Monday, April 30th 2007

by Bonnie Calhoun


Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $39.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $40.00



Oil Change instructions for Men :

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. Jack car up.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop bl ood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!

by Bonnie Calhoun

This is a *snort, sorry* to the men! This is ladies week for jokes!

Three newly-wed men were sitting together in a bar, bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Pennsylvania, and he bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Indiana. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from South Carolina. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.

by Bonnie Calhoun

Wow! Talk about prayers being answered! Last week it was Sanjaya...This week it's Rosie O'Donnell. Hallelujah, the wench will be gone from The View come June.

There is a lot of consternation going around as to how it all transpired, and to who was responsible...LOL...I don't care who or why...Praise the Lord, and ding-dong the wench is gone!

Here's a story that makes me need to use a Depends to get through it.

IT DID NOT HAPPEN TO ME!

All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless removal the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, the EpilStop, and now...The Wax.

My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came home from work, fixed dinner for my son and we played for a while. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple hours: maybe I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet.

I set up my boy with a video and head to the site of my demise, um, I mean bathroom.

It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it on your leg (or wherever) and ignore the frantically rising crescendo of string instruments in the background. No muss, no fuss. How hard can this be?

I mean, I'm not the girly-est of girls but I'm mechanically inclined so maybe I can figure out how this works. You'd think.

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other, stuck together. I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the wax (I'm guessing). I go one better: I pull out the hair dryer and heat the Son of a Gun to ten thousand degrees. Cold wax, yeah right.

(Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me.)

I lay the strip across my thigh. I hold the skin around it and pull. OK,so it wasn't the best feeling in the world, but it wasn't bad. I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire! With my next waxstrip, I move north.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip across the right side on my bikini line, covering the right half of my HOO-HA and stretching up into the inside of my right butt cheek. (Yeah, it was a long strip.)

I inhale deeply. I brace myself. RRRIIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind! Blind from the pain!
Vision returning.
Oh crap. I've managed to pull off half an inch of the strip. Another deep breath. And RIIIP!

Everything is swirly and tie-dyed? Do I hear crashing drums? OK, coming back to normal again. I want to see my trophy - my wax covered pelt that caused me so much agony. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold the wax strip like an Olympic gold medallist.

But why is there no hair on it?
Why is the wax mostly gone?
Where could the wax go, if not on the strip?

Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet. I see hair - the hair that should be on the strip.

I touch. I feel. I am touching wax. I look to the ceiling and silently shout, "nooooooo!!"

I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that is now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big mistake - up until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on the toilet. I know I need to move, to do something.

So I put my foot down on the floor. And then I hear the slamming of the cell door.

Hoo-Ha? Sealed shut.
Rear end? Sealed shut.

A little voice in my head says "I hope you don't have to do #2 anytime soon. Your head just might pop off."

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying desperately to figure out what I should do next. Hot water! Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand and get in - the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right? Wrong.

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than is used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. And I sit. Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub. In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax.

So now I'm stuck to the tub.

I call my friend, C, because she once dropped out of beauty school so surely she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin. It's never good to start a conversation with "So my a$$ and hoochie are stuck to the tub. She doesn't have a trick. She does her best to suppress laughter. She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the a$$ - "Are we talking cheek or exit, here?" she asks. She isn't even trying to hide the giggles now.

I give her the run-down of the entire night. She tells me to call the number on the side of the box, but to have a good cover story for where the wax actually is. "You know that if we were working the help line at XX Wax Co. and somebody called with their entire Hoo-Ha sealed shut we'd just put them on hold then record the conversation for everyone we know. You're going to end up on a radio show or the internet if you tell them the truth."


While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping the wax off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girly goodies than covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water and THEN dry shaving the sticky wax off!

In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to other subjects!) I find the little, beautiful saving grace that is the lotion provided with wax to remove the excess. I rub some in and start screaming "It's working! It's working!" I get hearty congratulations from C and we hang up.

I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the hair is still there. So I shaved the stuff off. Heck, I was numb by that point anyway. And then I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet.

Never know, I may want to try it again.

Note: I didn't write this, but I can't stop laughing!

This week, the

Christian Fiction Blog Alliance

is introducing

THE HEIR

(Bethany House March 1, 2007)

by

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:



Paul Robertson is a computer programming consultant, part-time high-school math and science teacher, and former independent bookstore owner in Blacksburg, Virginia. This is his first novel.

ABOUT THE BOOK:

Jason Boyer Just Got an Inheritance to Die For
The fortune wasn't supposed to befall him. Jason Boyer had known all along his father's business empire would pass to different hands. Which suited him just fine. The money was crooked and the power corrupt. But when an accident claims the old man's life, everyone is stunned by the unveiling of the will. With the passing of the Boyer crown, power-hungry politicians and shady business partners all try to force Boyer's hand. Fighting the temptation of influence and riches, he simply wants to be a better man than his father--but attempting to stand for what’s right soon brings murderous consequences. As those closest to him are endangered--and news emerges that his father's accident may be something more sinister--Boyer finds himself fighting for his soul…and his life!

