Saturday, July 29, 2006

Hog Farming


TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture, Washington, D.C

Dear Sir,

I have been evacuated from New Orleans because the flood took my old trailer and beat up car. I thought I might go into business to supplement my welfare check.

My friend over at Wells, Iowa received a check for $1,000 from the Government for not raising hogs. Right now I'm getting extra help from the government and Red Cross while I'm displaced but when that stops I want to go into the "not-raising-hogs" business.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very happy about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs. If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that too. In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.

Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,
Ima Taker


  1. Steve G said...
    I love it. If I could get the publishers to pay me for not writing Novels that would be super. I think I could refrain from writing about five a year.
    Elizabeth said...
    Amazing. Do you think they'd pay me for NOT going to my day job? After all, I'm adding to global warming each time I make my morning commute. Never mind the number of trees I kill with the swarms of paper my work generates.

    Hmm...Bonnie, I think you're on to something!
    Stephen Newton said...
    Hey Bonnie, Are you familiar with teh Christian writer Anne Lemott? She wrote Tender Mercies and a book for writers called Bird by Bird.
    Joe said...
    I, for one, am not going to raise hogs, grow corn, work at a power plant, fly commercial airplanes, dig ditches, or host a morning network TV show.

    No doubt I will be a millionaire at taxpayer expense in no time!
    Ballpoint Wren said...
    Funny, Bonnie! We could also get some checks for not raising milk cows, too.
    M. G. Tarquini said...
    I want to get paid for not buying a gas guzzling car, for not losing weight and for not eating all the Pringles. Wonder how much I can get out of them for not filing my taxes on the earnings?
    Sandra Ruttan said...
    I wanna get paid for not doing housework - grin!
    Bonnie Calhoun said...
    Stephen, I am not familiar with that writer, but I will look her up!

    I wanna get paid for not getting out of my pajamas! ROFLOL
    Mirtika said...
    ~Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that too. ~

    What is sad is this ain't that far from the truth.

    Will writers get paid for NOT writing? :)

    Mir--happy to be paid for just reading all day
    Dana Y. T. Lin said...
    Hey, I'm with Sandra!
    M. C. Pearson said...
    Will I get paid for not getting published or finding an agent?

    Love it, Bonnie!
    Crystal said...
    Umm...yeah. I don't raise hogs either. Where's my money?

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