Saturday, April 29, 2006

A Few Days Off...and Hemorrhoids!

Happy weekend to ya'll! This is just one of the creative ways to get a few days off, irrespective of waiting for the weekend....Yea...two days off!

Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way...

One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered.

"How?" asked the second worker.

Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.

Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head's office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.

"I'm a light bulb" answered the public servant.

"I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here - that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?"

"Yes sir", the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.

The second worker was hot on his heels.

"Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked.

"Home," he said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."

"That's what I get for sitting on cold concrete...hemorrhoids!"

Friday, April 28, 2006


Brandilyn Collins blog tour is going great. Web of Lies is up to #6 on Technorati Popular Book List. Go Brandilyn!

And now for a little jockularity to end the work week!

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

"I outlived all the witches!"

"Egads, I need a diet, I can't even scratch my own butt!"

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Hump day has come and gone...and it's down hill to the weekend. Times flies and I get older every day...*sigh*...I need chocolate! Here's a funny while I go unwrap a few pieces

John invited his mother over for dinner.

During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was.

Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."

About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:

"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter back from his mother:

Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."

Love, Mom.

"I got my drink of what do I do?"

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

"It's a crossover! Okay, so it's not exactly Superman meets Spider-Man, but it is a fun twist for fans of both characters. And Collins throws in a last-minute twist on the murderer himself that will have you re-reading almost the entire book to look for the missing clues. Recommended." --Christian Fiction Review

This month's book review for the Christian Fiction Blog Tour is Web of Lies by Brandilyn Collins. It's published by Zondervan.

It starts out with Chelsea Adams, of Eyes of Elisha fame.

She was washing dishes when her world began to blur.

Chelsea Adams hitched in a breath, her skin pebbling. She knew the dreaded sign all too well. God was pushing a vision into her consciousness.

Black dots crowded her sight. She dropped a plate, heard it crack against the porcelain sink. Her fingers fumbled for the faucet. The hiss of water ceased!

God, I don't want this. Please!

Then enters Annie Kingston, forensic artist of the Hidden Faces Series.

Annie and her sister Jenna witness a convenience store shooting, and Annie is called to draw the face of the shooter. Her plate fills quickly.

Shortly thereafter, a project that her sister is working on, at a private airfield in their neighborhood unearths a skeleton and another murder. Annie also has to reconstruct the face
Enters Chelsea Adams. Her national claim to fame is visions from God. And these visions always put her at odds with law enforcement...But she solves murders! Now she's had a vision and has to get Annie Kingston to draw the face.

Annie and Chelsea are up against a cunning madman, who truly plays to the title, Web of Lies. Lives are at stake. Will they be able to stop this evil?

In my estimation, one of the cool aspects of this novel is Brandilyn Collins' writing. Hidden Faces series books are always written in the first-person perspective of Annie. While Chelsea Adams novels are written in third-person. The two are blended together seamlessly in this novel, with the killer getting a bold third-person perspective.

In this fast-paced, dynamic novel you discover that God reveals things in His own time. And true to Brandilyn Collins style, there is a twist that will have you rethinking and rereading the whole book to find the clues! As with all of Brandilyn Collins' Seatbelt Suspense

don't forget to breathe...

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Happy IVGLDSW Day!

Tuesday...Hurray...Maybe, just maybe Blogger will not be a headache today...Rightttt!

Today is International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day, so please send this post to someone you think fits this description.

Please do not send it back to me as I have already received it from a Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman!

And remember this motto to live by:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, bottle in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!" Have a wonderful day !

To the Girls!!!

"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened!

"I'm not going to vacuum until Sears invents one I can ride on"
--Roseanne Barr--

"If you can't be a good example--then be a horrible warning!

"I refuse to think of them as chin hairs--I think of them as stray eyebrows"
--Janette Barber--

"Inside me is a skinny woman crying to get out--I can usually shut her up with cookies!"

"I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once!"
--Jennifer Unlimited--

"Thirty five is when you're finally getting your act together, and your body is starting to fall apart!"
--Caryn Leschen--

"Huh?? What'd ya' say! I can't hear you!!"

Monday, April 24, 2006

Good Monday morning *sigh* the weekend went way too fast!'ll see an addition to the blogs I visit. The latest addition is a political blog called The Heart of the Matter by Barry Eisler. I highly recommend it for the politically oriented!

And now for a real funny sent to me in an email from a girlfriend living in South Carolina...thanks Sugar Babe....Yea! That's really her name!

In General...
1. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
2. It is considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
4. Even if you're certain that you're included in the will, it's rude to drive a U-haul to the funeral.

