that means anything?

Now for the weekend joke...heh, heh, heh...I should have made it a man-getter joke so that Ric could snort all weekend!...auh, oops...yikes...I think I did!

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves..don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard?"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but me"

Thought for the Day: Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home!

Friday, January 27, 2006

My first reaction was a Miss Snark infamous saying...wt*...if you know her...you get the drift!

Man...sometimes I've got no clue what people are thinking...ROFLOL!!

Yes, a picture is worth a thousand words, but those words are lost in my head, rolling around in there, knocking on the backside of my eyeballs, trying to get out. Alas I must restrain myself because some impressionable grown men may get a taste of new words to add to their vocabularies!

Here's more words, that make for real Hallmark moments...We need to have e-blog cards to send!

Rejected Hallmark Cards

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:...
-- What was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day!...
-- Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful as you....
-- have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love...
-- After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...
-- I never believed in Hell until I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
-- that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me...
-- Like the need for therapy."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!...
-- I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Before you go...I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
-- You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married...
-- but not to you."

"You look great for your age...
-- Almost Lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me...
-- Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend...
-- So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time...
-- What do you say we call it quits?"

"I'm so miserable without you...
-- It's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
-- Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
-- I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

Thursday, January 26, 2006

15 THINGS WOMEN SHOULD KNOW

Helloooo, I'm over the fit and out of my snit(insert maniacal laughter here) so here's a little something for my friend Ric!

Hey Bernita, I couldn't help myself. It's their fault...is not...yes it is...uh, uh, don't blame it on me...~sigh~


1. Don't imagine you can change a man -- unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon -- they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander -- it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to makesome woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13.. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.




In Case You Can't Read The Caption:

The Only Consistent Feature In All Of Your
Dissatisfying Relationships Is You

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

I'VE BEEN TAGGED...GRR!

Well, well, well, my FRIEND Steve has lain himself on the pyre of flaming keyboards, as the sacrificial goat of taggers the world over, in being brave enough (that's not really the word I'd use, but I'm being nice...weird...huh?) to tag ME for five things that my friends might find weird!!!!

1.)That I absolutely, unequivocally HATE to be tagged, and with maniacal glee will eviscerate any soul who deems themselves brave enough to try.

2.)That I would like to hotwire the keyboards of taggers to deliver electrical shocks every time they even think about passing on the dirty deed to some unexpecting soul.

3.)That I hope the Bird of Paradise will crap on the birthday cakes of the aforementioned taggers, and that the fleas of a thousand camels will come to rest in their....uh nevermind...you get the drift!

4.)That I am appalled that anyone in the free world could have missed this post...
(see my post on 10/21/05)!

5.)That this rant makes me feel absolutely FABULOUS and right now I'm doing the "Happy PeePee Dance"....thank you Steve!

Will I pass on the pain?....Not on your life....I tap you all with my wand...click your heels together three times and say, "There's no place safer than home!"

Go and be happy my children!

Now for the Joke of the Day!

Things to do at Walmart while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet time:

The shout-out for this goes to Dee over at Fuzz Bunnies Nest.

I laughed so hard, I cried!!!!

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell them "Code 3 in Housewares" and see what they do.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are. (Our Walmart doesn't sell guns, but they got knives!)

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"

And, last, but not least!

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait awhile; and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

SAY AUHHHH!!!!! ABBOTT!!


These pictures came in an e-mail from my friend BJ Scroggins, wife of Joe's Jottings.

An Australian sheep farmer, after loosing sheep set up an electric fence. This is what he caught. In looking into the snakes of the country, it's a constrictor. You can tell by the three rows of teeth in the top jaw. It's a species of Python or Boa.

If I have any Australian friends out there who can identify it, give me a shout!

P.S. I think I know where one of the missing lambs is located! Yikes!


And the honor for this next one comes from my friend M.C. Pearson.

Abbott and Costello in "Buying a computer"

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too
old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those
of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

*COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT*

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".......

Monday, January 23, 2006

IMMORTALITY and HOSPITAL CHARTS

Good Monday to you all. Here in New York it has decided to snow...nusiance snow. Anything less than the six inches that I mandate as stay home snow...is nusiance snow!

