Friday, May 18, 2007

It has been one of those weeks. Too much caffeine, although not much coffee-shooting....completed the work on my full manuscript, but only after throwing myself onto the carpet (not the wood floor) repeatedly screaming, "I'm not ready!"

And reading...In my case, reading can be hazardous to my health!

Now that's sort of an oxymoron...or maybe I'm just a moron...LOL...But I created this contract with myself. I MUST EXERCISE. Now if I was like Oprah, and could hire a trainer to get my butt off the couch that would be a good thing. But alas and alack, she has not deemed it profitable to share with those of us who are not related to her. (Hmph...imagine that!)

Well, anyhow...I digress. My contract with myself says that to read (novels) I must put my derriere on the treadmill, and I don't mean in a sitting position. Although, until this moment that loophole never occurred to me! So I walk and read! I have traveled through many good novels. I'm thinking of writing down the mileage I get from a good book. Clive Cussler rates right up there on the top, because he has repeatedly put me on my bottom.

Typical scenario—I'm reading along. The action is good. The suspense is palatable, and I get so involved that I stop moving my feet. Well let me tell you, when the speed is set at four miles an hour, a momentary hesitation is monumental!

My cat always sits beside the treadmill. I used to think she did it because she was fascinated with the belt movement. Now I'm pretty sure that it's the entertainment value of watching me get thrown off the back. I'm sure I heard her say, "Yep...there she goes again!"

Needless to say, I have cleared the area behind the treadmill of all sharp and breakable objects!

Here this will hold you for the weekend!


Ha, ha, auh, oops...who says Christians don't have a sense of humor? Even when they're seriously not trying. Boy, I bet some of these caused a lot of red faces along with apologies!

Announcements Taken from Church Bulletins


1. Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help. Pastor likes funerals better than weddings, at least they STAY in the ground!

2. Thursday night - Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow. New meaning to: bring your own dish!

3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. Spellcheck doesn't always help!

4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. Too much medication

5. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Belzer. Yikes! I'm not going there! Spellcheck! Spellcheck!

6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. Auh, Oops!

7. Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. There will be a booby-trap...er, door prize!

8. Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor. Well, at least she's little and not queen-sized!

9. Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study. Yikes!

10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mr. Vassilas to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. That's gonna' hurt!

11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in. Can anyone say Depends!

12. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper. See #11

13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday. This is like shooting fish in a barrel!

14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. What a toot!

15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. Make a joyful noise!

16. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. I'm not touchin' it!

17. The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11. Yes, the merits of spellcheck!

18. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. Wahoo!

19. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. Yea, when those old people start falling apart it can get kinda' messy!

20. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes. I wonder if Mr. Johnson knows?

21. The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. No wonder the old people fell apart. they worked 'em to hard!

22. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child. Can you say episiotomy!

23. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. Can't they just sell cookies like the Girl scouts?

24. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. She looks out at the audience :-)

25. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours. And that's my last word!

5 Comments:

  1. Domino said...
    These announcements are hilarious. I've read them a few times before, but I'm still laughing. I'll be re-checking my words again before submitting.
    Bernita said...
    Me too, Domino!
    Villager said...
    I've never seen these before. Thank you for sharing. This is the first time that I've visited your blog ... I appreciate the Blogger tips links that you have. I'm operating a blogger template and those links should prove helpful over time!

    peace, Villager
    Paula Neal Mooney said...
    God bless you Bonnie!

    You fixed my Hindi problem.

    Thank you,
    Paula
    Roberto said...
    You slay me sometimes, Bon.
    Back home in Oz, I saw a sign at a Church: "Sunday faith-lifts". Now, who said surgery had to be done in hospitals?

    Keep going!

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