Entertaining in your home
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

Personal Hygiene
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done in private using one's own truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to distract from a woman's jewelry, and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (outside the family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive, Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom walls two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the answer; it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater Etiquette
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen.. Tests have proven that they can't hear you.

1. Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks! and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight. 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

"Watch out Ma! That first step is a doosey!"

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Ears to Hear and ...IRS Genie's Saturday...and I'm still awake...Yikes...I'm going to miss the whole day trying to catch up on the sleep I'm missing.

Well Blogger is being a poop, and won't let me upload the next picture series that I want to share. So I'll have to do it tomorrow...yea right....Saturday is always a banner day for Blogger blowups...but I'll try!

Here's another funny that I grabbed from was just to cute to pass up!

Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word "ears" he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, little Johnny."

Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes." "Can he see?" asked little Johnny.

"Yes," the mother replied, "We are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great," said little Johnny, "cuz he'd be crap outta luck if he needed glasses."

And one of my favorites:

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."


The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."


The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."


He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story...

If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached!

Friday, April 21, 2006

Yesterday I went to our local christian store, Arrowhead Parable Christian Center. I discovered two of my favorite authors in close proximity to one another, so I had to go back and take a picture.

To the right of this post you'll see my blogging friend, Marilynn Griffith's latest book Pink.

And next week on April 26th, I'll be doing a book review for my other blogging buddy, Brandilyn Collins' new book Web Of Lies.

You see on the above picture that both books on the shelf are face out!!!...woohoo!!

Now a cute joke I found over at Sandra's....I don't know how I missed this one!

Who said blondes are stupid..........

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.

But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I'm automatically stupid.

So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year...that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back.

Guess I won that stupid argument!

And alas....this is the last 3-D street art picture!

Julian Beever is an English artist who's famous for his art on the pavement of England, France, Germany, USA, Australia and Belgium .

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Zero to 200...and 3-D Art

We've passed the hump and the weekend is on the! There's hope for us all! Spring is beginning to bloom and in the next few days I will have pictures of my magnolias...I have both kinds...I get pictures early because we always wind up with a frost that browns all the delicate flowers! :-(....This joke is get-the-man joke!

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new automobile for

He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from Zero to 200 in four seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You surprise me."

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services will be at Downing Funeral Home on Monday, the 27th. Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service.

Please send your donations to the "Think Before You Say Things To Your Wife Foundation".

Julian Beever is an English artist who's famous for his art on the pavement of England, France, Germany, USA, Australia and Belgium .

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

We made it...hump day...hurray...It's all down hill from here. Hey if anyone out there is into Christian music, our youth group has a band Fight The Fall". Stop by their blog and hear their sound...WARNING: It's young people music...LOL!

I got this by email, but I'm pretty sure I also read it at my friend Sandra's!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were traveling through the desert. As it grew dark, they decided to stop for the night. They set up their tent and both tired men promptly fell asleep.

Some hours later Tonto woke up the Lone Ranger and said, "Kemo Sabe, look towards the sky. What you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically it tells me the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you Tonto?"

"It tells me that you are dumber than buffalo crap. Someone stole the tent!"

Julian Beever is an English artist who's famous for his art on the pavement of England, France, Germany, USA, Australia and Belgium .

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Hey, hey, it's Tuesday...I snatched this one from my friend Sandra. She amazes me sometimes with the funnies that she finds! I've had several Dear Dieary jokes...I should put them all together and make it a book...LOL!

It's fun to cook for Don. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Don wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Don brought a friend home for supper.

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Today Don asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Don asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Don did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Don keeps counting to ten.

Don's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Don. If I can talk Don into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose!

Julian Beever is an English artist who's famous for his art on the pavement of England, France, Germany, USA, Australia and Belgium. This computer is actually flat on the cool is that! I've been asked if he has a book of his artwork. I don't know. If anyone finds one please let me know!

Monday, April 17, 2006

Good Monday morning! I trust everyone had a happy and blessed Resurrection Day!

Being an Upstate New Yorker, I enjoyed these little ha ha's that come to me by way of Jeff Foxworthy...Enjoy our culture!

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Upstate New York. We have an almost annual Crappie Derby...In January this year the ice was too thin!

If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights a year because Saranac Lake is the coldest spot in the nation, and Buffalo gets more snow than any other major city in the US, you might live in Upstate, NY.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from October through May, you might live in Upstate New York

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year, you might live in Upstate New York.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Upstate NY. They do it at Lowe's too!

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Upstate New York.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Upstate New York.

If your town has more bars than churches, you might live in Upstate New York.

If you have had a lengthy phone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Upstate New York. Been there, done that! They were looking for Bonnie...only not me! It took several minutes before I figured out that I had no idea who I was talking to!


