Sunday, December 31, 2006
I'd like to take a minute to recognize all those that have left us this year. Each one of them touched lives in a different way. They will all be missed. And I'm feeling kind of old this year because I knew everyone on this list!
Talk Show Host
Patricia Kennedy Lawford
Former U.S. Senator
Former Texas Governor
Conservationist, TV Star
Dana Reeve, (right)
Actress, Activist for Disabled
Coretta Scott King
Civil Rights Activist
38th President of USA
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Good Thursday. I'm still on vacation, so my blog visiting is hit and miss with all I'm trying to get done on my free time. I got this from my buddy Ric. It took me five minutes to stop howing in laughter. I don't know if this really happened on the Tonight Show....but it's good for
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman or man ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely NO question as to why her tale took the prize...
She said it was midwinter, snowing and quite cold, and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, UT. It was a day trip, not an overnighter. They were strangers, and after all, truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere. Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be on the front seat of his car!
He quickly stopped and she crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started to pee. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender! Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to
disengage her flesh from the icy metal!
It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold! Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the mom ent, she answered her date's concerns about "what's taking so long?" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in
need of some assistance!"
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing! She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they immediately assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender!
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down...or perhaps that should be "pants down."
And you thought YOUR first date was embarrassing?
Jay Leno's comment..."This gives a whole new meaning to being peed on!"
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Here I go, getting myself in trouble again, but sometimes you gotta' do what you gotta' do!
I got a few e-mails (the ones from last year know better *snort*) from people who have asked me why I did a post on Christmas but I don't do one on Kwanzaa, and they wanted to know why.
Well here's my answer...
I am a born-again, evangelical Christian. Christmas is the commemoration of the birthday of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
Kwanzaa, is a black-oriented holiday invented in 1966 by Dr. Maulana Karenga. On September 17, 1971, this same man was handed one to ten years in prison because of charges filed in 1970 where Karenga and two of his cohorts tortured two women that he accused of trying to kill him.
Karenga beat the women with an electrical cord and a karate baton after ordering them to strip naked. The one woman had a hot soldering iron put in her mouth and placed against her face. That not being sufficient torture, Kurenga also put detergent and running hoses in their mouths.
But ya' know who am I to throw stones...we all make mistakes...rightttttt!
Initially Kwanzaa developed because Karenga held a hostility toward Western religion. He wrote in his 1980 book, Kawaida Theory, "denies and diminishes human worth, capacity, potential and achievement. In Christian and Jewish mythology, humans are born in sin, cursed with mythical ancestors who've sinned and brought the wrath of an angry God on every generation's head."
He similarly opposed belief in God and other "spooks who threaten us if we don't worship them and demand we turn over our destiny and daily lives." Thus, Karenga explained in his 1977 Kwanzaa: Origin, Concepts, Practice, "Kwanzaa is not an imitation, but an alternative, in fact, an oppositional alternative to the spookism, mysticism and non-earth based practices which plague us as a people and encourage our withdrawal from social life rather than our bold confrontation with it."
The holiday "was chosen to give a Black alternative to the existing holiday and give Blacks an opportunity to celebrate themselves and history rather than simply imitate the practice of the dominant society."
Since then, the holiday has gained mainstream adherents, and Karenga has altered its justification so as not to alienate practicing Christians: "Kwanzaa was not created to give people an alternative to their own religion or religious holiday," he writes in Kwanzaa: A Celebration of Family, Community, and Culture, published in 1997.
So, would I as a Christian, American, black woman celebrate this, this Kwanzaa...not with a ten foot pole!
I know there will be people out there who get riled up by my comments.
Too bad...so sad!
Monday, December 25, 2006
The story of Christmas comes from the Bible. Here is the way it is told by Luke 2:7-16...
And she brought forth her first born son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.
And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone around about them; and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them,
"Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto to you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger."
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,
"Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men."
And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another,
"Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known to us."
And they came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger.
Friday, December 22, 2006
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Hey it's Thursday...one more day, one more day....I'm giving myself a vacation. When I close my store on Friday, I'm not opening it back up until January 2nd....Wahoooooo....happy vacation to me!
I got this in an email...You know...my favorite mode of transportation. The beginning of the story said that it is a true story....I don't know if it is or not, but it made me need tissues, so I thought that I would pass it on.
It did not happen to me!!!
I am a mother of three (ages 14, 12, 3) and have recently completed my college degree. The last class I had to take was Sociology. The teacher was absolutely inspiring with the qualities that I wish every human being had been graced with. Her last project of the term was called "Smile."
The class was asked to go out and smile at three people and document their reactions. I am a very friendly person and always smile at everyone and say hello anyway, so, I thought this would be a piece of cake, literally. Soon after we were assigned the project, my husband, youngest son, and I went out to McDonald's one crisp March morning.
It was just our way of sharing special playtime with our son. We were standing in line, waiting to be served, when all of a sudden everyone around us began to back away, and then even my husband did. I did not move an inch... An overwhelming feeling of panic welled up inside of me as I turned to see why they had moved. As I turned around I smelled a horrible "dirty body" smell, and there standing behind me were two poor homeless men.