I'm self-employ me, myself and I. So we argue continually about these stay-at-home decisions, but my logic (as warped as it is)usually prevails. LOL!

Two for the price of one today....Hospital humor all the way around!


A man recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said he was doing "fairly well" for his age.

A little concerned about that comment, the man couldn't resist asking him, "Do
you think I'll live to be 80?"

The doctor asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"

"Oh no," the man replied. "I've never done either."

Then the doctor asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

The man said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
ballooning, or rock climbing ?"

"No, I don't," the man said.

The doctor asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"

"No," the man said frowning. "I've never done any of those things."

The doctor looked at him and said, "Then why do you give a crap if you live to be
80?"

Yike! bad Bonnie...bad Bonnie!!!

And the next:

Actual writings on hospital charts:

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband
states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for
over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third
day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also
appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me
in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 years old male, mentally
alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another
hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably
insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past
three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for
lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of
her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car
for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus
sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he
took a job as a stock broker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt
we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other
abnormalities.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

PRO-LIFE OR PRO-DEATH


This adorable Baby Picture is from the Ann Geddes collection.

I once saw an interview with her on how she achieved each photograph. For this one she searched out a man with extrememly large hands, and then she found a really tiny baby!

Cool huh! Check out her pics! There's a lot of oohs and auhs!

Today, Sunday is the infamous anniversary of Roe vs. Wade. An interesting side note: The woman that the case revolved around is now a 'born again" Christian, and part of the Pro-Life movement.

Another note: Society has created a pleasing alternative called Pro-choice. There is no such thing. It is either Pro-Life or Pro-Death.

If God has a ironic sense of humor, we may, when we pass on, find out who these victims would have been. Wouldn't it be poetic justice to find out that the person who could have cured cancer, was an abortion!

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Good weekend! I've added a few things to the site! Like in the left sidebar, there's now a Bible study catagory. Mimi Pearson and Human Being have very interesting studies going on.

And on the right sidebar, under Author Qoutes, I've added one from JAKonrath.

While you're out and about this weekend, visit a store that has an elevator. Here's a list of fifty fun things to do in an elevator!

1. Make race car noises when people get on and off.

2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

3. Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!"

4. Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

5. Sell Girl Scout Cookies.

6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

7. Shave.

8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"

9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear your upside-down.

10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a Wet Willy?"

13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."

14. One word: Flatulence!

15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

16. Do Tai Chi exercises.

17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on."

18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"

19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.

20. Meow occasionally.

21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

22. Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"

23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

24. Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.

25. Holler, "Chutes away!!" whenever the elevator descends.

26. Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.

27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

28. Burp, then say, "Mmmmm.....tasty!"

29. Leave a box between the doors.

30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

31. Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.

32. Start a sing-along.

33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"

34. Play the accordion.

35. Shadow box.

36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.

37. Lean against the button panel.

38. Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons.

39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

41. Bring a chair along.

42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf??"

43. Blow spit bubbles.

44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

45. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."

46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."

50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH!"

And when you need someone to post your bail....DON'T CALL ME!

Friday, January 20, 2006

I was sent an e-mail by a friend today. It claimed that you could be in major trouble if you drive with your cruise control ON, when the road are wet.

So me, skeptic that I am, went to my favorite urban legend site to check it out!

It is true. Read about it HERE.

I never knew. Go read the story, this could be very important to your safety, if you regularly use cruise control. Apparantly, when the cruise is set to on, and the car starts to hydroplane, the control thinks the car is not going at speed and speeds up, propelling the car into the air at speeds 15 to 20 mph faster than the speedometer says its going!!!!!

This one is serious and not a joke!!


Okay...now for some jockularity, since our butt muscles are all in a bunch!


A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is
also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a
dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from
there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks
up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to
him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook
happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly
brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll
take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing
around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man
comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming
and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take
it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in
and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have
the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says,
"Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

I know....I'll do it myself....bad Bonnie, bad Bonnie!

