Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Hump Day and Housekeeping

I don't know where the week went, but it's Hump Day already!

Hey go check out my friend Frank Wilson! His blog is called Books, Inq. That's quite appropriate since he's the Book Review Editor at the Philadelphia Inquirer! Frank's also listed on my blogroll to the left! Lots of good reading over there!

Here's a really cool limerick that I pulled off a new blog that I found (through Frank's blog) called First Things.

The Devil, who plays a large part,
Has tricked his way into your heart
By simple insistence
On his non-existence,
Which really is devilish smart.

Well I spent Memorial Day helping my girlfriend clean her fishpond. I hurt in places I don't remember having! We moved 1400 gallons of water! Here's a sample of the fun. Take note, Bonnie and I...yes her name is Bonnie also...I'm not in identity crisis mode...are in the pond working. While her husband...my Pastor takes the pictures!



And not that we're not joke enough....here's one from my friend Sandra over at Spinetingler Magazine. Go check out her mag...the stories are awesome and a few of my blogging buddies write for it!

Rules of Housekeeping

1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.

2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.

3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.

4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your spouse points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"

5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.

6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play animals for underprivileged children.

7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."

9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident...I haven't had the heart to clean it..."

10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

The Hidden by Kathryn Mackel


Good Tuesday! For the first three days of the week, we, as the Christian Fiction Blog Alliance are reviewing The Hidden by Kathryn Mackel.


A dark ravine. A fiery death. An unimaginable secret.

Some things are best left hidden.

While grieving her son's death, psychiatrist Susan Stone returns home to Colorado to help her elderly father manage his horse-breeding business after he is incapacitated in an accident.

But the delivery of a prized foal goes terribly wrong. Susan rides wildly into the mountains, seeking release from consuming guilt. Thrown from her horse, she tumbles into a dark ravine and makes a startling discovery--a young man, chained in the darkness.

At the same time a series of grizzly, unthinkable murders are rattling the calm of the local townfolk.

This novel will forever alter your perception of the darkness of evil and the light of forgiveness and hope.

The best thing that I can say about it, is that I couldn't put it down...and I couldn't read it while on my treadmill. Many of you know the experiences I've had when I get involved in a book read! Flying off the back and all! LOL!

I was a little apprehensive about the horse on the cover. I'm not a My Friend Flicka or Fury reader....But not to worry, horses are not a major plot point, just a vehicle to get you to the plot...Oh, ha...I crack myself up...a vehicle!!!

Oh, nevermind! The book is a fabulous read. It's a fast read....incredibly fast! I actually reread it to figure out how she made it made it move like that. You'll be mesmerized! And me...Mrs. Hard as Nails was blubbering like a baby at the ending! Try it. you won't be let down!

This woman's talents know no bounds. Not only is Kathryn Mackel is a best-selling author, but she is also an acclaimed screenwriter for Disney and Fox! She was part of the screenwriting team for Left Behind: The Movie, and Frank Peretti's Hangman's Curse.

Her other books also include The Surrogate, The Departed and Outriders.

Outriders is a fantasy thriller about a new Ark, hidden below the polar ice. An ancient enemy. Young warriors fighting the darkness and gigantic mutants! I tell you that because Kathryn is presently working on a sequel to Outriders called Trackers!

There is another book in the works titled Vanished, but at this time it to too high-concept to let the cat out of the bag. We will be waiting Kathryn! Write fast!

Ways to buy The Hidden:

Amazon.com

Christian Book.com

Nelson MinistryServices.com

Monday, May 29, 2006

Memorial Day

I hope you all had a wonderful and reflective Memorial Day. Let's all not forget the men and women from all branched of the service who gave their lives so that we could be free! Say a prayer for their families!

Remember: FREEDOM IS NOT FREE

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Good weekend. Long weekend. Holiday weekend. I hope everyone has a safe and happy Memorial Day! Summer is finally here. I'm going to spend most of Monday helping my best, here in New York friend, clean out her pond. I'll supply pictures!

These are the lilac bushes at the end of my driveway, in full bloom. I figured I'd better get these up because the Rhododendrons are about to open!