As I looked down at the short gentleman, close to me, he was "smiling". His beautiful sky blue eyes were full of God's Light as he searched for acceptance. He said, "Good day" as he counted the few coins he had been clutching.
The second man fumbled with his hands as he stood behind his friend. I realized the second man was mentally challenged and the blue-eyed gentleman was his salvation. I held my tears as I stood there with them. The young lady at the counter asked him what they wanted.
He said, "Coffee is all Miss" because that was all they could afford. (If they wanted to sit in the restaurant and warm up, they had to buy something. He just wanted to be warm). Then I really felt it - the compulsion was so great I almost reached out and embraced the little man with the blue eyes.
That is when I noticed all eyes in the restaurant were set on me, judging my every action.. I smiled and asked the young lady behind the counter to give me two more breakfast meals on a separate tray.
I then walked around the corner to the table that the men had chosen as a resting spot. I put the tray on the table and laid my hand on the blue-eyed gentleman's cold hand. He looked up at me, with tears in his eyes, and said, "Thank you."
I leaned over, began to pat his hand and said, "I did not do this for you. God is here working through me to give you hope."
I started to cry as I walked away to join my husband and son. When I sat down my husband smiled at me and said, "That is why God gave you to me, Honey, to give me hope."
We held hands for a moment and at that time, we knew that only because of the Grace that we had been given were we able to give. We are not church goers, but we are believers. That day showed me the pure Light of God's sweet love I returned to college, on the last evening of class, with this story in hand.
I turned in "my project" and the instructor read it. Then she looked up at me and said, "Can I share this?"
I slowly nodded as she got the attention of the class. She began to read and that is when I knew that we as human beings and being part of God share this need to heal people and to be healed. In my own way I had touched the people at McDonald's, my husband, son, instructor, and every soul that shared the classroom on the last night I spent as a college student.
I graduated with one of the biggest lessons I would ever learn: UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE..
Much love and compassion is sent to each and every person who may read this and learn how to LOVE PEOPLE AND USE THINGS - NOT LOVE THINGS AND USE PEOPLE.
If you think this story has touched you in any way, please tell others about it, in this the most special time of the year.
A dear heart wrote:
Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart. To handle yourself, use your head. To handle others, use your heart.
God gives every bird it's food, but He does not throw it into its nest.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Okay...so everyone is harried and hopeless. There is still shopping that's not done. Presents that are not wrapped...traffic jams, crowded malls, grumpy shoppers...uh, er...LOL...I'm having the most pleasant of holidays...we only have grown adults in our family...so...WE DON'T DO PRESENTS!!! Thank you Jesus! I avoid the Mall like the plague, at this time of the year. And focus my energy on the Reason For The Season!
If you're spiritually alive, you're going to love this! If you're spiritually dead, you won't want to read it. If you're spiritually curious, there is still hope!
Why Go To Church?
A Church goer wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday. "I've gone for 30 years now," he wrote, "and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons. But for the life of me, I can't remember a single one of them. So, I think I'm wasting my time and the pastors are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all."
This started a real controversy in the "Letters to the Editor" column, much to the delight of the editor. It went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher:
"I've been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But, for the life of me, I cannot recall the entire menu for a single one of those meals. But I do know this...They all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife had not given me these meals, I would be physically dead today. Likewise, if I had not gone to church for nourishment, I would be spiritually dead today!" When you are DOWN to nothing...God is UP to something!
Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible! This is the season to thank God for our physical AND our spiritual nourishment!
All right, now that you're done reading, pass it around! I think everyone should read this! "When Satan is knocking at your door, simply say, "Jesus, could you get that for me?"
Monday, December 18, 2006
Well good Monday morning! I had an exciting Saturday in New York City. You might have read about the huge protest organized by Al Sharpton...well if you didn't *sigh* neither did we!!! LOL!
Our bus dropped us off on 7th between 34th and 33rd St, which is basically at the corner by Macy's. This protest traveled down 5th Avenue from 59th St and ended up...yep, you guessed it...in front of Macy's!
I have never seen so many police officers in my whole life....They were bringing them in by full bus loads! I got a lot of video!
I have seen this around the blogosphere. But I must admit the my friend Debbie...who went to NYC with me by the way....sent these tips to me! Christmas cheer to all!
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.
They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have SOME standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in
hand, totally worn out and screaming,
"WOO HOO what a ride!"
Friday, December 15, 2006
Hallelujah...it's Friday. I'm just about ready to kiss the ground! Hey I'm going to New York City on Saturday to do some shopping....watch out Miss Snark! LOL! Speaking of Miss Snark, Michael Hyatt, the CEO of Thomas Nelson has reopened the comments on the last post about the Nicene Creed and their authors.
Oh, and a word to my Beta Blogger friends....I CAN'T LOG ON TO YOUR BLOGS TO COMMENT!
Beta blogger is poop! Yikes did I say that...Yes I did....sheer frustration! Here's something funny for Christmas!
Christmas Carols for the Psychologically Challenged
1) Schizophrenia---- Do You Hear What I Hear, the Voices, the Voices?
2) Amnesia-- I Don't Remember If I'll Be Home For Christmas
3) Narcissistic-- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
4) Manic-- Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Streets And Stores And Office And Town And Cars And Buses And Trucks And Trees And Fire Hydrants And...........
