Friday, December 28, 2007
by Bonnie Calhoun
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.....
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls"
THIRD TESTIMONY :
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold avariety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No".
I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said,"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh! and remember we all say things we don't really mean, so think before you speak!
Thursday, December 27, 2007
by Bonnie Calhoun
LOL...as we move away from Christmas, and on to the New Year...husbands of the world...take note!
My Darling Husband,
Before you return from your trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with your pick up truck. Fortunately, the damage isn't too bad. More importantly, I didn't get hurt. So please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but your truck came to a halt when it bumped into our car.
I am really sorry, but I know that with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
(BE SURE AND SCROLL PAST THE PICTURE for the P.S.)
P.S. Your girlfriend called.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
by Bonnie Calhoun
Here I go, getting myself in trouble again, but sometimes you gotta' do what you gotta' do!
I got a few e-mails (the ones from last year know better *snort*) from people who have asked me why I did a post on Christmas but I don't do one on Kwanzaa, and they wanted to know why.
Well here's my answer...
I am a born-again, evangelical Christian. Christmas is the commemoration of the birthday of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
Kwanzaa, is a black-oriented holiday invented in 1966 by Dr. Maulana Karenga. On September 17, 1971, this same man was handed one to ten years in prison because of charges filed in 1970 where Karenga and two of his cohorts tortured two women that he accused of trying to kill him.
Karenga beat the women with an electrical cord and a karate baton after ordering them to strip naked. The one woman had a hot soldering iron put in her mouth and placed against her face. That not being sufficient torture, Kurenga also put detergent and running hoses in their mouths.
But ya' know who am I to throw stones...we all make mistakes...rightttttt!
Initially Kwanzaa developed because Karenga held a hostility toward Western religion. He wrote in his 1980 book, Kawaida Theory, "denies and diminishes human worth, capacity, potential and achievement. In Christian and Jewish mythology, humans are born in sin, cursed with mythical ancestors who've sinned and brought the wrath of an angry God on every generation's head."
He similarly opposed belief in God and other "spooks who threaten us if we don't worship them and demand we turn over our destiny and daily lives." Thus, Karenga explained in his 1977 Kwanzaa: Origin, Concepts, Practice, "Kwanzaa is not an imitation, but an alternative, in fact, an oppositional alternative to the spookism, mysticism and non-earth based practices which plague us as a people and encourage our withdrawal from social life rather than our bold confrontation with it."
The holiday "was chosen to give a Black alternative to the existing holiday and give Blacks an opportunity to celebrate themselves and history rather than simply imitate the practice of the dominant society."
Since then, the holiday has gained mainstream adherents, and Karenga has altered its justification so as not to alienate practicing Christians: "Kwanzaa was not created to give people an alternative to their own religion or religious holiday," he writes in Kwanzaa: A Celebration of Family, Community, and Culture, published in 1997.
So, would I as a Christian, American, black woman celebrate this, this Kwanzaa...not with a ten foot pole!
I know there will be people out there who get riled up by my comments.
Too bad...so sad!
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
by Bonnie Calhoun
The story of Christmas comes from the Bible. Here is the way it is told by Luke 2:7-16...
And she brought forth her first born son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.
And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone around about them; and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them,
"Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto to you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger."
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,
"Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men."
And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another,
"Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known to us."
And they came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Thursday, December 20, 2007
by Bonnie Calhoun
LOL...here's some Scitzo Christmas carols. This aught ot hold you over the weekend!
Christmas Carols for the Psychologically Challenged
1) Schizophrenia---- Do You Hear What I Hear, the Voices, the Voices?
2) Amnesia-- I Don't Remember If I'll Be Home For Christmas
3) Narcissistic-- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
4) Manic-- Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Streets And Stores And Office And Town And Cars And Buses And Trucks And Trees And Fire Hydrants And...........
5) Multiple Personality Disorder----We Three Kings Disoriented Are
6) Paranoid---Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Us
7) Borderline Personality Disorder--- You Better Watch Out, You Better not Shout, I'm Gonna Cry, and I'll Not Tell You Why
8) Full Personality Disorder--- Thoughts of Roasting You, On an Open Fire
9) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
10) Agoraphobia---I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House
11) Senile Dementia---Walking In a Winter Wonderland Miles from My House in My Slippers and Robe
12) Oppositional Defiant Disorder---I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, So I Burned Down the House
13) Social Anxiety Disorder---Have Your Self a Merry Little Christmas, While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate
14) Attention Deficit Disorder--We Wish You......Hey Look!! It's Snowing!!!
