Friday, August 31, 2007
by Bonnie Calhoun
This is some Philosophy and a Joke combined that is designed to make you a better person!!!
Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear or are about to repeat a rumor especially via e-mail. Many rumors can be checked out using Snopes.com or some other rumor checker. This should be marked as a "favorite" so one can easily refer to it.
I do not mind policial jokes but there has been false statements about Bill & Hillary Clinton and some about George W. Bush. There have been false rumors that one can unlock their car doors using their cell phone and their spouse using the spare remote to open the door. etc. etc. etc.
I am not a lawyer but when false statements are spread about people I consider it libel and slander. Try to use the TEST OF THREE, it will make one a better person!!
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely
lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an
acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said,
"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell
me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called
the Test of Three."
"Test of Three?"
"That's correct," Socrates continued.
"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a
moment to test what you're going to say. The first
test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what
you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know
if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test,
the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me
about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me
something bad about him even though you're not certain
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because
there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about my student going to
be useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell
me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell
it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher
and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that
Plato was banging his wife.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
by Bonnie Calhoun
This is not me btw...but it is really funny!
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.
The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late.
I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, But the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place.
I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul.
As I preached the workers began to say 'Amen,' 'Praise the Lord,' and 'Glory'! I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelation.
I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, 'I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years!
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Tony is the author of the acclaimed Waking Lazarus. He has been an advertising agency owner/principal, a trade amgazine editor, and now a novelist.
He has been a professional writer for more than 15 years with articles appearing in publications as varied as Log Homes, Conservative Theological Journal, and Travel & Leisure. He is also Creative Director at Montana's largest advertising agency.
His long list of past odd jobs includes trimming Christmas trees, sorting seed potatoes, working the graveyard shift at a convenience store, and cleaning cadaver storage rooms.
As a teen he was undefeated in air guitar competitions in which he performed songs by ZZ Top.
He lives in Montana with his wife and daughter,
ABOUT THE BOOK:
Candace "Canada Mac" MacHugh lives a ghost of her former life.
Once a proud Butte, Montana, miner who daily risked her life setting explosives, she's now a garbage collector in her dying hometown.
Her beloves father is dead and she doesn't speak to her mom. More than anything, Candace Mac misses her father. He promised to contact her from the "other side" if he could...but it's been eleven long years. And now even her beloved city of Butte, Montana, seems to be dying off.
Candace Mac is alone. Longing for the past. Dreaming of making a difference.
Until one night when her father's voice speaks to her from the shadows. Bud MacHugh's trademark growl. The dead, it seems, have messages they hunger to share with the world...warnings of impending disasters and grave danger. Of cities doomed to burn.
But they need Canada's help.
T.L. Hines' first novel, Waking Lazarus was named one of the Library Journal's Top 25 Genre novels of 2006. Now he's back with a gripping suspense that brings to light our fears and asks us if we still have the courage to fight for those around us. if we have the guts to be one of those who run into burning buildings.
"Chilling!" Publishers Weekly
"...a well-paced suspense populated by dynamic characters." Kirkus Discoveries
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
by Bonnie Calhoun
Amazingly simple home remedies
(these are funnies - PLEASE DO NOT ATTEMPT !!!- BONNIE IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR DAMAGE TO ONE'S PERSON )
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
Thoughts for the day: If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance, so be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bed pan.
Monday, August 27, 2007
by Bonnie Calhoun
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to every woman who has ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (THE DEAR) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school tennis team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My husband (THE SWEET DEAR) seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started.
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me.
He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile....... Woo Hoo, let's get going!!
Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to him in his awesome Lycra aerobic shorts.
I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the entire time that he was around.
WOW! This is going to be a fantastic week!!
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then he put weights on it. My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile and Bruce's beautiful rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It's s a whole new life for me.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over the damn brush.
I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Bruce was becoming impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered all of the other club members.
His voice then became a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY, VERY, annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster.
Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He mumbled some other stuff too.......but who listened.
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.
I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my F---ING shoes.
Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking,
I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as my punishment, he put me on the rowing machine which I sank.
I hate that Bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of this world.
Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader fruit. If there was a part of my body that I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat the crap out of him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps.