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Well this truth is stranger than fiction story is about people getting Name Change. Believe me! They really, really need them.

Clue: for the first story, the man has three names. Say the first and second name together and drop the 'w' from the third name.....then blush!!!

The other stories are just as funny! Yikes...bad Bonnie, bad Bonnie...but it was funny...you're going to burn...no I won't...yes you will...both of you, shut up!

Now as if that's not enough, the Joke for the Day:


A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull dog.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, Then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Well thanks to my friend Jennifer there was another Parrot Caper out there to report...Who knew the bird was so versatile?

This parrot apparantly became enamoured with the name of the woman's new boyfriend. Sheesh...and the woman's husband had no sense of humor about it! Yikes!

And just because, when I'm absolutely positive that there is nothing left to shock me...along comes our government giving out a $500,000 grant which includes my hard earned tax dollars....for what you asked?

To teach Superman to leap tall buildings in a single bound? NO!

To give Skye King a place to land his plane when he comes out of the western sky? NO!

To even do something sensible like help hurricane survivors? NO!

Ready for this.....To help some guy make a dryer for Hog Poop. The machine should also make it fluffy dry and half the bulk! Now if you ask me...that's a lot of manure!

And now as if that wasn't enough....the joke for the Day!


Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney.

He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and make love with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

THE PARROT AND BALLS

See, see...I'm not as crazy as you think. Well....maybe...nah!

Remember this post Don't Talk To My Parrot. Yes, you all laughed, but you thought it was a joke! Ah, hah! Here, live and in bloody color Watch Parrot Attack. It cracked me right up! The guy was maimed and the parrot lost all but one of its large tail feathers!

I guess there'll be no shakin' his tail feathers for a while! Yikes!

And the Joke of the Day...


A Scottish man was at a baseball game.

It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the mound; he took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming, "Run, Run!"

This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the game.

The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called, "Walk!" And the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scotchman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye basstarrd, rrrun!"

Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotchman, extremely embarrased, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the Scotchman's embarassment, leaned over and said, "He can't run - he got four balls."

The Scotchman then stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man...walk with pride!"

I don't know what came over me, chalk it up to sinus medication! Yikes! But I love to use balls in the title. It gets me the strangest traffic from Google!

Monday, January 16, 2006

DRIVING NITWIT and MONEY FRICK

Good Monday to all. Happy Martin Luther King Day to those celebrating in the festivities, unfortunately I have to work!

I found a story HERE for you to check out. It gives a new meaning to the term 'sleep walking' or better yet..."This is your brain on drugs!"

People never cease to amaze me. I guess that's what keeps life interesting. There's some nitwit you can laugh at everyday!

And now for the Joke of the Day:


There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money.

He loved money more than just about anything.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me. "

He made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!"

She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."

Never Underestimate The Intelligence of a Woman

Sorry Ric, I couldn't resist. It was just too luscious!

Saturday, January 14, 2006

IMHO and A DEAD COW

In my humble opinion, the most asinine story that I've read today is HERE.

An engaged couple have put themselves and six other relative up for lease, on EBAY for $1.5 Million.

Their names are JoJo Gator and Jackie Kidney (she looks out at the audience wrlyly), no lie...that's really their names.

Go read the story!

And the Joke for Friday....drum roll please!


On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will make love with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, "If you will make love with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the mermaid. She looke at him inticingly and said, "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only make love with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request.

Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?"

And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough Okay, if you will make love with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."

The young son tipped his head to the side and asked: "Wait How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"


Everybody's a joke critic! LOL!

Friday, January 13, 2006

BLOGSHARES AND SENDING TELEGRAMS

Okay, thanks to my friend M.G. Tarquini, I am officially hooked on the stockmarket...the virtual stockmarket on Blogshares.com. It's a fantasy blog stock market.

On the right hand side of the screen there's a little space to put in your blog URL to see if your listed.

I was....what a hoot...people are trading virtual shares of my blog. You can claim your blog. They retain 1000 shares of stock for the real owner of the blog, and you get it when you sign up. You also get $500 of virtual money to start with. I've only been playing for 24 hours and I have over $5,000 all ready....too funny!

