Friday, March 31, 2006
Thank the dear Lord, I made it to TGIF!
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet" said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little perturbed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
“Well," his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.
I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.
I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
Whadda' ya' want....it's Friday AM and I'm half asleep....snort...snort..chortlE!
Thursday, March 30, 2006
This second little ditty is also compliments of my blogging buddy Ric.
I haven't thought about "fender skirts" in years. When I was a kid, I considered it such a funny term. Made me think of a car in a dress.
Thinking about "fender skirts" started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice.
Like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs." Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. Any kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.
Remember "Continental kits"? They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.
When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency brake."
I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the "foot feed".
Did you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you could ride the "running board" up to the house?
Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - "store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.
"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "worldwide" for granted. This floors me.
On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our homes. In the 50's, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow...wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.
When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "in a family way?" It's hard to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company. So we had all that talk about stork visits and "being in a family way" or simply "expecting."
Apparently "brassiere" is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up. I guess it's just "bra" now. "Unmentionables" probably wouldn't be understood at all.
It's hard to recall that this word was once said in a whisper "divorce." And, no one is called a "divorcee" anymore. Certainly not a "gay divorcee." Come to think of it, "confirmed bachelors" and "career girls" are long gone, too.
I always loved going to the "picture show," but I considered "movie" an affectation.
Most of these words go back to the 50's, but here's a pure 60's word I came across the other day..."rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!
Here's a word I miss..."percolator." That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? "Coffeemaker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.
I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and "ElectraLuxe." Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"
Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening their! kids with castor oil anymore.
Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most - "supper." Now everybody says "dinner." Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Great Hump Day! Nope....I'm not gonna' go there! *insert maniacal laughter here* Enjoy this funny from my home town buddy Debra Brand.
Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.
The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted.
His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.
About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.
That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.
Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around.
She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake.
She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred.
They were about to arrest them all, when the two women explained how it all happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa.
The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.
Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.
Neighbors called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck started raising the ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and cutting electricity and disconnected telephones in a ten-square city block area.
Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.
About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.
The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
She shot him!
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
This is not a real letter, although it is a good commentary on the perception of what is a hardship! Give yourself a backwoods drawl while you'r reading it...to add to the ambience! LOL!
Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, and stuff, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.
The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in little metal boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Monday, March 27, 2006
Good Monday morning...another week, another chance for Blogger to screw up...such is our lot in life! This little ditty is compliments of my blogging buddy Ric.
Before I left for Europe I spent several hours observing teenagers hanging out at our local mall. I came to the conclusion that many teenagers in America today are living in poverty.
Most young men, I observed, didn't even own a belt; there was not one among the whole group. But that wasn't the sad part. Many were wearing their daddy's jeans.
Some jeans were so big and baggy they hung low on their hips, exposing their underwear. I know some must have been ashamed their daddy was short, because his jeans hardly went below their knees.
They weren't even their daddies' good jeans, for most had holes ripped in the knees and a dirty look to them.
It grieved me, in a modern, affluent society like America, there are people who can't afford a decent pair of jeans. I was thinking about asking my Church to start a jeans drive for "poor kids at the mall."
Then on Christmas Eve, I could go Christmas caroling and distribute jeans to
these poor teenagers.
But here is the saddest part..... it was the girls they were hanging out with that disturbed me most. I've never, in all of my life, seen such poverty-stricken girls.
These girls had the opposite problem of the guys. They all had to wear their little sisters clothes. Their jeans were about 5 sizes too small! I don't know how they could put them on, let alone button them up. Their jeans barely went over their hipbones.
Most also had on their little sister's top; it hardly covered their midsections.
Oh, they were trying to hold their heads up with pride, but it was a sad sight to see these almost grown women wearing children's clothes.
However,it was their underwear that bothered me most. They, like the boys, because of the improper fitting of their clothes, had their underwear exposed. I never saw anything like it. It looked like their underwear was only held together by a single piece of string.
I know it saddens your heart to receive this report on condition of our American teenagers. While I go to bed every night with a closet full of clothes nearby, there are millions of "mall girls" who barely have enough material to keep it together.
I think their "poorness" is why these 2 groups gather at the mall, boys with their short daddies' ripped jeans, and girls wearing their younger sisters' clothes. The mall is one place where they can find acceptence.
So, next time you are at the mall,doing your shopping, and you pass by some of these poor teenagers, would you say a prayer for them? And one more thing...
Will you pray the guys' pants won't fall down, and girls' strings won't break?