Is There Any Escape for The Heir?
All the money he could ever crave. In the splintering crash of a car plunging through a railing, Jason Boyer's life is changed. All the fame he could ever desire. But the last thing he wanted was the throne of his father's corrupt business empire. All the power he could ever wield.
The estate should have gone elsewhere, but the will was changed. And now everything is Jason's. But gaining the whole world just might cost him his life.

THE HEIR is a Gresham-like tale of intrigue and murder with a lot of humor and well-drawn minor characters.

Endorsement:

"In THE HEIR, Paul Robertson serves up politics, privilege, and murder with a side of acerbic wit. What a fabulous book--a great mix of angst, humor, and ultimately, hope."
T.L.HINES--author of Waking Lazarus and The Dead Whisper On

by Bonnie Calhoun

This is a true account as recorded in the Police Log of
Sarasota, Florida...

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why...

For the same reason she did not understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs of beer in the front seat!

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one!

by Bonnie Calhoun




Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that
the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now
monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 ,
Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Golfing 3.6.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my
favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but
the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....

_____________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is
just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM
and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible
to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to
uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not
allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child
Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the
situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to
alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! Because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system
will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife
1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook
It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause
the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only
way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional
software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short
Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause
irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,

Tech Support

by Bonnie Calhoun

I have been email challenged by several pro-choice people on my "right-wing" propaganda as to the validity of the fetus being a non-person. People should know better than to challenge me, but where fools rush in.... You can go HERE and read this whole thing compiled by an abortion doctor as an instructional paper. Most of these PBA's are performed in the 20-26th week...some later.

Guided by ultrasound the baby's legs are grabbed with forceps.
The legs are pulled into the birth canal.
The baby is delivered, except for the head.
Scissors are jammed into the skull, and opened to enlarge the hole.
A suction tube is inserted. The brains are suctioned out causing the skull to collapse. The dead baby is then removed.

And this is the procedure that there is no ban on yet. It is called D and E (dilation and Evacuation). It is actually performed more often than the PBA. You can study the procedure HERE they rip the baby's limbs off, and break up the body into chunks that they can evacuate. You can click on it for a larger picture!

by Bonnie Calhoun

Yesterday I expressed my joy at the Supreme Court...and at my daughter and my l'il sweet tater. Today I am showing you another example of God's miracles and blessings.

This story can be read in its entirety HERE, but to sum it all up...This miracle baby was only in the uterus for 21 weeks and 6 days (Partial-birth abortions are conducted at 20-26 weeks and sometimes later). When born, she weighed just under 10 ounces and measured 9.5 inches in length, slightly longer than a ballpoint pen.

Amillia Sonja Taylor spent her first four months of life in a neonatal ICU and went home with her parents on February 21, 2007 weighing only four pounds and looking plump to her mom!

by Bonnie Calhoun

As a born-again Christian and a pro-lifer I was ecstatic this week when the Supreme Court upheld the ban on the vile partial-birth abortion practice. Naturally big-mouthed Rosie O'Donnell *argghh* chimed in with her two-cents...worth about bubkus to me, and said that women needed the right because most of the babies at this stage were horribly deformed or dead....DEAD...Rosie get a clue...if a baby is already dead in the womb, there is no need to stick a pair of forceps into it head and scramble its brains! Bonnie, Bonnie, Bonnie...just breath!!!

Anyhow, Ruth Bader Ginsberg was a dissenting justice along with Justices Stephen Breyer, David Souter and John Paul Stevens.

The procedure at issue involves partially removing the fetus intact from a woman's uterus, then crushing or cutting its skull to complete the abortion.

Abortion opponents say the law will not reduce the number of abortions performed because an alternate method of dismembering the fetus in the uterus is available and, indeed, much more common!!! God help us all!!

And I show you all that to be able to show you my l'il sweet tater...My daughter is pregnant...we (notice I say we...LOL...this one ain't my job!) ...we are 15 weeks along as of Saturday...Look, look how cute....how could anyone call this a bunch of cells!

Her head is down, and to the right. That's a little arm sticking up above the head. Her feet and legs are curled up above her l'il Buddha belly, and to the top left!

First we were calling the baby a l'il strawberry, then she was a plum, now I'm callin' her a l'il sweet tater...LOL...only because we haven't seen a banana!

by Bonnie Calhoun

LOL...I'm not even upset that most of my pictures have disappeared...LOL...Blogger Employee Buzz over on the Google/Blogger help boards, said they have identified the problem and it should be fixed within the hour...LOL...if it's daylight and the pix are still MIA...they didn't get it!