I don't have any triceps!!
And if he didn't want dents in the floor, he shouldn't have handed me the *&%#(#&**!!@* barbells or anything else that weighed more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly, girly voice wondering why I did not show up today.
Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner.
However, I lacked the strength to even pick up the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.
I will also pray that next year my husband (THE BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that is fun -like a root canal or perhaps a hysterectomy.
Friday, August 24, 2007
by Bonnie Calhoun
Whoohoo!!! I made it to Friday...TGIF!
Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.
The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted.
His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.
About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.
That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.
Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around.
She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake.
She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred.
They were about to arrest them all, when the two women explained how it all happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa.
The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.
Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.
Neighbors called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck started raising the ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and cutting electricity and disconnected telephones in a ten-square city block area.
Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.
About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.
The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
She shot him!
Thursday, August 23, 2007
by Bonnie Calhoun
It's Thursday....I made it across the hump and I didn't even notice it...Time flies, I get older, my hair gets grayer, and my hips get...uh, never mind!!
These quotes really take me back, especially since I remember hearing them all at one time or another! Enjoy a walk down memory lane....and don't worry if you're too young to remember them...LOL!
"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."
"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."
"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage." And I do remember gas being 29.9 cents
"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."
"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it. "
"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."
"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."
"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."
"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."
"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."
"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."
"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."
"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."
Know friends who would get a kick out of these? Pass it on!
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Mark Mynheir is a cop writer. He has authored Rolling Thunder (The Truth Chasers Book One) and From the Belly of the Dragon (The Truth Chasers Book Two).
During his career as a police officer, Mark has worked as a narcotics agent, a S.W.A.T. team member, and a homicide detective. Mark and his wife, Lori, live with their three children in central Florida.
ABOUT THE BOOK:
Florida Department of Law Enforcement Agent Robbie Sanchez devotes her life to crime prevention, and it shows: She has no personal life and doesn’t know the meaning of a day off. After all, someone has to be around to clean up the mess crime leaves behind.
So when Officer Brad Worthington is brutally murdered, Agent Sanchez is called to the scene along with Brad’s best friend, Detective Eric Casey. The two turn to Lifetex, the genetics lab near the scene, hoping their elaborate security system might have captured the crime outside.
But what’s going on inside the lab is far worse: a renegade scientist is cloning humans! As Robbie and Eric pursue clues–and a growing attraction–they are caught in a deadly battle as the clones begin to act on their own volition…but this battle threatens to claim more than human life; the clones are vying for human souls.
The Void is nothing short of a page-turner. Mynheir is truly hitting his stride as one of our industry's most notable Christian novelists. This latest book has it all: suspense, humor, intrigue, realistic police action, and one thought-provoking story line.
Author of Nobody
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
by Bonnie Calhoun
Better know as....Why it's better to be a Woman!
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions. (The Israelites wandered around the desert for 40 years before Mrs. Moses asked for directions!
Monday, August 20, 2007
by Bonnie Calhoun
Proof of entitlement mentality. These are a couple of years old, but they're still funny!
It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving.
Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?
That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.
Here are the Stella's for the past year:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut.
Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish.
Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.
Keep scratching. There are more...
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
Grrrrr ... Scratch, scratch.
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?
Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stella¢s to go...
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
(May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please)
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.
Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just incase Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
Are we, as a society, getting more stupid...?
Friday, August 17, 2007
by Bonnie Calhoun
Black and White
(Under age 40? You won't understand.)
You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
"Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet."
My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.
My Mom use to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I use to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in icepack coolers, but I can't remember getting e.coli.
Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.
The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.
We all took gym, not PE...and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym)instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.
Flunking gym was not an option... even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.
We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a cap and everything.
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.
I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.
Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!
We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.
Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked there and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.
I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop, just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?
We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?
LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA, AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T- SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED. I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING
Pass this to someone and remember that life's most simple pleasures are very often the best.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
by Bonnie Calhoun
I read this on another blog and it was just too funny to pass up. But it's long!!!
The author and authenticity of this tale are unknown. However, it was just too dang hysterical not to share...
I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that since they congregated at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away) that it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.. The cattle, which had seen the roping thing before, stayed well back.. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes my deer showed up, 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope.