I thank you all,
A Concerned Grandmother
Saturday, March 25, 2006
I got this weekend special from my friend Ric, who also has a very profound look on life today. "Life is good. Life matters. Beats the alternative."
I may have used this one last fall, but it bears repeating!
Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts.
The funny thing is that it works!
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are
8. See?.....You're smiling already.
Friday, March 24, 2006
A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and decided that he'd settle for the offer, and so they agreed on it.
After about six weeks they went into the study, where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."
To this his father replied, "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
Thursday, March 23, 2006
I got this one, compliments of my former Blogging friend (She's still a friend, but alas, she no longer blogs!) BJ Scroggins! Joe you missed out on this one! LOL!
Pay special attention to the words and spelling! If you know the Bible...even a little, you'll find this hilarious!
It comes from a Catholic elementary school test. Kids were asked questions about the Old And New Testament. The following statements about the Bible were written by children.
They have been neither retouched nor corrected...incorrect spelling has been left in.
1. In the first book of the Bible, GUINESSIS. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
7. Moses led the Jews to the Res Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
9. The first Commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is Thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrew in the Battle of Geritol.
12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew King who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. ST. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 Decibels.
22. The Epistles were the wives of the Apostles.
23. One of the Oppossums was ST. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. ST. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached Holy Acrimony which is another name for marriage.
25. Christians have only one spouse. this is called monotony.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
These wonderful...men jokes were sent to me by one of the brilliantly talented Bunions, Dana Y.T.Lin....sorry Ric...I didn't do it, but I will admit to snorting coffee as I read them!
Men... One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to Me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma." And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you..."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack said as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor!
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the World with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 Years younger... Whoosh...Immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
A PRAYER.... Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: What is the difference between men and Women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
These are actually things which people actually said in court, word for word.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: December 30th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
Q: How many were boys?
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
Q: Did you check for breathing?
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Monday, March 20, 2006
Good Monday morning...I hope everyone survived the weekend. I know mine went way to fast. The story for today I procurred from my friend Kat. It didn't happen to her either, but I know every woman out there can identify with it!
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to every woman who has ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (THE DEAR) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school tennis team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My husband (THE SWEET DEAR) seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started.
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me.
He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile....... Woo Hoo, let's get going!!
Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to him in his awesome Lycra aerobic shorts.
I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the entire time that he was around.
WOW! This is going to be a fantastic week!!
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then he put weights on it. My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile and Bruce's beautiful rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It's s a whole new life for me.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over the damn brush.
I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Bruce was becoming impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered all of the other club members.
His voice then became a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY, VERY, annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster.
Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He mumbled some other stuff too.......but who listened.
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.
I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my F---ING shoes.
Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking,
I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as my punishment, he put me on the rowing machine which I sank.
I hate that Bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of this world.
Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader fruit. If there was a part of my body that I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat the crap out of him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps.
I don't have any triceps!!
And if he didn't want dents in the floor, he shouldn't have handed me the *&%#(#&**!!@* barbells or anything else that weighed more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly, girly voice wondering why I did not show up today.
Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner.
However, I lacked the strength to even pick up the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.
I will also pray that next year my husband (THE BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that is fun -like a root canal or perhaps a hysterectomy.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
My blogging friend Nessili sent me this one...I thought is was so cute...it just screamed Friday night!
The Technological Generation...
A little boy comes up to his father and asks, "Daddy, how was I born?"
His dad sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"
"Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe."
The boy stared at his father looking bored.
Dad continuted, "We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button."
The boy sat quietly as his father blushed. "Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS.
the father smiled, "Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: **You've Got Male'!**"
I know, I know...so shoot me...snicker...I liked it!
Friday, March 17, 2006
Mahawwww...I made it! It's Friday! I thought this day would never come!!! Happy St. Patrick's Day to all who celebrate!
This will give you something to harass those pesky telemarketers with this weekend!
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
LOL...have a great weekend, if I don't see you till Monday!
Thursday, March 16, 2006
We started to "bud" at 9 or 10 years old, so came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our monthly, in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). We bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage, after having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils, was Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John.
Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.
Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.
Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the ***** (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
Then come their teen years.
Need I say more?
When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.
So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby.
Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Go suck on a sock!
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
I just made Ric way too happy yesterday! Let's see what he thinks of this one! By the way...today is his Birthday...Stop by his blog and say Happy, Happy to him!
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be eight again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite lolly and M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you twit!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening he's going to get it wrong.
Ooh, ooh...I'm sorry Ric...snort...I really am...snort...not! :-)
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
A Wal-Mart store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas, TX, where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men.