In the top upper left, there's a link for HELP. That will get you started....have fun!

And now for the Joke Of The Day!!!!


* A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed exams, which the father receives as "Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."

* A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a telegram to his wife "I wish you were here." The message received by wife, "I wish you were her."

* A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to railway station to return home to her husband. At the reservation counter, when her turn came, it was the last ticket. Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the queue, she offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which read as "Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush on the train, gave birth to an old lady."

* And the most famous of them all... A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake. Well he thinks for a while and says let's put, "You are not getting older, you are getting better".

The salesman asks "How do you want me to put it?"

The man says, well put ,"You are not getting older", at the top and, "You are getting better" at the bottom.

The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened as the entire party watched. The message decorated on the cake read, "You are not getting older at the top. You are getting better at the bottom."



In Case You Can't Read The Caption

Always Remember That You Are Unique

Just Like Everybody Else

Thursday, January 12, 2006

THE PHOTOGRAPHER

The Jones's were unable to conceive children, and elected to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot of. . . " gasped Mrs. Jones.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Jones said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Jones.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Jones leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your ...equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!"



In Case You Can't Read The Caption:

When People Are Free To Do As They Please

They Usually Imitate One Another

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

ONLY IN AMERICA - PART #2

Thanks to my friend Brenda Coulter for this link to M-Law. It is Michigan's Lawsuit Abuse Watch.

Brenda was kind enough to warn me, so I'll warn you...PUT DOWN THE CUP OF COFFEE AND STEP AWAY FROM THE YOUGART!!!

A label on a baby stroller warns: “Remove child before folding." Hey, folded babys always store easier!

A brass fishing lure with a three-pronged hook on the end warns: “Harmful if swallowed. Yea think!

A popular scooter for children warns: "This product moves when used." Well, shoot...does it go left or right?

A nine-by-three inch bag of air used as packing material cautions: "Do not use this product as a toy, pillow, or flotation device." Well' I was going out to sea on it!

A flushable toilet brush warns: "Do not use for personal hygiene." Yea, those things can really leave a brush burn!

The label on an electric hand blender promoted for use in "blending, whipping, chopping and dicing," warns: "Never remove food or other items from the blades while the product is operating." Can you say...Blood pudding!

A digital thermometer that can be used to take a person's temperature several different ways warns: "Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally." Ya, know...anybody that needs to be told that deserves a mouthful....bad Bonnie...never mind!

A household iron warns users: “Never iron clothes while they are being worn” As apposed to ironing your hair while it's on your head. Don't laugh that used to be popular!

A label on a hair dryer reads, “Never use hair dryer while sleeping” Why not, women are always accused of doing things while their asleep!

A warning on an electric drill made for carpenters cautions: “This product not intended for use as a dental drill.” That depends on whether you pay your dental bills on time!

The label on a bottle of drain cleaner warns: “If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions, cautions and warnings, do not use this product.” Does that also include the ten syllable chemical words?

A smoke detector warns: “Do not use the Silence Feature in emergency situations. It will not extinguish a fire.” An if it's noisey, it will? I get it...just Shout it out!

A massage chair warns: “DO NOT use massage chair without clothing... and, Never force any body part into the backrest area while the rollers are moving.” Please do not make me go there! My Pastor reads this sometimes!

A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns, “Do not drive with sunshield in place” Hey, ma look at me, pin the tail of the pedestrian!

An “Aim-n-Flame” fireplace lighter cautions, “Do not use near fire, flame or sparks” No, stick it in your mouth!

A label on a hand-held massager advises consumers not to use “while sleeping or unconscious” Huh, uh...not touching it!

A 12-inch rack for storing compact disks warns: “Do not use as a ladder.” A little Pixie ladder!

A cartridge for a laser printer warns, “Do not eat toner” No, save the toner for later, eat the cartridge, much more ruffage!

A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns: “Not intended for highway use” Just city streets!

A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users: “May irritate eyes” So wear safety glasses!

A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists says: “Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.” Ya, know, it's a wonder we haven't been invaded by the Huns!

