by Bonnie Calhoun

I can not believe it....I CAN NOT believe it!!! Auggghhhh!!!! I CAN NOT BELIEVE IT!!!
Sanjaya Malakar is still on American Idol. Augghhh! He wasn't even in the bottom three! And his song was really, I mean REALLY bad this week.

You can see the look on Simon Cowell's face. He is ready to spit...For that matter, so am I. And I'm sure that woman know as "J" is yelling at her TV.

She's a 22-year-old MySpace blogger from Buffalo, who went on a hunger strike until Sanjaya was booted off the show. Last week when it was 16 days later and he hadn't got the hook, the poor girl broke open a box of donuts in "sheer" dispair! Her doctor told her enough was enough.

Well that's what we've been saying about this kid. But stupid Howard Stern is leading the charge to ruin American idol, by cranking out the votes and helping this no-talent child to win.

That would be sad in so many ways if it happens...including the obvious...Sanjaya Malakar CAN"T SING!

Here's a joke to make me feel better!

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." he sighed, "let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

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This week, the

Christian Fiction Blog Alliance

is introducing

IN HIGH PLACES

(Bethany House March 1, 2007)

by

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Tom Morrisey is the author of four previous novels and numerous short stories, a world-renowned adventure-travel writer whose work has appeared in Outside, Sport Diver (where he serves as Executive Editor) and other leading magazines.

He holds an MA in English Language and Literature from the University of Toledo and an MFA in Creative Writing from Bowling Green State University. He lives in Orlando, Florida.

ABOUT THE BOOK:

For Patrick Nolan, every climb tells a story. And now maybe it's his own …. He's right at the rim, staring over the cliff's knife edge and wondering how things went wrong so quickly.

It all started after arriving home from a weekend climbing trip with his father, Kevin. That's when word reached them. In a silent moment, they'd lost the person most important to them—her death raising unanswerable questions and dangerous doubts.

Launching a new life in a new town to escape their pain, son and father find themselves in danger of being torn apart forever. As his father seeks a route to solace on the dangerous high face of the rock, Patrick finds a path to hope with the unlikeliest of allies—a pastor's daughter. Together they must discover the one answer that can bring Patrick and Kevin back from the brink of the precipice.

Endorsements: "It is rare to find a 'man's man' who knows the human heart, much less one who can write with such a well-balanced combination of sensitivity and adrenaline-charged adventure."
—Athol Dickson, Christy-Award-winning author of River Rising

"Beautifully exciting, haunting, and satisfying. Morrisey leaves you hanging by your fingertips."
—Lisa Samson, award-winning author of The Church Ladies and Straight Up

"Tom Morrisey is a master wordsmith and an expert at weaving gripping stories. If I pick up a book with his name on it, I know I'm going for gold."
—Angela Hunt, author of Uncharted

by Bonnie Calhoun


It's the year 2007 and Noah lives in the United States.

The Lord speaks to Noah and says, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightening, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.

Fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything on board in one year."

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.

"Noah," He shouted, "where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans."

"Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission."

"I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the US Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls."

"However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls!"

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls."

"When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard."

"Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe."

Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe."

"Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!"

"The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'."

"Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore, unconstitutional."

"I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah whined.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly, "I don't have to. The government already has!"

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by Bonnie Calhoun

A young farm lad from North Iowa goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at University of Michigan that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out.

The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

His father sends the money.

The boy now has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog!

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives in town?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a B before he talks to your mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

(The kid went on to be a successful LAWYER !!!!!)

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by Bonnie Calhoun

I spent the weekend perusing political blogs. This is one that you will like...No More Incumbents Blog.

The premise behind the blog is that they are working to insure natural term limits by removing all incumbents from office (mind you I'm not sure what a natural term limit is), and absolute power corrupts absolutely.

But they ask your opinion on politics. LOL...and for the hundreds of you that I know, I know if nothing else...you all have an opinion about politics! They are in what they call a pre-launch status, until they gain enough voices.

They want to know if you think incumbents have an unfair advantage. The owner of the blog asks you seven questions. You can send back the response by email. They are also looking for every state to be represented by bloggers on this new site.

I know a lot of definitely opinionated people. Now is the time for all good men...and women to come to the aid of their country, and speak up. Go check out the survey they are doing at No More Incumbents Blog. Oh and you don't have to be just from the United States to join in. The one guy I read was from Toronto, Ontario, Canada!

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It is April 1st, time for the FIRST Day Blog Tour! (Join our alliance! Click the button!) The FIRST day of every month we will feature an author and his/her latest book's FIRST chapter!

Mary E. DeMuth

and her book:

Wishing on Dandelions

(NavPress Publishing, 2006)

This month's feature is very special. The author is one of the FIRST Day Blog Alliance Members!!! Click here for her Blogspot! MARY E. DeMUTH has spent the last fifteen years as a writer. Winner of the 2003 Mount Herman Christian Writers Conference's Pacesetter's Award, she now splits her time between writing and planting a new church with her husband, Patrick, and two other families. Wishing on Dandelions is the second book in the Maranatha Series. The first was the critically praised book, Watching the Tree Limbs. She has also written two parenting books. Building the Christian Family You Never Had and a new one called Authentic Parenting in a Postmodern Culture which will release this summer with Harvest House. Mary, Patrick, and their three children make their home in Texas.