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Tracey Bateman is the award-winning author of more than twenty-five books, including Defiant Heart, the First in the Westeard Hearts series. She is a member of American Christian Fiction Writers (ACFW) and recently served on the board as President. She loves in Lebanon, Montana, with her husband and their four children.
ABOUT THE BOOK
In the second book in the Westward Hearts trilogy, will the promise of a new life out west heal the scars of Toni's past?
This series tells the stories of three strong women as they struggle to survive on the rough wagon train and lose their hearts to unlikely heroes along the way/ Thin Little House on the Prairie meets Francine river's Redeeming Love and you begin to get a sense of the riveting historical series that Tracey Bateman has created.
In this second installment, we follow Toni Rodden, a former prostitute who sought to escape her past and build a new life, and a new reputation, when she joined the wagon train. Despite much resentment and distrust from the other women, Toni has finally earned a place on the wagon train and found a surrogate family in Fannie Caldwell and her two siblings. For the first time in her life, Toni actually feels free.
But while Toni once harbored dreams that her new life might include a husband and family, she soon realizes the stigma that comes with her past is difficult to see beyond and that she'll never be truly loved or seen as worthy. As the trip out west begins to teach her to survive on her own, she resolves to make her own living as a seamstress when the train finally reaches Oregon.
But despite Toni's conviction that no man will be able to see beyond her marred past, Sam Two-feathers, the wagon scout and acting preacher for the train seems to know of a love that forgives sins and values much more than outward appearances. Will Sam have the confidence to declare his love? Will Toni be able to trust in a God that can forgive even the darkest past? Faith, love, and courage will be put to the test in Distant Heart.
Monday, December 17, 2007
by Bonnie Calhoun
I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold.
Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear Halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it.
It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die.Then you go to heaven then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.
Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science.
Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows.
Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to Heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.
When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado.
Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter.
Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his Son, who's a very good carpenter.
Jared , 8
All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it.
My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was sStill down here on earth.
Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.
What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.
Friday, December 14, 2007
by Bonnie Calhoun
3 Good Arguments
My Cajun friend had 3 good arguments that Jesus was a Cajun:
1. He liked to serve fish to his friends.
2. He could make his own wine
3. He wasn't afraid of water.
My Black friend had 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother."
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
My Italian friend gave his 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.
My California friend also had 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a
1. He had a beard.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
My Irish friend then gave his 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But, my women friends have the most compelling evidence that Jesus,
though NOT a woman, certainly could relate to women:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just
didn't get it.
3 And, even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more
work to do. Amen to that
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Karen Ball , bestselling novelist, is also the editor behind several of today's bestselling Christian novels. Her love for words was passed down through her father and grandfather - both pastors who shared God's truth through sermons and storytelling. Blending humor, poignancy, and honesty, Karen's writing style is a powerful force for revealing God's truth. She lives in Oregon with her husband, Don, and their "kids," Bodhan, a mischief-making Siberian husky, and Dakota, an Aussie-terrier mix who should have been named "Destructo."
ABOUT THE BOOK:
Nothing’s going to stop Kyla…
until the ground crumbles beneath her feet.
Kyla Justice has arrived. Her company, Justice Construction, is one of the most critically acclaimed, commercially successful companies in the Pacific Northwest. And yet, something is missing. Not until she’s called on to build a center for inner-city kids does she realize what it is: her sense of purpose. Now nothing can stop her, not the low budget, not supply problems, not gang opposition, not her boyfriend’s suggestion that she sell her business and marry him–and most especially not that disagreeable Rafael Murphy.
Rafe Murphy understands battle. Wounded in action, this Force Recon Marine carries the scars–and the nightmares–to prove it. Though he can’t fight overseas any longer, he’s found his place as a warrior in the civilian world. So he soldiers on, trusting that one of these days, God will reveal to him why Rafe survived the ambush in Iraq. That day has arrived.