A snowblower warns: “Do not use snowthrower on roof.” I actually know a Nitwit that did this, and wound up in his living room!

A dishwasher carries this warning: “Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher.” Yea, they need a lot of waterspot remover!

A popular manufactured fireplace log warns: “Caution - Risk of Fire” Ya, think?

A box of birthday cake candles says: “DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity.” Not, going to touch it...no I'm not!



In case you can't read the caption:

There Are No Stupid Questions

But There Are A Lot Of Inquisitive Idiots

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

FOOD FOR THOUGHT???

Just don't throw it in with these guys or you'll be asked to retrieve it!



How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

Do radio-active cats have 18 lives?

If a turtle loses its shell, is it naked or homeless?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read alright?

Is there another word for synonym?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, would it make a sound?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Do five out of four people have trouble with fractions?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with "Quit while you're ahead?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on postage stamps so the mailman could look for them while they deliver the mail?

If its true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

Monday, January 09, 2006

OOPS---IT WASN'T ME!!


Ha, ha, auh, oops...who says Christians don't have a sense of humor? Even when they're seriously not trying. Boy, I bet some of these caused a lot of red faces along with apologies!

Announcements Taken from Church Bulletins


1. Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help. Pastor likes funerals better than weddings, at least they STAY in the ground!

2. Thursday night - Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow. New meaning to: bring your own dish!

3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. Spellcheck doesn't always help!

4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. Too much medication

5. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Belzer. Yikes! I'm not going there! Spellcheck! Spellcheck!

6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. Auh, Oops!

7. Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. There will be a booby-trap...er, door prize!

8. Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor. Well, at least she's little and not queen-sized!

9. Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study. Yikes!

10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mr. Vassilas to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. That's gonna' hurt!

11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in. Can anyone say Depends!

12. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper. See #11

13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday. This is like shooting fish in a barrel!

14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. What a toot!

15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. Make a joyful noise!

16. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. I'm not touchin' it!

17. The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11. Yes, the merits of spellcheck!

18. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. Wahoo!

19. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. Yea, when those old people start falling apart it can get kinda' messy!

20. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes. I wonder if Mr. Johnson knows?

21. The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. No wonder the old people fell apart. they worked 'em to hard!

22. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child. Can you say episiotomy!

23. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. Can't they just sell cookies like the Girl scouts?

24. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. She looks out at the audience :-)

25. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours. And that's my last word!

Saturday, January 07, 2006

PAMPURRED - WOMEN ONLY

I was doing my daily check-in at my favorite Blogs, and I found something way cool that my writer friends will enjoy. Over at Books, Inq Frank Wilson found the neatest site called Etymologic ,the toughest word game on the web.

I got 9 out of 10, but some of them were a process of elimination! Have fun!

Now...uh, huh...now for Ric. He thinks that Bernita and I have decided that he is grumpy. Hmmm, sounds like a Shirley Temple song to me, with a little soft-shoe tapdance on the side.

Speaking of tapdancing...he's done a lot of that lately, so this newly acquired bit of jockularity is just for him, the male of the species. (insert maniacal laughter here!)

Oh, by the way, after your done here go see Bernita's coathanger collection. She is a very creative artist! What a hoot!


15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MOM, YOUR
DAUGHTERS OR GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC
.

1. Don't imagine you can change a man -- unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon -- they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander -- it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13.. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Send this to 10 Bright Women to make their day!

Friday, January 06, 2006

HELL HATH NO FURY!!!!

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit...

Repairmen refused to work in the house...

The maid quit...

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...

But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.

...including the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU???



In case you can't read the caption:

It Could Be That The Purpose Of Your Life
Is To Serve As a Warning To Others!

Thursday, January 05, 2006

ONLY IN AMERICA

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicapped parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping". [Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair]

2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. [Evidently, the shoplifter special]

3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." [And that would be how...?]

4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." [But it's *just* a suggestion]

5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down". [Oops, too late!]

6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating". [As sure as night follows the day]

7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body". [But wouldn't this save even more time?]

8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication". [We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.]