Among the instructions at the entrance, is a description of how the store operates.
There are only 6 floors. It states that the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch....
As you open the door to any floor you may choose any man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So, a woman goes to the Wal-Mart Husband Store to find a husband.....
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
She continues on. The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
She continues on. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the Sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping Wal-Mart.
Monday, March 13, 2006
Wahoo! Monday again! Well, I'm hearing a ringing in my ear...and it's not the phone! That was out of service for most of Sunday afternoon. Funny, it didn't bother me that no one could call me...it just bugged the poop out of me that I couldn't get on line.
Oh, the ringing is the chimes from our Grandfather clock. The Clock Doctor came and set up our Howard Miller on Saturday morning. Love those Westminster chimes!
I filched this joke from my friend Debbie Brand. It was so cute I couldn't pass it up!
Once upon a time, these two women were talking and the one asks the other how many times she's been married, and the reply was 4.
"Four times!" exclaimed the first woman, "Why so many?"
So the other woman says, "Well, I first got married when I was very young, and I married this wonderful man who was a banker. However, one day just a few weeks after we were married, his bank was robbed and he was shot and killed."
"Oh my gosh, that's terrible," said the first woman.
"Well, it wasn't that tragic. Soon after that, I started seeing another man who performed in the circus. He was really a great guy, but he lived pretty dangerously because he performed his high-wire act without a net. Well, a few weeks after we got married, he was performing a show and suddenly a gust of wind came by and knocked him off his wire and he was killed."
"Your second husband was killed too?!!? That's horrible!"
"Yes, it was terrible, but at the funeral I fell in love with the minister and we got married soon after that. Unfortunately, one Sunday while he was walking to church, he was hit by a car and killed."
"Three??? Three husbands of yours were killed? How could you live through all that?"
"It was pretty tough, but then I met my present husband. And he's a wonderful man. I think we'll live a long happy life together."
"And what does your present husband do for a living?"
"He's a mortician."
"A mortician? I don't understand something here. First you marry a banker, then a circus performer, then a minister, and now a mortician? Why such a diverse grouping of husbands?"
"Well, if you think about it it's not too hard to understand...
One for the money...
Two for the show...
Three to get ready...
And four to go!"
Sorry Ric, this wasn't mine...LOL!
Saturday, March 11, 2006
I am only as strong as the coffee I drink, the hairspray I use and the friends I have.
To the cool women that have touched my life. Here's to you...
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3 Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.
Friday, March 10, 2006
Okay..it's TGIF!! Yahoo!
I hope you will take these 22 things to heart this weekend as your out causing revelery! Mind you...I don't supply bail money...You do the crime, you do the time!
This is a list of 22 things to NOTsay to the policeman who stops you!
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you that guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me...Good job!
5. Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on COPS?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.
7. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
8. Bad cop! No donut!
9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
10. Gee, Officer...that's terrific...the last officer only gave me a warning too!
11. Excuse me...is stick up hyphenated?
12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
13. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's?
14. I pay your salary!
15. So, uh, you on the take, or what?
16. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
17. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
18. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around-that's how far ahead of me they are.
19. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
20. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
21. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 Magnum.
22. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Wahoo...hump day went by so fast that I didn't even notice it! My life is passing before me in a blurr of fractured days and misshapen nights! I don't ever have enough time!
Not enough time to write, not enough time to read, not enough time to blog, not enough time to visit...I remember a Bible story (Joshua 10:12-13) where God made the sun and moon stand still for an entire day. What would you do if you had an entire extra day?
Sometimes I act like I've been dropped on my head...actually I was reading Forgiving Solomon Long by Chris Well, on the treadmill....got to a good part...forgot to walk....it wasn't a pretty picture. So let's just mull over the facts of life...
On the first day God created the cow...
God said, "You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer...for that I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life, you want me to live for sixty years...let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."
On the second day, God created the dog...
God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past...I'll give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking... give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."
So God agreed.
On the third day God created the monkey... God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh... I'll give you a twenty year life span."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so...dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too."
And God agreed again.
Now on the fourth day, God created man...God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy...do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy... I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What...only twenty years? No way man, tell you what, I'll take my twenty...the forty cow gave back...the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back... that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal!"
So this is why...for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing...
The next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family...
The next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren...
The last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody...
Life has now been explained!
Thought For The Day
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Well the Blogsphere is getting back to normal. Miss Snark had her comments turned back on and all's right in the world. To the anonymous person giving her a hard time....shame on you!