5) Multiple Personality Disorder----We Three Kings Disoriented Are
6) Paranoid---Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Us
7) Borderline Personality Disorder--- You Better Watch Out, You Better not Shout, I'm Gonna Cry, and I'll Not Tell You Why
8) Full Personality Disorder--- Thoughts of Roasting You, On an Open Fire
9) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
10) Agoraphobia---I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House
11) Senile Dementia---Walking In a Winter Wonderland Miles from My House in My Slippers and Robe
12) Oppositional Defiant Disorder---I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, So I Burned Down the House
13) Social Anxiety Disorder---Have Your Self a Merry Little Christmas, While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate
14) Attention Deficit Disorder--We Wish You......Hey Look!! It's Snowing!!!
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Two South California guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday. "
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever," said the first guy proudly.
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" exclaimed the Judge.
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this,
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. He turned to the second guy. "And you, how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever," said the second guy with a broad smile.
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, "This is your butt hole before prison......"
Ohhh...ohhh...I'm so sorry! Uh, *snort*, no, I'm not...it's hysterically true!
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Good Tueday, we are getting closer and closer to Christmas...woohoo! I can't wait. This is like my favorite season of the whole year. Irregardless of the fact that is comes at a time of year when it is so cold that you could get moist body parts stuck to metal objects! Egads!
I just had to abscond with this cute little thing from my friend Joe, over at Joe's Jottings
A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Baryon suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , GermanyWithin seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with e-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy andSays, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government," says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows, this is a herd of sheep.
"Now give me back my dog."
Monday, December 11, 2006
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeers grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeers retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost!
Friday, December 08, 2006
Excuse my rantings, but I am tired of having everything 'christian' obliterated so as to not offend others.
We as Christians, have not tried to change the name of Hanukkah, or Ramaddan, or Kwanza or any other holiday for that matter. Could you imagine the worldwide outcry if we tried.
So then, why is it that people think they can change Christmas to make it all inclusive.
It is not all inclusive. It is the day we choose as a celebration of our Lord and Savior's birth....Jesus!
Last year I didn't shop at WalMart because they took the Christ out of Christmas. This year I've returned to their fold after their fiscally prudent change of heart. This year I will avoid Best Buy, Target, Costco and any other store that chooses to remove Jesus as the Reason for the Season!
To all those celebrating the day...Merry Christmas!
For the rest, that are offended by it...Merry Christmas!
Thursday, December 07, 2006
On Sunday, December 7th, 1941 the Japanese launched a surprise attack against the US Forces stationed at Pearl harbor, Hawaii. By planning his attack on a Sunday the Japanese commander Admiral Nagumo, hoped to catch the entire fleet in port.
As luck would have it, the Aircraft Carriers and one of the Battleships were not in port/ (The USS Enterprise was returning from Wake Island, where it had just delivered some aircraft. The USS Lexington was ferrying aircraft to Midway, and the USS Saratoga and USS Colorado were undergoing repairs in the United States.)
In spite of the latest intelligence reports about the missing aircraft carriers(his most important targets), Admiral Nagumo decided to continue the attack with his force of six carriers and 423 aircraft. At a range of 230 miles north of Oahu, he launched the first wave of a two-wave attack.
Beginning at 0600 hours his first wave consisted of 183 fighters and torpedo bombers which struck at the fleet in Pearl Harbor and the airfields in Hickam, Kaneohe and Ewa. The second strike, launched at 0715 hours, consisted of 167 aircraft, which again struck at the same targets.
At 0753 hours the first wave consisting of 40 Nakajima B5N2 "Kate" torpedp bombers, 51 Aichi D3A1 "Val": dive bombers, 50 high altitude bombers and 43 Zeros struck airfields and Pearl Harbor. Within the next hour, the second wave arrived and continued the attack. When it was over, the US losses were:
USA : 218 KIA, 364 WIA
USN : 2,008 KIA, 710 WIA
USMC : 109 KIA, 69 WIA
Civilians : 68 KIA, 35 WIA
TOTAL : 2,403 KIA, 1,178 WIA
USS Arizona (BB-39) – total loss when a bomb hit her magazine.
USS Oklahoma (BB-37) – total loss when she capsized and sank in the harbor.
USS California (BB-44) – sunk at her berth. Later raised and repaired.
USS West Virginia (BB-48) – sunk at her berth. Later raised and repaired.
USS Nevada (BB-36) – beached to prevent sinking. Later repaired.
USS Pennsylvania (BB-38) – light damage.
USS Maryland (BB-46) – light damage.
USS Tennessee (BB-43) – light damage.
USS Utah (AG-16) – (formerly battleship used as a target) – sunk.
USS New Orleans (CA-32) – light damage.
USS San Francisco (CA-38) – light damage.
USS Detroit (CL-8) – light damage.
USS Raleigh (CL-7) – heavily damaged but repaired.
USS Helena (CL-50) – light damage.
USS Honolulu (CL-48) – light damage
USS Downes (DD-375) – destroyed. Parts salvaged.
USS Cassin (DD-372) – destroyed. Parts salvaged.
USS Shaw (DD-373) – very heavy damage.
USS Helm (DD-388) – light damage.