The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it. .It took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope with some dignity. A deer, no chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it.
As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I originally imagined. The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.
At that point I had lost my taste for corn fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death. I managed to get it lined up to back in between my truck and the feeder, a little trap I had set beforehand. Kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and started moving up so I could get my rope back..
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head, almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the hound out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.. I learned a long time ago that when an animal like a horse strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal.
This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond I devised a different strategy. I screamed like woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and three times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now when a deer paws at you and knocks you down it doesn't immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
Now for the local legend. I was pretty beat up. My scalp was split open, I had several large goose eggs, my wrist was bleeding pretty good and felt broken (it turned out to be just badly bruised) and my back was bleeding in a few places, though my insulated canvas jacket had protected me from most of the worst of it. I drove to the nearest place, which was the co-op. I got out of the truck, covered in blood and dust and looking like I’d just come from a bar-room brawl. The guy who ran the place saw me through the window and came running out yelling "what happened"
I have never seen any law in the state of Kansas that would prohibit an individual from roping a deer. I suspect that this is an area that they have overlooked entirely. Knowing, as I do, the lengths to which law enforcement personnel will go to exercise their power, I was concerned that they may find a way to twist the existing laws to paint my actions as criminal.
I swear, not wanting to admit that I had done something monumentally stupid played no part in my response. I told him "I was attacked by a deer." I did not mention that at the time I had a rope on it. The evidence was all over my body. Deer prints on the back of my jacket where it had stomped all over me and a large deer print on my face where it had struck me there. I asked him to call somebody to come get me. I didn't think I could make it home on my own. He did.
Later that afternoon, a game warden showed up at my house and wanted to know about the deer attack. Surprisingly, deer attacks are a rare thing and wildlife and parks was interested in the event.. I tried to describe the attack as completely and accurately as I could. I was filling the grain hopper and this deer came out of nowhere and just started kicking the hell out of me and BIT me.
It was obviously rabid or insane or something. EVERYBODY for miles around knows about the deer attack (the guy at the co-op has a big mouth). For several weeks people dragged their kids in the house when they saw deer around and the local ranchers carried rifles when they filled their feeders. I have told several people the story, but NEVER anybody around here. I have to see these people every day and as an outsider, a "city folk," I have enough trouble fitting in without them snickering behind my back and whispering "there is the dumb-butt” that tried to rope the deer.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Beth White is the author of Fireworks and Fair Game, as well as the critically acclaimed Texas Gatekeepers serie from Love Inspired Suspense.
In her own words, she appreciate her most valued roles as wife and mom. Beth is also a second-grade Sunday school teacher, church orchestra member (She plays flute), and artist. She loves to read, crochet, sew, go on mission trips and avoid housework.
Beth lives in Mobile with her minister husband, and is currently on staff at First Baptist Church of North Mobile (fondly known as NoMo), in Saraland, Alabama.
ABOUT THE BOOK:
Ambition is on a collision course with a secret from the past.
Judge Laurel Kincade, a rising political star, is announcing her candidacy for chief justice of the Alabama Supreme Court. Her aristocratic Old South family, led by her judge grandfather, beams as she takes the podium. Then her eyes light on a reporter in the crowd…and suddenly her past becomes a threat to her future.
Journalist Cole McGaughan, religion reporter for the New York Daily Journal, has received an intriguing call from an old friend. Private investigator Matt Hogan has come across a tip…that Laurel's impeccable reputation might be a facade. Matt suggests that Cole dig up the dirt on the lovely judge in order to snag his dream job as one of the Journal's elite political reporters.
There's just one problem: Cole's history is entangles with Laurel's and he must decide if the story that could make his career is worth the price he'd have to pay.
A sensational scoop becomes a rollercoaster ride of emotions. Can Laurel and Cole find forgiveness and turn their hidden past into a hopeful future...while keeping their feelings off the record?
Monday, August 13, 2007
by Bonnie Calhoun
I had an absolutely fabulous time at the Greater Philadelphia Christian Writers conference. I saw a lot of old friend and made a lot of new ones. What a whirlwind! It will take me a month to decompress!
