Wednesday, August 24, 2011
1. I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
2. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
3. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
4. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
5. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
6. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
7. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
8. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our troops.
9. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
10. I no longer eat prepackaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay.
11. I no longer go to bars because someone will drug me and take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
12. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to 7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.
13. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who has been dying for the past seven years.
14. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.