USS Ogala (CM-4) – sunk but later raised and repaired.
USS Curtiss (AV-4) – severely damaged but later repaired.
USS Vestal (AR-4) – severely damaged but later repaired.
USS Sotoyomo (YT-9) – sunk but later raised and repaired.
188 Aircraft destroyed (92 USN and 92 US Army Air Corps.)
Taken from Snopes.com
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Sue Dent was born and raised in Jackson, Mississippi and currently resides in Ridgeland. When not writing, Sue designs websites and works with digital photograpy.
Sue loves to hear from her fans through her Website in fact, the push from eager readers has already set the ball rolling, and she's hard at work on Forever Richard, the sequel.
In Never Ceese, Sue sets out to prove that faith and fun can live happily in the same story, and that vampire/werewolf fantasy can have a spiritual message too.
ABOUT THE BOOK:
Never Ceese takes religious fantasy to a new level, bringing an entirely new Light to a very dark side of fiction, doing a very admirable job to prove that vampire/werewolf fantasy does not have to be evil to be enjoyed.
The story starts with the classic tale of an English manor owned by Richard, the vampire who righteously is the bain of his neighbor's existence, what with the missing goats and all!
Then enters Cecelia, better known as Ceese, the young werewolf maiden who's arrived via invitation by Richard's aging companion, Penelope.
Ceese and Richard would prefer to tear each other apart, literally, but they are drawn together by their mutual love for Penelope. She is dying and has one request...that the two of them love one another.
This is the overall theme throughout Dent's interesting tale of two who were wronged but learn to work together. Meanwhile they are threatened by an evil stem cell researcher who wants the immortality and power that he thinks their blood will bring him!
Dent's characters do differ from the stock one's we're all accustomed to in a very important way. They are not mindless, brutal killers. Bloodthirsty, yes, but they are constantly resisting the urge to kill, and, thus, curse another human. Feeding on rodents, goats, virtually any warm-blooded animal helps to satiate the never ending thirst for blood, but how long will they be able to resist that most delicious morsel man?
There is a chance that their curses can actually be lifted if they can find the strength within to resist their selfish natures and act selflessly toward another. Will they succeed? That same basic choice lies before us all every day...
A vampire and a werewolf, one determined to, once again, be able to acknowledge what will get her to heaven, the other no so sure he can. A spiritual fantasy designed to spark the imagination, to speak to the heart as well as entertain.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Hey, good Tuesday....Are you glad you all woke up? I'll tell ya', my grandma went to sleep one night and never woke up again...hrump! Messed up all her plans for the rest of her life!
My friend Bernita did a post on Sunday about Peppy LaPue and other assorted country creatures, and it brought back a hysterical memory of my husband and his up close and personal experience with a baby skunk...ROFLOL...reprinted without the permission of my DH!
THIS IS A TRUE STORY THAT HAPPENED AT MY HOUSE!
Living in the country has its share of pros and cons. The best pros are the animal stories that have happened to me over the years. This first story, happily didn't happen to me but to my hapless, bleary-eyed husband, Bob.
His regular routine consisted of getting of getting up at 3:20 AM. (His favorite time because that way he'd leave the house for town by 4:30, just before the mass exodus of the psycholinguistically challenged members of our country community, the ones who don't understand the phrase, "Don't tailgate!"
Well anyhow....this particular morning, with sleep fogging his eyes and the sugar plum fairies still dancing in his head (well it is getting close to Christmas) he herded our two dogs out the basement door and around the house to the dog-run.
More than once, for various reasons, including stepping in a new chipmunk hole (those little buggers have no decorum on where they build, and trust me when I say they are not as pleasant as Chip and Dale let on to be) I had implored Bob to carry a flashlight.
Well, this morning he was carrying it, but had not turned it on. Something that I consider a novel change of pace. Hey why not trip around in the dark...pushing that little button is way too much work! But what do I know. I'm only a lowly woman. The female of the species usually TURN ON a flashlight if we're carrying one. But like I said, what do I know.
On the way to the dog-run both Brea and Maxi (one Akita-Husky and the other Collie-Shepherd) deserted him. In his sleepy-time, he just figured they were trying to annoy him because they didn't like being awake either.
He got to the dog-run, opened the gate, and the dogs wouldn't go in. They decided to do a wide circle around my husband, which at that hour of the morning is not a way to win friends or influence people. He stood there with the gate open and yelled. They cowered under the apple tree. He yelled again. They relented and ran into the dog-run, with both of them darting immediately into the left of the two side-by side doghouses.
Now this got Bob's attention, and low and behold he turned on the flashlight. (wonder upon wonders...not a creature was stirring...except...) As the beam of light crossed the doghouses, the right house caught his attention. There...peering out of the dog house was a baby skunk. It had gone into the run while Bob was holding the gate open and jumping up and down at the dogs.
The light drew the little creature out of the house and over to the gate. Meanwhile, my two watchdogs cowered in fear, squashed into a doghouse big enough for only one of them. Bob opened the gate as the miniature Peppy LaPue approached, figuring it would scurry off to tell momma how it had followed the light.