Kyla and Rafe both discover that determination alone won’t carry them through danger and challenges. When gang violence threatens their very foundations, there’s only one way to survive: rely on each other, be real–and surrender to God. In other words, risk everything…
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
by Bonnie Calhoun
I found some more...LOL...I have a few friends who like to torment their co-workers with these! And now for some more ways to annoy people!
Sing along at the opera.
Mow your lawn with scissors.
At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Never make eye contact.
Never break eye contact.
Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
Make appointments for the 31st of September.
Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
Monday, December 10, 2007
by Bonnie Calhoun
Good Monday! Here in new York we are having an ice storm of sorts. Looks like schools will be delayed. LOL...the kids will love that. Sorry i didn't post too much last week. I've been working on my .com. Check it out HERE and let me know what you think over here. Remember...It's not done YET!
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Virginia Smith left her job as a corporate director to become a full time writer and speaker in the summer of 2005. Since then she has contracted eight novels and numerous articles and short stories.
She writes contemporary humorous novels for the Christian market, including her debut, Just As I Am (Kregel Publications, March 2006) and her new release, Murder by Mushroom (Steeple Hill, August 2007). Her short fiction has been anthologized, and her articles have been published in a variety of Christian magazines.
An energetic speaker, Virginia loves to exemplify God’s truth by comparing real-life situations to well-known works of fiction, such as her popular talk, “Biblical Truths in Star Trek.”
ABOUT THE BOOK:
Local police had tagged single mom Becky Dennison as their prime suspect. But she'd only been in the wrong place at the wrong time...admittedly, with her boss's lifeless body. Sure it looked bad, but Becky had no motive for killing...even if she had opportunity.
When the director of the retirement farm for thoroughbred champions is murdered, Becky Dennison teams up with the handsome manager of a neighboring horse farm, Scott Lewis, to find her boss's killer. Soon the amateur detective are hot on the trail of the murderer...even as their feelings for each other deepen.
The amateur sleuths uncover a trail of clues that lead them into the intricate society of Kentucky's elite thoroughbred breeding industry. They soon find themselves surrounded by the mint julep set - jealous southern belles and intensely competitive horse breeders - in a high-stakes game of danger, money, and that famous southern pride.
And for Becky and Scott, this race on the Kentucky tracks has the greatest stakes of all: life or death!
Romantic Times awarded Bluegrass Peril
* * * * FOUR STARS! * * * *
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
by Bonnie Calhoun
I've got some more stupid things to annoy people...LOL...I've tried a few of them and am still alive!
Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
Wear a LOT of cologne.
Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
Saturday, December 01, 2007
It is December 1st, time for the FIRST Day Blog Tour! (Join our alliance! Click the button!) The FIRST day of every month we will feature an author and his/her latest book's FIRST chapter!
and her book:
The Minor Protection Act
Musterion (December 1, 2005)
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:Jodi Cowles caught the travel bug when her parents took her on her first international flight at six months of age. Since then she’s been in over 30 countries. Along the way she’s gotten locked out of her cabin on an all night train to Kiev, helped deliver a baby in Indonesia, taught English in South Korea, gone spelunking in Guam, hiked the Golan Heights and laid bricks in Zimbabwe. Her interest in politics stems from hunting Easter eggs on the south lawn of the White House as a child. For her 30th birthday she ran the LA Marathon and promised to get serious about publishing. Jodi resides in Boise, Idaho and this is her first novel.
AND NOW...THE FIRST CHAPTER:
If the politically correct set was searching for a poster couple, they would need to look no further than Erik and Roselyn Jessup. In college they lit up doobies while attending passionate speeches about legalizing marijuana and freeing Tibet. Erik was even arrested once for helping break into an animal research center. Roselyn bailed him out. After five years of dating they decided to tie the knot. Seven years later, after Roselyn had enough time to get established in her career, she gave birth to their pride and joy, Jayla Lynn Jessup.
Both had satisfying full-time jobs that left them only enough time to pour themselves into Jayla. They attended every event at school, even if it meant working overtime and paying the after school program for a few extra hours. When Jayla made the principal's list or won a spelling bee, they were cheering, and filming, from the front row.
If you'd loke to read the rest of the first chapter, go HERE