by Bonnie Calhoun

I got this from a friend and it's about my home state. I almost cried, I was laughing so hard!

Dear Diary:

Aug. 12 -

Moved into my new home in Upstate NY. It is so beautiful here. The hills and river valleys are so picturesque. I have a beautiful old oak tree in my front yard. Can hardly wait to see the change in the seasons. This is truly God's Country.

Oct. 14 –

New York is such a gorgeous place to live, one of the real special places on Earth. The leaves are turning a multitude of different colors. I love all of the shades of reds, oranges and yellows, they are so bright. I want to walk through all of the beautiful hills and spot some deer. They are so graceful, certainly they must be the most peaceful creatures on Earth. This must be paradise.

Nov. 11 -

Deer season opens this week. I can't imagine why anyone would want to shoot these elegant animals. They are the very symbol of peace and tranquility here in New York. I hope it snows soon. I love it here!

Dec. 2 -

It snowed last night. I woke to the usual wonderful sight: everything covered in a beautiful blanket of white. The oak tree is magnificent. It looks like a postcard. We went out and swept the snow from the steps and driveway. The air is so crisp, clean and refreshing. We had a snowball fight. I won, and the snowplow came down the street. He must have gotten too close to the driveway because we had to go out and shovel the end of the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Nature in harmony. I love it here!

Dec. 12 -

More snow last night. I love it! The plow did his cute little trick again. What a rascal. A winter wonderland. I love it here.

Dec. 19 -

More snow - couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work in time. I'm exhausted from all of the shoveling. And that snowplow!

Dec. 21 -

More of that white crap coming down. I've got blisters on my hands and a kink in my back. I think that the snowplow driver waits around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Turkey

Dec. 25 -

White Christmas? More freakin' snow. If I ever get my hands on the SOB who drives that snowplow, I swear I'll castrate him. And why don't they use more salt on these roads to melt this crap??

Dec. 28 -

It hasn't stopped snowing since Christmas. I have been inside since then, except of course when that SOB "Snowplow Harry" comes by. Can't go anywhere, cars are buried up to the windows. Weather man says to expect another 10 inches. Do you have any idea how many shovelfuls 10 inches is??

Jan. 1 -

Happy New Year? The way it's coming down it won't melt until the 4th of July! The snowplow got stuck down the road and the shit head actually had the balls to come and ask to borrow a shovel! I told him I'd broken 6 already this season.

Jan. 4 -

Finally got out of the house. We went to the store to get some food and a goddamn deer ran out in front of my car and I hit the b******d It did $3,000 in damage to the car. Those beasts ought to be killed. The hunters should have a longer season if you ask me.

Jan. 27 -

Warmed up a little and rained today. The rain turned the snow into ice and the weight of it broke the main limb of the oak tree in the front yard and it went through the roof. I should have cut that old piece of crap into fireplace wood when I had the chance.

May 23 -

Took my car to the local garage. Would you believe the whole underside of the car is rusted away from all of that damn salt they dump on the road? Car looks like a bashed up, heap of rusted cow crap.

May 10 -

Sold the car, the house, and moved to Arizona. I can't imagine why anyone in their freakin' mind would ever want to live in the God forsaken State of New York!