And these three little fellows are the latest robin babies born on my house. I say ON the house because the house is log and on the outside, the logs cross at the corners. Well mama robin has had a nest on the top crosslog of the front porch for the last five years. LOL...all it takes is a little scrubbing to get rid of the poop after the babies fly the coop, which will be any day now. There's not even room for mama in the nest!



These great funny quotes came to me by way of my published author friend Dennie Belinda McDonald's" Yankee Aunt.....

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow..that was fun!"

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"

And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Baesball, Bauer...and Buddies

Well TGIF...it's another great day at the funny farm!

Here's an article I pulled off the news! We complain about our government making too many laws, but in This Case the government has to protect poor grieving families who are only trying to bury their dead in private. Some idiots have found it necessary to protest at funerals...that's right folks...no wonder the secular world thinks we Christians are nut cases!

And speaking of nut cases, Barbara Bauer loses! Absolute Write.com is back on the air. They are in the process of retrieving all of their forums, but most of their links are working...go Jenna!

LOL, Miss Snark lobed a great big fat bomb at the resident scammer and hit her broadside...Atta girl, Miss Snark!

Here's a funny to start the weekend! Thanks to Ric's cousin Charley!!

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?

Again the little boy nodded.

The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb butthole' is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."

"I swear....all I had was Vanilla Coke!"

Thursday, May 25, 2006


Well...all is not happy in Blogland, and I'm ready to spit nails...big 'o honkin' cement nails!

Seems Barbara Bauer, the famed scam artist who calls herself a literary agent has suceeded in getting Jenna Glazer's Absolute Write website kicked off the air! Not to worry though...Jenna is looking for a new host as I write!

Bauer called Absolute Writes webhost and sounded threatening enough that the poor girl who owns the site pulled the plug on one of the best writer sites on the internet. You can read more about it over at Miss Snark's Blog. She's also got links for other pertinent reading.

Now for something lighter!

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:


1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.


ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf

And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.


"I fell asleep, and now I feel like an episode of Gulliver's travels!

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Count to ....Needing ClingFree

A teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots. He'd asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, by the time the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so!" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

Just as the boots came off, he added, "They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet yet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

Her trial starts next month....


Does anybody know how to get rid of static cling?

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men...


And last but not least...

"Dear Lord," the preacher began, with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "...without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point!


"I'm too tired to care!"

Monday, May 22, 2006

Heaven...and A Cat Smile

Good Monday morning...hope you all had a pleasant weekend! The big story this weekend was the DaVinci Code. I read the book...that's right...I read the book, back in 2003, when it came out. When it was still just a novel...which is a MADE UP story.

It was an okay book. I've since read better. And it did not shake my faith in Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, because it's a work of FICTION. Not to be confused with James Frey, who writes about real stuff that turns out to be fiction!

I'm going to do an indepth post about it sooner or later but in the mean time Modern Day Magi has an excellent post about the true/false facts! Or try Michael Coren's excellent column at the Toronto Sun!

Spend the time. The two posts are worth the reading, if you want to know what your talking about!

Another one from my buddy Ric's bother Tim!

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the water bowl and t ook a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," he answered.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope That's hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."



"That's me. Hey! Just 'cause my tail doesn't wag doesn't mean I don't get to be a best friend too!!"

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Have a great weekend...Kids say the darnest things!

A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following:

We always spend our vacation with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big, brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.

They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.

They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

At their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape.

Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.

Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out, so the ones who get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.

My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded one day, too.

When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.


"No one will ever notice if I use this to get that cat chow outta' my teeth!"

Friday, May 19, 2006

We made it to another Friday. It seems like it was just yesterday...LOL! Just my age showing!

I grabbed this funny piece from my friend Sandra! Remember while your out tonight, you could hear this from an officer of the law, if you choose to wind up on the wrong side!

Who Says Cops Don't Have A Sense Of Humor?...

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

“Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift super visor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

"I shoulda' been a police dog!"

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Heaven Knows and Trapped

"I'd like to thank the Academy, and God and all the little people who helped me..." Oh...LOL...guess what?

