Monday, December 21, 2009

Christmas Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it.. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand and wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Have a great and Merry Christmas !!!

by Bonnie Calhoun


  1. Laura Frantz said...
    Merry Christms to you, Bonnie! I agree (and am chuckling) with the carrot sticks and egg nog and all the rest. I'm really thankful for you and all you do for the writing world. You bless a great many people. May you be blessed!
    Laura Frantz said...
    Of course I had to leave a typo in my comment! Grrrr. Merry CHRISTMAS, anyway:)
    talia said...
    Best. Holiday. Eating. Tip. EVER! Eww to the carrots BUT I would have no trouble gobbling some green olives. Egg nog is one of my holiday faves, just can't stomach the run, sooooo, at this time of year if I feel the want to tipple a little I go in for the cream liqueurs. YUM!
    Georgiana Daniels said...
    HAHA, that's hilarious! It's all about the mashed potatoes--mine are doused with sour cream and cream cheese--nothing skim about those!
    Susan Hollaway said...
    I LOVED your post, Bonnie! You're a hoot! I'm not an egg-nog, wine, or mashed potato lover, but there's plenty of other things I would have loved to have sampled. Alas, we were snowed in at home on Christmas and couldn't go to our extended family's gathering. I still managed to get into a little calorie trouble though with what I managed to fix at home for our Christmas dinner. However, New Year's Eve is around the corner and there's usually all kinds of food available for that celebration. Maybe I won't be counting Weight Watcher points that day. =)
    Angie Vik said...
    I thoroughly enjoyed your post and will remember these tips the next time I'm invited to a holiday party. Totally agree on the eggnog. Why is it only sold during the holidays? I should probably get to the store and stock up.

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