Wednesday, November 16, 2005


It's the year 2001 and Noah lives in the United States.

The Lord speaks to Noah and says, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightening, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.

Fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything on board in one year."

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.

"Noah," He shouted, "where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans."

"Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission."

"I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the US Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls."

"However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls!"

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls."

"When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard."

"Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe."

Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe."

"Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!"

"The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'."

"Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore, unconstitutional."

"I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah whined.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly, "I don't have to. The government already has!"


  1. RC said...
    I'm happy that god changed his mind, because I can't swim!

    Not long ago, but not before I was born, I went swimmming with my friends Sally, Alice, and Nadia, but when I jumped in the pool I remembered something, I can't swim. It was so cool looking up at the surface, and after a minute my friend swam down to me, so I said "hi" and started to choke for some reason, and the next thing I know I was out of the pool spitting up water while my friend Alice gave me the beaver face, which was kinda scary to wake up to as I know!

    Great story, Bonnie, and nice to meet you!
    Live, Love, Laugh said...
    I loved that! I have to print this out and share it, you made me laugh again!!!
    Denise McDonald said...
    LOVE IT!!!!
    An Ordinary Christian said...
    Great story! So funny! I really appreciated your comments on my site.
    Anonymous said...
    This is really good. Of course, it show you don't live in Washington State or Oregon. It would take five year there just to get an appointment so they could turn you down for the permit.
    Anonymous said...
    Cute post, Bonnie.

    Mind pictures. Suburban front yard, really big boat....
    Bonnie S. Calhoun said...
    There you are ric, I was in the middle of writing a comment when yours dinged my e-mail. Better mind picture...the person responsible for the pooper-scooper..Yikes

    human bean...I live in New York state, which is a death sentence to any endeavor!
    Tsavo Leone said...
    Just had to drop you another line after reading this post 'cos it had me laughing so hard by the end...

    Do I have your permission to print this one out for one or two friends at work?

    : )
    Tempie said...
    Bonnie...this is so cute...and what's even better is it's true!!!

    Make's you stop and think!!!


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