9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning!: May cause drowsiness" [One would hope]

10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only". [As opposed to what?]

11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." [I gotta admit, I'm curious]

12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts". [NEWS FLASH]

13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: open packet, eat nuts." [Step 3: Fly Delta]

14. On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly". [I don't blame the company. I do blame parents for this one!]



In case you can't read the caption:

Never Underestimate The Power
Of Stupid People In Large Groups!

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

A FISH NAMED.....DINNER!

Hello, hello, hello, my husband Bob wants equal time.

He doesn't play or watch any sports that involve balls! Snort!

He's a fisherman! He hooks squiggly worms onto hooks and sits there all day feeding the fish. In addition to having bass, bluegills and pumpkinseeds in our pond, there are also goldfish.

That's a whole 'nother story that suffices to say, I know why it is illegal to put goldfish into public waterways! Tell 'em...I don't want to...do it! OKAY!!!

We had the pond dug in the early summer of 1989. My husband said that we needed to wait a year to let the pond acclimate. I didn't want to, soooo.....

I went to the fish store and bought a bag of tinsey, winsey feeder fish (baby goldfish that they feed to bigger fish) I put them in the pond. I got 30 of them, they were small. The little buggers, ingrates that they were, swam off and I never saw them the rest of the summer (insert music from Jaws).

Winter came, the pond froze over. In the spring, one day after the pond had thawed, my husband came in the house. "Uh, Bonnie, you'd better come out here!"

I replied nonchalantly, "Where."

He looked at me blankly, "The pond."

I was busy...doing nothing, "Why?"

He grinned, "I can't explain this, you have to see it."

So I reluctantly stopped doing nothing and walked outside with him.

As I approached the pond, my brain couldn't quite comprehend what I was seeing, until we got down to the water's edge.

More than half of the pond was gold! There must have been five thousand goldfish!

"Oh, my God, I've created an ecological disaster!" I gasped.

My husband laughted. "I guess we can stock the pond now!"

The fish he is holding below is the result of good goldfish eating by the bass!



Billy and Jethro decide to go ice fishing. After arriving at the lake early in the morning, they cut two holes in the lake and drop in their lines in the water.

After fishing for a few hours, Billy has caught dozens of fish while Jethro hasn't even gotten a bite.

Jethro asks, "Billy, what's your secret?"

Billy answers, "Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm."

Jethro asks, "What did you say?"

Billy answers, "Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm."

Jethro again asks, "What?"

Billy spits into his hand and says, "You gotta keep the worms warm!"

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

I'm going to highlight another male perspective. My Pixie friend Mimi, has a most excellent husband, Dave.

Now, I must admit, I worry about her slicing him up! Well go look for yourself...egads...he's a cucumber...and with spiked hair of all things!

He writes about the most hysterical experience in France...Yanno(TM-Miss Snark)whenever someone French says oui, oui (wee-wee) I always think of toilet seats, right Joe! Bad Bonnie, bad Bonnie....shhh, don't tell....I already did!

Anyhow go visit Dave, the adventure is priceless! And enjoy the humor!


After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences.

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.

3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.

Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller the balls are.


In case you can't read the caption:

No one can make you feel
inferior without your consent.

But you'd be a fool
to withhold that from your superiors.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Hey, Hey, Hey, It's Monday

Well...Happy New Year all!

I hope it was safe and uneventful for all!

Okay, my friend Ric is always saying that I favor the opinion of the female of the species...well, duh..alrighty then....uh, oh...how did you get out...leave me alone...it's my turn!

So, folks, here are the Guys' Rules by men...for us women!

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys' side of the story.

We always hear "the rules"

From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered "1"

ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can, to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can, to give them a bigger laugh

Thanks to my Pixie friend M.C. for the laughter...and believe me the women are in hysterics right now. I know, men everywhere are going, "What??"

Bad Bonnie, bad Bonnie....Ric, it's her, not me (pointing to the left)!


In case you can't read the caption it says:
"It takes 43 three to frown and 17 to smile.
But it doesn't take any to just sit there
with a dumb look on your face.