This is the fabulous energizer bunny Marlene Bagnall, our conference Director. My hat goes off to this wonderful woman and the job that she accomplishes every year!
This is a dear friend that I made last year, Dr. Ellen Zechman...LOL....I will never forget how she made Terry Whalin almost choke on his lunch last year, talking about the mirrors on the ceiling of her exam room!
My buddies! Wanda Dyson, the cool novelist on my left! She had a book featured on Oprah this spring. She's teaching me how to make a dynamite proposal! She has sold every book she ever wrote with JUST the proposal...including her first! On my left is my mirror self...Marjorie Vawter...WE both write for the same character, Sarah Wray, on Brandilyn Collin's, Scenes & Beans character blog! She's going to be my editor!
This adorable child...well 18 year-old young woman...is Hadassah Wilson! She is so absolutely cool! I just wanted to take her home with me! Her parents are below.
This is Mark and Kathi Wilson. They are the Conference Chaplains, and Kathi is a Psalmist, songwriter, and musician. Again these are people that you could talk to forever, and never run out of something to discuss...Love, love, love them!
This is my group of friends that I spent the most time with. From right to left...Frances Pasch, a dear and wonderful woman, who I pray for daily. Linda George...what a hoot, I miss her already! And Wayne Holmes...watch when shaving that mustache next time dude! LOL...it's a long story that Linda will never forget!!! :-)
Great new friend, member of my CFBA, and agent of Hartline Literary, Terry Burns! And he is never, ever without that famous hat!
Another new friend...Jeanette Windle...dynamic author of political thrillers, rep for Kregel Publications and missionary...she's been in over 30 countries!
This cutie was my roommate, Connie Willems. She's the editor of Discipleship Journal magazine....I bet she was glad to have the room to herself Saturday night after I left...LOL...at least she could get to sleep before 2 AM...LOL...I'm a night owl! She goes to sleep about the time I'm getting my second wind!
I can't say enough great things about this woman...Becky Spencer. She plays a mean piano...and sings too! She is a missionary to Swaziland in Africa, where the majority of the country is children orphaned by AIDS.
And this dolly is Joyce Moccero. What a hoot!! She is one of Marlene's right hands...yes, I say plural...Marlene needs them all!
This is Jonathan Friesen...LOL...I took the picture rather than stand next to him and look like a short, fat dwarf! He did an awesome devotion...You blew me away Jon! I didn't expect that you'd be that annointed!
This precious woman is Patricia Hickman. I can't share a lot about her work because it would put her in danger. But she works to free girls that have been kidnapped by sex slave traders.
This cute teenage looking girl is actually Shannon Hill, editor for WaterBrook. LOL...I had an appointment with her and was about to introduce myself, and she already knew who I was, because I have toured several of the books in her company catalog.
This bubbly person is Pam Perry. I met her last year, so we renewed a friendship. She's a very busy publicist!
My friend, mom of an autistic child, and Marlene's other right hand...tada! Pam Halter...way to go Pam!
This very special person is Gretchen Geyer....She's one of my CFBA members!! I was so blessed to get to meet her! I've got another member down below.
This is Chip MacGregor, agent extraordinaire! He's my friend Gina Holmes' agent...and the man that showed me the absolutely perfect first page for my novel! Thanks Chip!
This is my special new friend. I thought I was outgoing...Candy Abbott makes me look like an introvert!!! LOL!!
Yea! Another CFBA member...Mike Dellosa. He came to one of my workshops too! So he got to see how really crazy I am! :-)
And last, but by no means least...Mindy Starns Clark. She's a dynamite author of the Million Dollar Mystery series, and the Smart Chick myster series (helpful hints and homicides) and rep for Harvest house publishers...and she gave a very cool workshop that I'm going to use to flesh out the romantic thread in my novel!
The next couple of shots are from the main concorde for the conference. This leads into the Chatlos Chapel featured in several of the pictures.
And that's it...I'm back home *sigh* Now to decompress from all of this...until next year....What a rush! I have a video clip to put up, but I 've got to go play with Youtube to do that, so it will be sometime this week!
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
John grew up in Mississippi cotton country. After graduating from Mississippi State, he received an Air Force commission and has recently retired after flying twenty-eight years for a major airline. He lives in Texas with his wife, Nan.