In my real daytime life...as opposed to the writer aspirations that grip my brain...I am a seamstress and clothes designer, especially costumes. This year I won an award for the costumes I designed for one of our local dance studios!

Who knew! They were really wild and colorful...like going back to my purple haze days of the '60's...LOL...As soon as the group pictures come in, I'll post them.






And as for the joke...again thank heavens for Ric's cousin Charley!

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table.

Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her. "Hello!" "How are you? We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you!"

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled love, and Saint Peter welcomed her into heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."


"Okay...has anybody figured out how to get in there?"

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Now Ric's brother-in-law Tim, is getting in on the deal. That family is full of great jokes!

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another.

They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL: Women are BAD. Don't mess with them

LOL....this is the way I felt today, after watching Dr. Phil!


"Wow...they all look like fuzzy little mushrooms, but they taste like hair!"

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Tattletale...and Cat And Mouse

Good Tuesday! These are some pictures of my magnolias that bloomed two weeks ago. With the age of digital media, you'd think I'd have gotten them out of the camera before now....Yea, right!

In the single flower pics the top one is a Saucer Magnolia, that's the smaller tree. The bottom pic is from the bigger tree, that's a Ballerina Magnolia.

I had to get these out 'cause the lilacs are already to bloom!





A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I have to tell you first that this bird has lived in a house of prostitution for the past twenty years and sometimes it says some pretty tough stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided at that price she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home, hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, turned his head to one side and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit offended at the implication, but then thought, "Well, that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then they began to laugh about the comments considering how and where the parrot had been living for the past twenty years.

Moments later, the woman's husband Frank came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Frank."

(Talk about a dead duck! LOL!)


"I don't have to chase this mouse!"

Monday, May 15, 2006

Cowboys...and Doggy Water

Good Monday....The start of a new week. Hope you all made it back! Hump! I'f you didn't, then you aren't reading this....Now that's a real duh!

Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After That eh..heh! Gay Cowboy Movie

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."

4. "Howdy, pardner."

5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."

7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."

8. "Let's mount up!"

9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

10. "Ride'em cowboy"


"The things I go through since my water pic broke!"


Saturday, May 13, 2006

I'm giving this to you a day early because tomorrow I'll be busy all day!

Happy Mothers Day to all you special MOMS!!

Before I was a Mom...

I slept as late as I wanted and never worried about how late I got into bed.

I brushed my hair and my teeth everyday.

Before I was a Mom...

I cleaned my house each day.

I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.

I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.

I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom...I had never been puked on.

Pooped on. Spit on.

Chewed on.

Peed on.

I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.

I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom...

I never held down a screaming child so that doctors could do tests.

Or give shots.

I never looked into teary eyes and cried.

I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.

I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom...

I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put it down.

I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.

I never knew that I could love someone so much.

I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom...

I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.

I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.

I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.

I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom...

I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.

I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom.

I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom.

And before I was a Grandma...

I didn't know that all those "Mom" feelings more than doubled!

Send this to someone who you think is a special Mom or Grandma.



"I'll help Mom and she won't even have to start the machine on her special day!"


Friday, May 12, 2006

Too Much Information...Hidden

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60 perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

I love this part..


Only when he's been drinking."


"I'm hiding from that stupid dog, but he keeps sticking his nose in here!"

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Dumb and Dumber

If it doesn't rain soon and wash all of this pollen away....my head is going to explode. Auhhh...the joys of Upstate New York!

Dumb...

Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic.

Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid."

All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"

Dumber...

John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's a smartbutt when he's drunk and stoned."

Brian from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!!!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"


"Don't look...those jokes were really bad!"

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Bar-B-Que Season...Dog Gone

How cute is this! Run your mouse pointer over it, and she will try to catch it!



adopt your own virtual pet!




LOL...I think I need a permanent link for my blogging buddy Ric Marion's cousin Charley...he is almost as unlimited a source as I have ever come across. Thanks Ric!

Barbecue Season Is Coming:

After the long months of cold and winter, we will soon be coming up to summer, and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking, as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do.

...Probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

1) The woman buys the food.

2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Another Important part:

7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine .....

8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."