The only problem was...it continued to follow the light. Bob, now fearing that he would run into more of the brood, kept the light on. Peppy must have watched one of those Poltergeist movies, where the little scary lady said, "Go into the light." Bob starts around the dog-run with Peppy in hot pursuit. The faster Bob goes, the faster Peppy trots. (I swear he thought Bob was his mommy). Well Bob got far enough around the dog-run and attached shed, that he lost sight of Peppy. Figuring the little fellow has given up, Bob heads back around to the house...Mwhahahaha...sadistic cackle...
Peppy...scared...tail raised...you get the picture...right on Bob's chest. Thank God the thing was little, it's aim was low.
And I...nestled all snug in my bed, while visions of blog fairies, danced in my head. I woke to Bob standing in the double doors to our room yelling, "Bonnie!" I, half-comatose, turned my head in his direction to ask, "What," and was smacked in the face by the most putrid and rank olfactory sensation I had ever been forced to inhale! I hid my face in the pillow as he sheepishly asked me what he could do because he had to go to work.
Fast on my feet as I am (believe me when that smell is invading your house, your little feet sprout wings.) I jumped into action. I tore open the shutters and threw up the sash. (not really, I just opened the window, but it sounded good). The only thing I could think of was Fabreeze. You know the odor remover! I sprayed him down, while holding my nose. He took a shower. The smell was gone.
Now I was so pleased with myself that I called the 800 number on the Fabreeze bottle to tell them of my new discovery. The poor man on the other end of the phone was silent for several seconds before stating, "Ma'am we don't recommend using it on humans. We haven't tested it on people."
Hey, ya' know, I always say, "Any port in a storm!"
Fabreeze did send me $50 worth of coupons......So I stocked up! Just in case
Monday, December 04, 2006
Gooooood Monday! And for all of my friends in Texas, Chicago, and St. Louis....I'm sorry, but I'm glad it wasn't us! Hope you are all safe...and warm!
And a notable passing...Joe Palmer, one of the last Navajo Code Talkers from WWII has died in Tucson at the age of 84. As a Marine in WWII, Palmer and 28 other Code Talkers used their native language to transmit military messages on enemy tactics. According to the Naval Historical Center in Washington D.C., The Navajo Code Talkers took part in every assault the Marines conducted in the Pacific from 1942 to 1945. Their work was impossible for the enemy to decode.
My hat's off to this courage band of souls!
And now for a little jockularity...also involving a Marine!
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine" explained.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
Friday, December 01, 2006
and his latest book:
Bryan Davis is the author of the four book Dragons in Our Midst series, a contemporary/fantasy blend for young people. The first book, Raising Dragons, was released in July of 2004. The second book, The Candlestone, followed in October. Circles of Seven debuted in April of 2005, followed in November by Tears of a Dragon.
Bryan is the author of several other works including The Image of a Father (AMG) and Spit and Polish for Husbands (AMG), and four books in the Arch Books series: The Story of Jesus’ Baptism and Temptation, The Day Jesus Died, The Story of the Empty Tomb (over 100,000 sold), and Jacob’s Dream. Bryan lives in Winter Park, Florida with his wife, Susie, and their children. Bryan and Susie have homeschooled their four girls and three boys.
To read more about Bryan and his books, visit the Dragons in our Midst Website or visit Bryan's blog.
Eye of the Oracle
by Bryan Davis
To read the first chapter, go HERE
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Whoa...It's Thursday already! Sheesh! I'm not even done with the things I should have gotten done on Monday. I want a recount...LOL...Or at least a few more hours in a day!
I know...Stop throwing things at me. So I've got a death wish. Don't blame it on me. Blame it on my computer...Hey I like that. Yea, it's my computer's fault> I only have dial-up so I don't get to work at light speed like all of you who use the DSL at work.
Hey check out the new magazine on my right sidebar, Christian Women Online...Just click on the cover. It will take you to the website.
Well the ladies aught to like this little funny, courtesy of my friend Ric Marion.
With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65-year-old woman was
able to give birth to a baby recently.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came
to visit. They asked, "May we see the baby?"
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.
"WHEN HE CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he CRIES??"
"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put him..."
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Christian parents are finally offered a true Potter alternative...All the adventure of Harry Potter...None of the sorcery!
This week the Christian Fiction Blog Alliance is doing a blog tour for Landon Snow and The Island of Arcanum by R.K.Mortenson, published by Barbour Publishing (October 2006).
About the AUTHOR:
R.K.Mortenson is an ordained minister with the Church of the Lutheran Brethren. He has been writing devotional and inspirational articles since 1995. He currently serves as a navy chaplain in Florida and lives with his wife, daughter and son in Jacksonville.
This page at Barbour's site provides a few good links, two as recent as last week: http://www.barbourbooks.com/author/detail/r-k-mortenson/. The top link there goes to a story about Randy's adoption experiences, the second link goes to the Landon Snow short at Clubhouse magazine.
Randy got the idea for this series one late night, when flute music woke him from a sound sleep. As he stood at his window, trying to locate the source of the sound, he spied a library across the lawn. Suddenly, he envisioned an eleven-year-old sneaking out of his bed and stealing to the library in the dead of night...And thus Landon Snow was born.
