Saturday, July 29, 2006

Hog Farming


TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture, Washington, D.C

Dear Sir,

I have been evacuated from New Orleans because the flood took my old trailer and beat up car. I thought I might go into business to supplement my welfare check.

My friend over at Wells, Iowa received a check for $1,000 from the Government for not raising hogs. Right now I'm getting extra help from the government and Red Cross while I'm displaced but when that stops I want to go into the "not-raising-hogs" business.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very happy about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs. If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that too. In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.

Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,
Ima Taker


  1. Anonymous said...
    I love it. If I could get the publishers to pay me for not writing Novels that would be super. I think I could refrain from writing about five a year.
    Elizabeth Krecker said...
    Amazing. Do you think they'd pay me for NOT going to my day job? After all, I'm adding to global warming each time I make my morning commute. Never mind the number of trees I kill with the swarms of paper my work generates.

    Hmm...Bonnie, I think you're on to something!
    Stephen Newton said...
    Hey Bonnie, Are you familiar with teh Christian writer Anne Lemott? She wrote Tender Mercies and a book for writers called Bird by Bird.
    Joe said...
    I, for one, am not going to raise hogs, grow corn, work at a power plant, fly commercial airplanes, dig ditches, or host a morning network TV show.

    No doubt I will be a millionaire at taxpayer expense in no time!
    Ballpoint Wren said...
    Funny, Bonnie! We could also get some checks for not raising milk cows, too.
    Mindy Tarquini said...
    I want to get paid for not buying a gas guzzling car, for not losing weight and for not eating all the Pringles. Wonder how much I can get out of them for not filing my taxes on the earnings?
    Sandra Ruttan said...
    I wanna get paid for not doing housework - grin!
    Bonnie S. Calhoun said...
    Stephen, I am not familiar with that writer, but I will look her up!

    I wanna get paid for not getting out of my pajamas! ROFLOL
    Mirtika said...
    ~Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that too. ~

    What is sad is this ain't that far from the truth.

    Will writers get paid for NOT writing? :)

    Mir--happy to be paid for just reading all day
    WannabeMe said...
    Hey, I'm with Sandra!
    M. C. Pearson said...
    Will I get paid for not getting published or finding an agent?

    Love it, Bonnie!
    Crystal said...
    Umm...yeah. I don't raise hogs either. Where's my money?

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