"Vacation" means going South past Syracuse for the weekend. I live in the South...who knew!

You measure distance in hours.

You know several people who have hit a deer more than once. Right here! *she waves*

You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again. Morning, afternoon, and evening!

You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching. Yeehaw! Doesn't everybody?

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. I don't have any...but the lights are to see when animals trip the circuit...that way you know where the coyotes are!

You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend/wife knows how to use them. Yea, baby...doesn't everyone?

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. Being a seamstress, I've been there more than once!

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. AMEN!

You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction. That about sums it up!

You can identify a southern or eastern accent. Well, yea!

Down South to you means Corning.

A brat is something you eat. Love, love, love it!

Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new shed.

You go out for a fish fry every Friday. Usually make it myself!

Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost. Been there more than once!

You have more miles on your snow blower than your car. Not quite but it's running a close second!

You find 10 degrees "a little chilly." That about sums it up!

You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your
Upstate New York friends and to those who've seen your license plate!!

Julian Beever is an English artist who's famous for his art on the pavement of England, France, Germany, USA, Australia and Belgium . this one is to be viewed upside down, so I flipped it!

Sunday, April 16, 2006


Friday, April 14, 2006

Today Is Good Friday

Today marks the anniversary of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ being nailed to a tree and crucified...And Praise the Lord, He rose three days later, and forever sits on the right-hand of God, the Father as our mediator and high priest!

I felt like a bit of introspective reflection today...enjoy your Holiday weekend!

He saw people love each other and he saw that all love made strenuous demands on the lovers. He saw love require sacrifice and self-denial. He saw love produce arguments and anguish..And he decided not to diminish his life with love.

He saw people strive for distant and hazy goals. He saw men strive for success and he saw that the striving was frequently mixed with disappointment..and he decided that it cost too much. He decided not to soil his life with striving.

He saw people serving others. He saw men give money to the poor and helpless..and he saw that the more they served, the faster the need grew..He saw ungrateful receivers turn on their serving friends..He decided not to soil his life with serving.

And when he died, he walked up to God and presented him with his life. Undiminished, unmarred, and unsoiled, his life was clean from the filth of the world, and he presented it proudly...saying, “This is my life.”

And God responded by saying, “What Life?”

Tim Hansel

Invest your life wisely and you'll reap great dividends for you and those you've impacted along the way.

“There is a choice you have to make in everything you do. So keep in mind that in the end, the choice you make makes you.” Maxwell

You don’t get to choose how you’re going to die, or when. You can only decide how you’re going to live.

“Your life is like a book."

The title page is your name, the preface your introduction to the world.

The pages are a daily record of your efforts, trials, pleasures, discouragements, and achievements.

Day by day your thoughts and acts are being inscribed in your book of life.

Hour by hour, the record is being made that must stand for all time.

Once the word ‘finish’ must be written, let it then be said of your book that it
is a record of noble purpose, generous service, and work well done.”

Grenville Kleiser

Julian Beever is an English artist who's famous for his art on the pavement of England, France, Germany, USA, Australia and Belgium .

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Birthday Gift...and Spiderman

A nice young man wanted to purchase a birthday gift for his new sweetheart. As they had not been dating very long, after some careful consideration, he decided that a pair of elegant winter gloves would strike just the right note - romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to a fine department store and chose a pair of lovely white fur-lined gloves. The sister did her own shopping, buying a pair of panties for herself.

While the clerk was wrapping the items, she got the boxes mixed up, and gave the gloves to the sister and gift-wrapped the panties for the young man.

The young man sealed the package without noticing and sent it to his sweetheart, who opened it on her birthday to find his enclosed note:

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she demonstrated the short ones she wears that are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked very sharp.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love.

(P.S... The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing


Julian Beever is an English artist who's famous for his art on the pavement of England, France, Germany, USA, Australia and Belgium .

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

A young man, named Andy, that I met on our Bible Study blog (the link is in the left side bar about halfway down) reminded me of this first joke, so I used that one and several others....enjoy.

A preacher, a priest and a rabbi when fishing on a lake one day, but the fish weren't biting.

The preacher said, "I can't take anymore of this. I'm going to go fix up the fire."

Having said this he stepped out of th boat and walked on the water to the shore.

Shortly afterwards the priest said he was also tired of sitting there and not getting even the least suggestion of a bite on his line.

He got up, walked on the water to shore and joined the preacher.

Now the rabbi watched all this in amazement, but then reasoned, "If they can do it so can I."

Convincing himself that nothing made these other men special so he should also be able to walk on the water he stepped out of the boat and immediately splashed about as he sank in the water.