In the latest adventure of Landon Snow And the Island of Arcanum, Landon, once again visits his grandparents in Button Up, Minnesota. If your familiar with the first two books, Landon Snow and the Auctor's Riddle, and Landon Snow and The Shadows of Malus Quidam, you'll know that Landon's adventures always start at the Library in Button Up.
This time, Landon's most dangerous journey yet, begins in a rowboat-shaped tombstone that floats. And it's lucky for him that it floats because a few drips from the library ceiling turns into a powerful waterfall.
The stone turns into wood. The stone book propped up in the prow of the boat turns to paper. The left page says "ANCHOR". The right page says "AWEIGH".
"Anchor aweigh?" said Landon.
Holly whispered, "Did you hear that?"
No one has time to respond, however. The next instant saw the water before them dropping away as the water behind them grew into a giant swell, pitching them headlong into the abyss.
Landon will have to protect his two younger sisters, Holly and Bridget, who wind up in the boat with him headed towards The Island of Arcanum. On the Island, the animals of Wonderwood are imprisoned and the evil shadows of Landon's nemesis, Malus Quidam lurk!
With the help of some old friends, a horse named Melech, an odd fellow named Hardy, a girl named Ditty, and the poet/prophet Vates--Landon seeks to unlock the island's dark secrets and escape with the animals intact.
But first, he must navigate his way through unchartered waters and battle the villainous Archans...Can Landon and his friends rescue the animals from deep within the island's stronghold?
My personal opinion of these books is that I just love them. The premise is good for kids. There's all that fantasy excitement that kids love, but with none of the magic or sorcery that christian parents try so hard to keep their children away from.
The stories are great fun...LOL...I even found myself cheering for Landon...Good job, Randy!
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Good Tuesday! Everything is pretty quiet out there in the Blogoshere. My friends in Washington state seem to be having a touch of snow...LOL...egads! Sorry guys, we'll get our own dousing soon enough!
This little bit of fun, I procurred from my friend Joe over at Joe's Jottings. LOL...I'll let you figure out how it works!
A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons.
The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth.
The three sons, seeing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue.
The uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule, and drove out to settle the matter.
He added his mule to the 17, making 18.
The eldest son then got one-half, or nine.
The second eldest got one-third, or six.
The youngest got one-ninth,or two.
Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17.
The uncle hitched up his mule and drove home!
Monday, November 27, 2006
Well good Monday! I hope everyone had a great holiday weekend, ate too much turkey, took too many naps, and generally had so much fun that you hated to go back to work today.
Since, in most cases, the woman of the house did the cooking this holiday, you guys aught to take heed to the following passage!
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when
all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own
hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license
in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!
They are all rated in one of the following four categories.
What's for dinner?
Can I help you with dinner?
Where would you like to go for dinner?
Here, have some wine.
Are you wearing that?
Wow, you sure look good in brown!
WOW! Look at you!
Here, have some wine
What are you so worked up about?
Could we be overreacting?
Here's my paycheck.
Here, have some wine.
Should you be eating that?
You know, there are a lot of apples left.
Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
Here, have some wine.
What did you DO all day?
I hope you didn't over-do it today.
I've always loved you in that robe!
Here, have some more wine.
12 Things PMS Stands For:
1 Pass My Shotgun
2 Psychotic Mood Shift
3 Perpetual Munching Spree
4 Puffy Mid-Section
5 People Make me Sick
6 Provide Me with Sweets
7 Pardon My Sobbing
8 Pimples May Surface
9 Pass My Sweatpants
10. Plainly; Men Suck
11. Pack My Stuff
12. Potential Murder Suspect
Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh
...Or men who need a warning.
And remember: Money talks .... but Chocolate SINGS!!!
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Kristin Billerbeck was born in Redwood City, California. She went to San Jose State University and majored in Advertising, then worked at the Fairmont Hotel in PR, a small ad agency as an account exec, and then,
she was thrust into the exciting world of shopping mall marketing. She got married, had four kids, and started writing romance novels until she found her passion: Chick Lit.
ABOUT THE BOOK:
Calm, Cool, and Adjusted is the third book in the Spa Girls Novels.
Billerbeck did a great job with the characterization of Poppy, a quirky Christian chiropractor who is a health nut. I'm talking real NUT. She is so obsessed with health that she forgets about living. When she finally realizes that she is over the edge obsessed, she doesn't know how to stop herself.
Best friends since Johnny Depp wore scissors for hands, "The Spa Girls" live very separate lives, but stay in touch with routine visits to California's Spa Del Mar.
The third novel in the Spa Girls Series focuses on Silicon Valley chiropractor Poppy Clayton, who is as calm, cool and adjusted as they come. Or is she? Known for her bad fashion sense, a love for all things natural and the inability to get a second date, Poppy is beginning to wonder if she might be misaligned herself. Her route to self discovery will be an unnatural one - a plastic surgeon, a dilapidated house in Santa Cruz, a flirtatious client, and a blind date from the dark side.
It's all enough to send a girl - and her gal pals - running for the comfort zone of their spa.
Hey...it's Wednesday! That work day of the week for me. I gave myself the rest of the week off! Well tomorrow is Turkey Day, which brings two things to mind. Number one...I am truly thankful for my church family, my hometown friends, my blogging friends, and my Lord Jesus!