ABOUT THE BOOK:AND IF I DIE is the third book in the Black and White Chronicles. The first was Abiding Darkness (August, 2006), the second was Wedgewood Grey (February, 2007).
In 1945, a spirit voice told Mr. A. J. Mason to “Be ready.”
In 1960, the spirit drew near and said the same words to the same man. “Be ready.”
On both occasions Mason ended up in bloody battles with the forces of evil. On both occasions, he saved the life of a young girl named Missy Parker. And on both occasions good people died.
It’s 1968.Missy Parker has been married to Dr. Patrick Patterson for nine years; they live in Denton, Texas. Missy plays tennis and golf; Pat is chairman of the philosophy department at North Texas State University.
Mose Washington, a black man Missy refers to as her almost-daddy, is hiding behind a new name—Mose Mann. Mose and the young black man who poses as his grandson have spent eight years successfully evading the FBI, a murderous congresswoman, and creatures from the demonic realm. They now live in Pilot Hill, Texas—fifteen miles from Pat and Missy. Mose is committing the autumn of his life to the pursuit of the knowledge of God and the protection of his “grandson”. His “grandson” is interested in honing his skills as a bull rider.
Close friends see portents of danger in events of the early summer and converge on Pilot Hill to warn the two black men that yet another confrontation with malevolent beings may be looming.
In the pre-dawn hours, on the second day of the North Texas Rodeo, the voice of an invisible being speaks to Missy Parker Patterson. The voice warns her that it is now she, not A. J. Mason, who has been chosen as the person who needs to “Be ready” . . . and Missy doesn’t want the job.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
by Bonnie Calhoun
I am so excited..Tomorrow I leave for Philadelphia!
Now what in the world do you suppose
cats, men and dogs have in common?
A lot! Really!
The Bad Stuff
All of them take up too much room on the bed.
All have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
None notice when you get a new hair do.
All refuse to help with the dishes.
All like dominance games.
None will tell you what's bothering them.
All are very direct about wanting to go out.
All are suspicious of the mailman.
The Good Stuff
All are trainable.
(takes a bit of effort though)
All are serious when they kiss you.
None care if you leave your clothes on the floor.
They all miss you when you are gone.
Time spent with them is never wasted.
They are all very intelligent.
(a little stretch here)
They all like attention.
(if you catch them in the right mood)
They all know how to relax.
Monday, August 06, 2007
by Bonnie Calhoun
Good Monday morning!! Posting will probably be sparce this week because I leave home on Wednesday morning to drive to Philadelphia where I am teaching two workshops at the Writers conference this week. I will try and groove on ya' from the conference, but I can't promise!
I would like to tell you about a very cool movement of sorts that I have joined. It's called Thumbs Up. See that cute little logo at the top of my left sidebar!!
This movement is accentuating an attitude of gratitude! That means...for example...Praise the Lord that I woke up today. Now don't laugh...I'm dead serious..uh, er...I mean, I'm NOT dead, serious.
At the age of 57, waking up is something I am seriously grateful for. I cock open one eye...and say, "Yep, I'm still here!" See my grandma went to bed one night, and never woke up again...it ruined the whole rest of her life.
I'm grateful that I'm getting an opportunity to teach two workshops at the Greater Philadelphia Christian Writers Conference this week. This will be a great time of learning and networking. And I will also be showing off my manuscript! So pray for me!
I'm also grateful to Rodney for starting this movement. I pray that it catched on virally and inundates the internet. How cool would it be for everyone to express an attitude of gratitude at least once a week!
Here...have a funny. Let's mull over the facts of life!!
On the first day God created the cow...
God said, "You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer...for that I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life, you want me to live for sixty years...let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."
On the second day, God created the dog...
God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past...I'll give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking... give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."
So God agreed.
On the third day God created the monkey... God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh... I'll give you a twenty year life span."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so...dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too."
And God agreed again.
Now on the fourth day, God created man...God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy...do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy... I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What...only twenty years? No way man, tell you what, I'll take my twenty...the forty cow gave back...the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back... that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal!"
So this is why...for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing...
The next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family...
The next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren...
The last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody...
Life has now been explained!
Thought For The Day