Hey...my daughter has had another episode with her dog, Simon. Ballpoint Wren asked yesterday what kind of dog she has....well Heather says, "He is a rottie-beagle mix. Big beagle body (with the beagle bark) with rottie coloring." (And he jumps about five feet into the air, like his butt is spring-loaded)
If you just joined the saga today, see yesterday's post to get up to speed.
Here's Heather's email for today:
"Can't stop telling you my dog-from-hell stories. I came home last night and it smelled VERY sweet. He had found an unopened bottle of strawberry dacquiri mix and chewed the top off. It was all over the place. I especially enjoyed the pink pawprints by the front door. Pretty sure he did a little dance in order to spread it around. So, he uses the freezer, bakes, and likes to kick back with a drink every now and then. If he wasn't sooooo cute--he'd be gone! Meanwhile Sly's a good boy (her other dog). Except when he tries to attack the cat.
How's your week going? Any frozen wings I can send my dog over for?"
And the Joke for the day....I just couldn't pass this one up!
A rugged cowboy from Broke Back Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."
The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."
The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No," said the doctor, "...but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your BUTT is for."
I'm sorry...snort...I'm sorry...snort...no I'm not....ROFLOL!
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Just when I think my life is about as strange as it can manifest, I get an email from my daughter today about her dog, Simon. Since I couldn't add to the retelling, I just pasted the contents. BTW, Bryan is her husband.
"Did I tell you that Simon can get on top of our fridge? We came home one night and he had eaten the cat food up there. Couple days later we found two empty bags that used to contain frozen veggies. Apparently he learned how to open the freezer. Bry came home several days later and the freezer was still open and the dogs had just finished sharing frozen wings. Soooo.....he's a crap head (the dog). Anyway, love ya, talk to you later."
"p.s. Almost forgot---the oven door was open on Friday. He bakes now :)"
This is a collection of sage advice from women in the know!
Inside every older lady is a younger lady -- wondering what the hell happened.
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies.
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
Old age ain't no place for sissies.
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
The phrase "working mother" is redundant!
Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once.
If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde.
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
Monday, March 06, 2006
Hey...a new week! We get to start all over again. Don't you all look bright and cheerful this morning!!! Actually, I can't see you and right now you're probably throwing coffee at me, but...let's see if I can get you to spew it on the monitor!!
I borrowed this from my friend Sandra. She has an e-zine called Spinetingler It's a very impressive online magazine, go read! Several of my blogging buddies have short stories in this issue: M.G.Tarquini, Dana Y.T.Lin, and E. Ann Bardawill. They all did a primo job!
Okay...put down the cups...I mean it! This did not happen to me!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at; "The lizard!"
"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, ( in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay. " Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed.
2 - lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wacker..... Priceless
They lay eggs!!!
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Hey, folks...Saturday and nothing else to do? Go to the local bookstore and get my blogging buddy Brenda Coulter's new book, A Family Forever. It's a great cozy read and you can do it in a weekend. Get some tissue handy!
Update:....Buy several copies and get a jump on your Christmas shopping!
Friday, March 03, 2006
Wheeee! I got a snowday for Thursday....but alas today is Friday. Hey, TGIF! Tomorrow I get to sleep in. Gosh, I've got a tough life! ROFLOL!
Let's see what little tidbit is hiding in the Joke Vault!
The head of a small industrial company posted DO IT NOW signs all around his office and plant in hopes of getting better results from his workers.
Some weeks later, when asked why he was removing the slogans, he said, "It worked too well: the bookkeeper skipped with $20,000; the chief clerk eloped with the best secretary I've ever had; three salesmen asked for raises; and the workers in the factory joined the union and are out on strike."
Bumper Stickers You Would Like To See:
Impotence..Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"
Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.
Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.
Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people "Everybody But Me."
Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.
Hang up and drive!!
And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!!
Welcome to America...now speak English
And finally....for my lady friends...sorry Ric...you don't count unless you do the housework!
HOW TO START YOUR DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"
6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....
7. Feel better?
OH Yeah I feel much better!
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Captain Kangaroo passed away on January 23, 2004 as age 76 , which is odd, because he always looked to be 76. (DOB: 6/27/27.) His death reminded me of the following story.
Some people have been a bit offended that the actor, Lee Marvin, is buried in a grave alongside 3 and 4 star generals at Arlington National Cemetery. His marker gives his name, rank (PVT) and service (USMC).