Then on another note, it brings the second thing to mind...turkey...LOL...and not the feather plucking kind. Nope, I'm not going to give him a link by mentioning his name.
These words I'm borrowing from Sarah Nelson's editorial entitled The Peoples Choice, "It used to be that publishing declared its morality, its values, its world view by the books it chose to publish. Now, it seems, the business declares itself by what it refuses to publish...I admit it's a weird turnaround. But, hey, I'll take it."
Progressing With Time...
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
Four Catholic Ladies...
Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, the people call him 'Your Grace'."
This third Catholic crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."
Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" And she said "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2" hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh, my God..."
And last but not least...
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?? Two mothers-in-law.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "My God, I wish I had your willpower."
The last fight was my fault! My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months? I don't like to interrupt her.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Good Tuesday, and with the developments of yesterday, it is definitely a good day. That abominable book is no more...Praise the Lord! But Charlie Rangel is still on the loose! LOL!
Here's some really cute shorts!A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."
On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it."
During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!' "
A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7".
I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"
Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?" I said, "God tells me." Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?"
After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
Monday, November 20, 2006
Well good Monday morning. I feel like I've been gone for a month...LOL...Blogger hated me last week! After losing several posts I decided to be kind to my laptop and quit...while IT was ahead.
Well in the news....that disgusting book by that disgusting person that killed two people and got away with it! I won't mention his name because I don't want Google using me to give him any more publicity!
And the latest...the incoming chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, Democratic Rep. Charles Rangel is going to introduce a bill to bring back the draft!
All I can say is congrats to all who put the Dems in power...LOL...now explain this one!!!! My momma always said, "Be careful what you wish for 'cause you just might get it!"
Here's the funny for the day:
Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God’s "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.
Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time", that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child."
In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily."
Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men". Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.
Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal.
In recent months, Beelzebub’s investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God’s political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.
If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God’s career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers.
Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses.
Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.
LOL...I don't write 'em. I just copy 'em!
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Hey...good Thursday...I feel like I haven't talked all week...Blogger hated me Tuesday, and I lost it...the post that is! I've found a new source of material for jockularity...enjoy as we coast into the weekend!
In the Beginning...
In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.
And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.
And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth. And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMO's.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Scoop is a delightful laugh out-loud funny story about 20 year old Hayden Hazard, who is one of seven siblings in a clown family. Her parents die in a freak accident and Hyden decides to take a job at Channel 7, as the assistant to the news producer.
This homeschooled, sheltered girl is thrown into the world of an egomaniacal weatherman, an aging newscaster, who has gone overboard with the Botox and no matter how tragic the story, announces it with a frozen grin, and the reporter who has taken a liking to Hayden and is assualted on the air while doing a story on pig zoning.
Somehow this little station has blundered onto a significant story, and with Hayden praying in the workplace and annoying her boss, this turns into a great romantic comedy!
"Scoop opens with an absolutely terrible pun... and it's all downhill from there. Well, I suppose that depends on how you describe "downhill." If you're talking about quality, humor and enjoyment, then this book goes steadily UPhill."
-----Tim Frankovich "ChristianFictionReview.com"
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Rene Gutteridge is the author of several novels, including Ghost Writer (Bethany House Publishers) The Boo Series (WaterBrook Press) and the Storm Series, (Tyndale House Publishers. She will release three novels in 2006: Storm Surge (Tyndale) My Life as a Doormat (WestBow Press, Women of Faith)Occupational Hazards Book #1: Scoop (WaterBrook Press).
She has also been published over thirty times as a playwright, best known for her Christian comedy sketches. She studied screenwriting under a Mass Communications degree, graduating Magna Cum Laude from Oklahoma City University, and earned the "Excellence in Mass Communication" award. She served as the full-time Director of Drama for First United Methodist Church for five years before leaving to stay home and write. She enjoys instructing at writer's conferences and in college classrooms. She lives with her husband, Sean, a musician, and their children in Oklahoma City.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Good Monday to ya' all! I hope everyone had a great weekend, and if you didn't...there's always next weekend!
I could not pass up this list. It made me snort coffee! I procured this from my blogging friend Dennie McDonald! God bless her mom!
Amazingly simple home remedies
(these are funnies - PLEASE DO NOT ATTEMPT !!!- BLOGGER DENNIE OR BONNIE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR DAMAGE TO ONE'S PERSON )
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
Thoughts for the day: If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance, so be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bed pan.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Friday, November 10, 2006
Hey go checkout the interview Jessica Dotta did with me over at Novel Journey for the CFBA!
Wahoo! I made it to Friday. What with all the election hoopla, this week just flew by. Alas another week of my life gone...never to be reclaimed! *sigh* I aught to make movies, so that I know what I do all week. Alas, I'd probably ask for my money back!
Alert....cover the keyboard!
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in Church beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know,he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Good Wednesday...well the election mud-slinging is all done for another two years. I vote...it makes me feel good to exercise my right...the people have spoken...is anything going to change? NO, it isn't!
Why you might ask? Because the Democrats won't change much of anything, including the war, and they will blame their inability to "fix" the problem on what the Republicans did. Then the country will elect a new President, who will blame the last administration for all the problems they inherited and their inability to fix them.