...Upon seeing her annoyed reaction, he concludes that there's just no pleasing some women...


"I knew I shouldn't have had that last drink!"

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Ohhh, I've got another one from my blogging buddy Ric Marion Any blondes reading this...go get Ric!

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!

Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."

Ric also figured that he could get out of trouble by sending me...

A smart blond joke

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know poop?" (I made it a nice word, Ric...LOL)



"Where did this cat come from? And why is it clinging to ME?"


Monday, May 08, 2006

I Owe My Mother...a Dog's Life

Good Monday! On to the work week...sorry to sound so cheerful, but everyday I wake up again, I'm cheerful...Can I get an Amen! LOL!

This bit of wisdom is by way of my blogging buddy Ric Marion


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE..."If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION..."You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL..."If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC..."Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC..."If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT..."Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY..."Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry
about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS..."Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM..."Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA..."You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER..."This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY..."If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE..."I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION..."Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY..."There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have all the food you have to eat. Clean your plate."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING..."You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you
are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come
running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS..."You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM..."When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE..."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"


"Auhhh...A dog's life is so tough!"


Saturday, May 06, 2006

Riding a Bike...On His Back

It's after midnight, and I'm as tired as the little dog at the bottom of the post...going to get some extra zzzz's...warning! Put down beverages before reading!


A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."



Friday, May 05, 2006

This is a great list. I swiped it from my blogging friend, the published author Dennie McDonald. She got the list from her mom! The bad part is...I remember every single one of these! Gawd...I'm older than dirt!

1) Being sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV.

2) When Kool-Aid was the only drink for kids, other than milk and sodas.

3) When there were two types of sneakers for girls and boys (Keds & PF Flyers), and the only time you wore them at school, was for "gym."

4) When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up.

5) When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there.

6) When nobody owned a purebred dog.

7) When a quarter was a decent allowance, and another quarter a huge bonus.

8) When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny. And thought you'd found treasure!

9)When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then.

10) When your mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.

11) When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done, everyday.

12) When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking...for free, every time and you didn't pay for air. And you got trading stamps to boot!

13) When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box.

14)When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him, or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it. I once got my butt swatted by our neighborhood cop for running across the street without looking!

15) When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents.

16) When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed...and did!

17) When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.


"Please tell me that I'm dreaming, and I don't have my paw around a cat!"

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Lost Thoughts...and Stray Kibble

I am so busy writing and editing that I've barely got time to visit all of my blogging friends, read a new book on writing, and create audition posts for Brandilyn Collins new blogging campaign for her Kanner Lake Series. And on thop of that the days are just flying by...it's almost the weekend already.

Then I remember how many things I've forgotten and little old people like the two in the joke below make me think I'm going to have to tie a tag around my neck so i can remember who I am...when I get to that age...sheesh!



There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another.

As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered, "Yes. Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. No even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."

Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."


"Uhh, hold up...you've got a little spot of kibble on this side!"

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Beer...and Balls

Wow...Hump day already! I guess Ric's wife let him live yesterday. He probably didn't show her the joke...LOL!

Try this one for size! No husbands or wives were hurt in the writing of this joke!

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a beer."

"Don't get up," said the American, "I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it.

When he returned with the beer, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too." Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up his other shoe and spat in it too. When the American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in beers?"


"Hey, you big lug...give me back my ball!"

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Ten...and Tired

Good Tuesday. this little piece of jockularity comes by way of my blogging friend Ric Marion! LOL..you didn't think I was going to hog the credit for this one, did you Ric??? Ladies...he's all yours...get him Bernita!!!

Ten reasons to choose guns over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN


"Hacking up hairballs all day is a tiring job!"

Monday, May 01, 2006

Wet Smokers...and Curious Kitty

Good Monday morning....another weekend has run through my fingers like the sand in the hourglass...nevermind! Back to work! No more goofing off for at least another five days!

I think today is May Day...Happy day!

Here...try this one on for size...yikes...did I say that!

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom.

Lady 1: Where'd you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, the first lady hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a package of condoms.

The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, in her 80s), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits a Camel




"I know it's in there somewhere!"