Nothing else. Here's a guy who was only a famous movie star who served his time, why the heck does he rate burial with these guys? Well, following is the amazing answer
I always liked Lee Marvin, but didn't know the extent of his Corps experiences.
In a time when many Hollywood stars served their country in the armed forces often in rear echelon posts where they were carefully protected, only to be trotted out to perform for the cameras in war bond promotions,
Lee Marvin was a genuine hero. He won the Navy Cross at Iwo Jima. There is only one higher Naval award . . . the Medal Of Honor.
If that is a surprising comment on the true character of the man, he credits his sergeant with an even greater show of bravery.
Dialogue from "The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson": His guest was Lee Marvin. Johnny said, "Lee, I'll bet a lot of people are unaware that you were a Marine in the initial landing at Iwo Jima . . . and that during the course of that action you earned the Navy Cross and were severely wounded."
"Yeah, yeah . . . I got shot square in the bottom," said Lee. "And they gave me the Cross for securing a hot spot about halfway up Suribachi. Bad thing about getting shot up on a mountain is guys getting shot hauling you down. But, Johnny, at Iwo I served under the bravest man I ever knew...We both got the cross the same day, but what he did for his Cross made mine look cheap in comparison. That dumb guy actually stood up on Red beach and directed his troops to move forward and get the hell off the beach. Bullets flying by, with mortar rounds landing everywhere and he stood there as the main target of gunfire so that he could get his men to safety. He did this on more than one occasion because his men's safety was more important than his own life."
"That Sergeant and I have been lifelong friends. When they brought me off Suribachi we passed the Sergeant and he lit a smoke and passed it to me, lying on my belly on the litter and said, "Where'd they get you Lee?"
"Johnny, I'm not lying, Sergeant Keeshan was the bravest man I ever knew."
The Sergeant's name is Bob Keeshan. You and the world know him as Captain Kangaroo."
On another note, there was this wimpy little man (who just passed away) on PBS, gentle and quiet. Mr. Rogers is another of those you would least suspect of being anything but what he now portrays to our youth. But Mr. Rogers was a U.S. Navy Seal, combat-proven in Vietnam with over twenty-five confirmed kills to his name. He wore a long-sleeved sweater on TV, to cover the many tattoos on his forearm and biceps. He was a master in small arms and hand-to-hand combat, able to disarm or kill in a heartbeat.
After the war Mr. Rogers became an ordained Presbyterian minister and therefore a pacifist. Vowing to never harm another human and also dedicating the rest of his life to trying to help lead children on the right path in life. He hid away the tattoos and his past life and won our hearts with his quiet wit and charm.
America's real heroes don't flaunt what they did; they quietly go about their day-to-day lives, doing what they do best. They earned our respect and the freedoms that we all enjoy.
Look around and see if you can find one of those heroes in your midst.
Often, they are the ones you'd least suspect, but would most like to have on your side if anything ever happened.
Take the time to thank anyone that has fought for our freedom. With encouragement they could be the next Captain Kangaroo or Mr.Rogers
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Today our Christian Fiction Blog Alliance is proud to review A Family Forever. This is the latest book by my blogging friend Brenda Coulter. She also had a Website for her writing.
I loved the book. It's a Heartwarming Inspiration Romance from the Love Inspired line over at Steeple Hill. Now before you go panting and rubbing your hands together at the prospect of reading a romance. I must tell you that this is Christian romance.
What does that mean, you might ask? Well for my buddies out there, who know who they are and shall remain nameless, it means no sex! That kind of thing happend behind closed doors, but you will get to see and feel the emotional impact of the relationship. Which to me takes a much better writer to convey the depth of feelings without resorting to wanton actions.
Now for the story. This is the story of Shelby and Tucker. Shelby was going to marry Tucker's adopted brother, David, but he got killed in a motorcycle accident. To compound matters, Shelby is pregnant...let's not talk about putting the horse before the cart! With her mounting problems like getting evicted from her apartment and having a mom who is a real piece of work, Shelby is an emotional wreck.
In comes our knight...Tucker, a God-fearing, handsome man...who works. He promised Dave on his deathbed that he'd take care of Shelby. His guilt gets the better of him when he finds out that she's being evicted. First he offers to take her in, then he offers marriage...to make her respectable.
Shelby feels all kinds of guilt for taking advantage of Tucker, but at this stage of the game she doesn't have many options. The rest of the story is both of them working on their budding romance and the issues each of them feel. Ladies, you'll love Tucker...he has some sweet and sensitive lines that just make you go...auhhhh! Now if there were just more men like him in real life...Well, we can read and dream!