The priest turned to the preacher and said, "You think we should tell him where the stones are?"


A Christian college student came to a point of indecision regarding what he thought was preparation for the ministry. More and more he just didn't feel like that's what God wanted him to do, but he didn't want to step out of God's will.

So taking out his Bible he flipped it open and stuck his finger randomly on the page and read, what he was hoping, was the will of the Lord.

The verse said, "And Judas went out and hung himself."

The student thought that's not right. There's no way that would be God's will for him, so he tried it again, this time picking a different page, a different spot on the page and read these words, "Go thou and do likewise."


A missionary to Africa was asked about his call and replied that God had called him vocally. What he didn't know all these years was that while he was in the chapel praying for God's will, one of his buddies was in the vent overhead and began calling out loudly, "Africa!" This really happened!!!


An elderly Catholic woman entered the church to pray.

She lit a candle and knelt before the image of Mary. Soon a gently voice filled the sanctuary, "Yes my daughter. What is it you want?"


The woman didn't respond at all.

Again the voice pleaded with her to tell her what it was she wanted and again she remained silent.

A third time the voice called out to her and she shouted back, "Will you'a shudda up. I'm a talking to your Mama!"


And of course the best joke of the day is looking in the mirror and realizing that God loved me. He must be either crazy or know something about me that I don't know!

More 3-D street art by Julian Beever!

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

I just love this picture...I had to add it!

"What part of Quiet didn't you understand?"

I stole this joke from my blogging friend was too good to resist...Thanks Sandra!

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her the only gas can he owned had been loaned out but she could wait until it was returned.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street.

One of them turned to the other and said,"If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

More 3-D street art by Julian Beever!

Monday, April 10, 2006

Good Monday morning! I trust you all had a fun weekend, and our prayers are still going up for those in the South, affected by the tornadoes this past weekend!

This post did have some cute little pics with it, but Blogger was being a butt-head...:-)


1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.


1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


At age 4 success is....not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is...having friends.
At age 16 success is...having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is...having money.
At age 50 success is...having money.
At age 70 success is...having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is...having friends.
At age 80 success is...not peeing in your pants.

More 3-D street art by Julian Beever!

Saturday, April 08, 2006

It's was just Friday...sheesh...time flies. Well for us ladies, I know you will identify with the following definitions that I got from my friend B.J. Scroggins...It's so simple. I don't know why men think we are speaking a foreign language!

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine.'

"GO AHEAD" (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over Nothing and will end with the word "Fine."

"GO AHEAD" (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

This is not actually a word, but is a onverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow".

At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

More 3-D street art by Julian Beever!

Friday, April 07, 2006

Idoits and Maxine

When I get done with Maxine this week, I want to show you some very cool sidewalk art.

Julian Beever is an English artist who's famous for his art on the pavement of England, France, Germany, USA, Australia and Belgium .

Beever gives to his drawings an amazing 3D illusion. At the bottom of the post I show you how he accomplished this one...Notice he's standing on the top of the world with a golf club!

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down. I D 1 0 T


I used to like Harold.

This is a side shot to show you how the 3-D sidewalk painting of the earth was accomplished

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Things Said in a 55 Chevy

It's Thursday....I made it across the hump and I didn't even notice it...Time flies, I get older, my hair gets grayer, and my hips get...uh, never mind!!

These quotes really take me back, especially since I remember hearing them all at one time or another! Enjoy a walk down memory lane....and don't worry if you're too young to remember them Dennie...LOL!

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage." And I do remember gas being 29.9 cents

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it. "

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

Know friends who would get a kick out of these? Pass it on!

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

My home town blogging buddy Debra Brand sent me these funnies for your pleasure!

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking...and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says... "Helloooooo, can you see Florida...?????"

A woman pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

A police officer stops a old woman for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

There's this woman out for a walk. She comes to a river and
sees a man on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The man looks up the river then down the river and
shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and
screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.

Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the woman behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the woman yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her
turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science and Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"


A girl was visiting her air-headed friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The air-head responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the air-head. "They're watch dogs!"

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Measurements and Maxine

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A young lady walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb woman? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length.

Bubba and Junior are currently doing government work advising on the reconstruction
of those New Orleans Levees.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Caught my eye...and Maxine

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous
redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out
since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies........."You just happened to catch my eye."

Oh shut up, I just pass them on, I don't write them.)

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Old Age....and Maxine

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a
fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted,
gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and
asked, "How o! ld was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought
prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with Dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But,... thank God, I still have my driver's license.

--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over WALMart. "WalMart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why WalMart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

---I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

---I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.!

--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

- --THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10. Oh heck, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are.