They will stay in power for the next eight years...unless they really mess up. By that time the country will be tired of them and change parties again...and the new administration will blame all the problems they inherit and their lack of ability to fix them on the last administration....are you seeing a pattern here!
Here's something to laugh about! Check out the joke!
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood.
On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.
They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."
The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill.
The neighborhood men could not believe their noses!
WHAT WAS GOING ON?
They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent?
The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
If you like blogging...which you must if you are reading this...you will think this book is blogarific. After each chapter, there is a blog entry. The book is written in first person and contains some hilarious blog antics.
Imagine that you are an anonymous blogger, one who uses a silly name instead of your own, then imagine blogging about your work. Now imagine blogging about your cubicle mate of the opposite sex and calling him by an anonymous name.
I know some who have done just that.
But now imagine that your cubicle mate has discovered your blog and begins to read it out loud to you. EVERY MORNING.
The Cubicle Next Door is set in a civilian's view of working on a military post. That in itself is funny enough...then add that the main character is a tree hugging, anti-SUV lover, with a thing for Bollywood movies. (Her favorite it Bride & Prejudice.) Suddenly this civilian hippie is thrown into a cubicle next to an Air Force Pilot/Teacher who drives...yep...an SUV. Can't you feel the love?
Also, The Cubicle Next Door has some wonderful moments of self discovery.
A delightful read...here is an excerpt for you:
The Cubicle Next Door
by Siri L. Mitchell Released Aug 06
Excerpt from Chapter 1:
“So what do you think, Jackie?”
What do I think? Funny Joe should ask me that. He’s just finished reading my blog. He’s just quoted me to myself. Or is it myself to me? Do I sound surreal, as if I’m living in parallel universes?
The blog—my blog—is all about Joe. And other topics that make me want to scream. But the clever thing is, I’m anonymous. When I’m blogging.
I’m Jackie, Joe’s cubicle-mate when I’m not.
And that’s the problem.
Joe is asking Jackie (me) what I think about the Mystery Blogger (also me). And since I don’t want Joe to know the blog is all about me and what I think of him, I can’t tell him what I think about me.
My brain is starting to short circuit.
So if I can’t tell him what I think about me, I certainly can’t tell him what I think about him, so I’m going to have to pretend not to be me. Not me myself and not me The Cubicle Next Door Blogger—TCND to my fans.
I have fans!
If I were clever I’d say something like, “Look!” and point behind him and then duck out of the room when he turned around to look.
But there’s so much computer equipment stacked around my desk and so many cables snaking around the floor that I’d break my neck if I tried to run away. So that option is out.
I could try pretending I didn’t hear him. “What?”
“SUVs. So what do you think about them?”
But then we’d basically end up back where we started.
So how did I get myself into this mess?
It was all Joe’s fault.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
It's Tuesday...GO VOTE!!!!
This joke made me laugh out loud!
A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to him.
At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin.
After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling.
"I`ve been a little sick to my stomach," she replied.
"Well," said the older physician, "you`ve probably been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don`t you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps."
As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly.
"You didn`t even examine that woman," the younger doctor stated.
"I didn`t have to," the elder physician explain. "You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill."
"That`s pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor. "Do you mind if I try it at the next house?"
"I don`t suppose it could hurt anything," the elder physician replied.
At the next house, the two doctors visited with an elderly widow. They spent several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the latest church bulletin.
After several minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been feeling lately.
"I`ve felt terribly run down lately," the widow replied. "I just don`t have as much energy as I used to."
"You`ve probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor suggested without even examining his patient. "Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder physician said, "Your diagnosis is probably right, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?"
"Sure," replied the younger doctor. "Just like you, I dropped my stethoscope on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I looked around and there was the preacher hiding under the bed!"
Monday, November 06, 2006
Good Monday morning!
Calling all writers. Check it out. Terry Whalin of the Writing Life has created a Daily Writing Tip. You can copy the code into your sidebar and have a new writing tip everyday. Try it, you'll like it!
It's right there in my left sidebar. Just click where it says "Add this to your website!"
Didn't find a joke I liked and it's late...okay so I did find one...
An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City office building.
A young and beautiful woman, smelling like expensive perfume, gets into the elevator. She turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
A couple of floors later, another young and beautiful woman, smelling like expensive perfume, gets into the elevator. She turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
Three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination. As she exits the elevator, she peers at both women, bends over and farts, then bellows, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"
LOL...sorry about that!
Friday, November 03, 2006
We made it...it's TGIF...(Thank God It's Friday) Have a great and safe weekend! Let's try another lawyer joke!
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell...that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Good Thursday! It is snowing here in upstate New York as I write this...Sigh...'tis the season. LOL...here's a picture of a little note that our boys in Iraq sent to John Kerry after the joke debacle...sheesh that guy knows how to get himself "not elected" even when he isn't running!
And since I'm an equal opportunity basher, here's one for my lawyer friends! LOL!
One afternoon, a well-to-do lawyer was riding in his shiny limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate the situation.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We HAVE TO EAT GRASS!"
The lawyer then said, "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you!"
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he said, "You come with us, too."
The second man said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"
"Bring them all!" the lawyer answered. They all jammed into the huge limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
Genuinely touched, the lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really
love my place, the grass is almost a foot high!"