I still can’t tell my story up close, like it was me in it,breathing the tangled wisteria on the fence posts of Burl, Texas. There are times I still can’t bear to say it was me. The book of mylife continues to open, painful word by painful word, page after page. I get real close to typing the whole story with the word I in it, but I hit delete every time, replacing me with she.

Zady tells me I’m ready to write my story honest, but I’m not so sure. She says she’s there to help me remember my healing,even as she puts an arm around my shoulder when a tear slips through. “It hurts,” she says. “Real bad. Lord, I wish it didn’t rip at you so.”

If you wish to read the rest of the chapter, go HERE

by Bonnie Calhoun

Okay, we made it to Friday...I can't talk...I can't think...I can't believe that Sanjaya Malakar IS STILL ON AMERICAN IDOL! In the name of all that is right in the universe...I would ask the Lord to help...but this is way too stupid to waste His time!

This is unbelievable!I tried to find a picture of this week's rubberband mohawk hairdo, but they are not forthcoming yet! And then, on Wednesday, Ryan Seacrest comes out on stage in the same kind of hairdo. Simon is beside himself and actually speechless.

Sanjaya has to go. This is like the effects of global warming, nuclear proliferation, and a few category 5 hurricanes thrown in for good measure. Lord...will the people of America please send Sanjaya Malakar HOME!!!!

And now for some other children:

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing He said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam asked.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God answered.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit?"

"Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!"

"No Way!"

"Yes, way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having a fruit break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" asked the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did to!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children,

what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said in the first place.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

7. Just when you redecorate their room into a nice TV room, they show up with boxes, suitcases and large dogs, to move back home.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children!!!"



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This week, the
Christian Fiction Blog Alliance

is introducing

RECLAIMING NICK

( Tyndale Fiction, 2007)
by
Susan May Warren
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Award winning author SUSAN MAY WARREN recently returned home to her native Minnesota after serving for eight years with her husband and four children as missionaries with SEND International in Far East Russia. She now writes full time from Minnesota's north woods. Visit her Web site at www.susanmaywarren.com

ABOUT THE BOOK:

RECLAIMING NICKis the first of The Noble Legacy series. Book Two, Taming Rafe, will be available January 2008.

A Modern Day Prodigal Comes Home...
NICK NOBLE HADN'T PLANNED ON BEING THE PRODIGAL SON.

But when his father dies and leaves half of Silver Buckle--the Noble family ranch--to Nick’s former best friend, he must return home to face his mistakes, and guarantee that the Silver Buckle stays in the Noble family.

Award-winning journalist Piper Sullivan believes Nick framed her brother for murder, and she’s determined to find justice. But following Nick to the Silver Buckle and posing as a ranch cook proves more challenging than she thinks. So does resisting his charming smile.

As Nick seeks to overturn his father’s will--and Piper digs for answers--family secrets surface that send Nick’s life into a tailspin. But there’s someone who’s out to take the Silver Buckle from the Noble family, and he’ll stop at nothing--even murder--to make it happen.

Endorsement:

“Susan May Warren once again delivers that perfect combination of heart-pumping suspense and heart-warming romance.”--Tracey Bateman, author of the Claire Everett series.

If you would like to hear more about Nick, he has his own blog Also, the first chapter is there...

by Bonnie Calhoun

Hey, we made it to Hump Day, and only two things have made me snort this week. Growth hormones...Please tell me why in the name of all that is Holy would someone want to intentionally put a growth chemical into their body?

This borders on being about as bizarre as women taking estrogen after menopause! You wanna' know why that borders on being a "Duh"! Because every woman on the planet goes through menopause. Since the beginning of time!

Get a grip people (especially the men hawking the pills), GOD created woman to go through menopause. Do you think that one night He was sitting around with the angels and said, "Crap! I forgot women are going to need estrogen after menopause! Boy did I screw that up! I'll need someone to create them a pill to fix that mistake!"
It's the same thing with this growth hormone thing. I saw a stupid ad, well actually I got one like it in my email...Slow down the aging process...Feel young again. Yea right, and what kind of parts are you going to grow while your getting younger.

Heck if you take to much you could revert to puberty. *snort* And I know everybody would love to go through that fun and games again! Why can't people just grow old gracefully and be who the Lord made them to be?

I'm still shaking my head. Anyhow...here's a joke from my friend, Ric...

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua.

As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a @#%!&* Chihuahua?!"


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by Bonnie Calhoun

Good Tuesday...The river is holding, or should I say the banks are holding, the water at bay. so we're all praying. There was a pretty wicked thunder and lightening storm tonight with a deluge of rain. So I spent most of the evening off line, but when I did get back to work...

Thur Broeders rocks!!! He is the awesome programming genius over at Blogger Workshop, and he created this template, in it's unadorned state. But all the CSS I use I utilize in it, I also learned from him!

Well to start, my template was fluid (it squished on smaller screens) and the sidebars loaded first. Since I've started SEO (Search Engine Optimization) I learned that to get the biggest bang for the buck, the main column needs to load first because spiders only gather a certain amount of data from a page.

So, after totally pulling my hair out trying to make the changes myself *snort*, I ask Thur if he would make a fixed, center load first version. Wheeeee!! Thur Broeders rocks...go check out all the other templates that he's made, and he teaches a lot of technique that's really helpful.

And since I spent most of last night working on my template or dodging lighting...that's all folks!

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Thank you Thur!