I'm gleefull and exuberant because...Sanjaya is GONE...voted into American Idol oblivion. Simon Cowell almost did a jig! the order of the niverse has returned! Take that Howard Stern!!!!!

This week, the

Christian Fiction Blog Alliance

is introducing

A BIGGER LIFE

Navpress Publishing Group (January 15, 2007)

by

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

In 1997, Annette was working as a home health nurse. She traveled the back roads from house to house, caring for ill and injured, homebound people. Because of her unique position in the lives of relative strangers, she often found herself bearing solitary witness to intimate behind-the-scenes situations full of grace and meaning. The desire to honor both a particular patient and a poignant scene involving the woman and her husband prompted Annette to write a fictionalized story, The Anniversary.

That first story appeared as a column in the Houston Chronicle newspaper and as an essay in Today’s Christian Woman magazine. Later it became a chapter in Annette’s first and best-selling book of short stories, The Whispers of Angels, that has sold more than 100,000 copies

Since then, Annette has penned four more books of stories, two volumes on parenting, and the Coming Home to Ruby Prairie trilogy.

Annette and her husband Randy, a High School teacher and coach, make their home on a wooded lot in Quitman, Texas. They are the parents of two young adult children, Russell and Rachel, both out on their own. Wally, a grateful, rescued mutt provides warmth and entertainment and keeps the Smith’s empty nest from feeling too lonely.

In addition to writing, Annette continues to serve part-time as a registered nurse. She finds the people she works with and the patients she cares for provide great inspiration for her fiction.

ABOUT THE BOOK:

Joel Carpenter did not plan for his life to turn out like this. He never meant to be a single dad, working at a hair salon in Eden Plain, Texas. But after making a careless choice four years ago, his marriage was permanently shattered. Now at twenty-seven, he finds himself juggling custody of his preschool son with Kari, the ex-wife he still loves, and sharing Sunday dinners with a group of other single dads.

Joel regrets the choices that brought him to this place, but it's not until the worst happens that he learns how much he still has to give. In the midst of deep tragedy, he learns that forgiveness is way more important than freedom. Hopefully it's not too late!

A BIGGER LIFE is a story of love in the midst of heartache, and friendship in the midst of real, everyday life.

by Bonnie Calhoun

I'm a New Yorker...waddaya want! I LOVE NEW YORK!! Hey it looks like Regis will be back on with KathyLee sorry, Kelly!...really soon. I'm glad his heart surgury went well. We luv ya Reg!

I think the sadness at Virginia Tech is more than I can bear. I can't even talk about it. I'm still praying for all of those hurting families who are suffering so horribly. I watched the assembly and was encouraged by the sheer mass of people that attended today.



And here's something to try and cheer me up!

Three women - one German, one Japanese and a hillbilly were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound.

The German pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager," she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The hillbilly woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The hillbilly woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm gettin' a fax."

by Bonnie Calhoun

I'm just going to chalk yesterday up as a bizarre cosmic aberration that is never to be repeated.

It started with Upstate New Yorkers waking up to the Nor'easter of the century. There is more than a foot of April snow out there. I know the snowbells usually come up through the snow but at this rate it will be June before the snow even melts. There are widespread power outages, and poor Debbie Brand was without power for most of the day. Thank God that up where I am, our lights only flickered a few times!

Next it moved onto the report of Britney Spears and her latest antics over the weekend, making a photographer tape her outside a Hollywood tanning salon acting high and like a Valley Girl as she sarcastically dresses down her fictional audience...and once wasn't enough, she made the poor guy tape it twice.

Then we moved on to the tragedy at Virginia Tech University in Blacksburg, Virginia. My heart goes out to the families of those 33 souls that were lost.

And last but not least...the Google/Blogger Help boards. I don't know how many people, other than the ones that are having problems, ever go over there...but I'm gonna' tell ya! Boy are there some crazy and bizarre stories going on!!!

From people being stalked by irate people that they have annoyed on other blogs, to people trying to get all of their blog pages to disappear because they are being sued for telling too much...FYI...when you delete a blog there are still cached pages out there on the search engines. You should overwrite the pages before deleting them.

And then you have the people who are threatening Google/Blogger with lawsuits if they don't take down blogs that these people feel are slandering them.

Let's have a joke from my friend Ric whose going on vacation to sunny Florida!

Tom was in his early 50's, retired and started a second career.

However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk.

"Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but you're being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Marines. What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, "Good morning, General."

by Bonnie Calhoun

Egads! Just when I thought it was safe to put things back in my mouth again....now Listerine has a product recall for it's children's product, Agent Cool Blue Plaque-Detecting Rinse in flavors including Glacier Mint and Bubble Blast.

Yea...so...I was going to try it...adults have plaque too...*snort* and it's more important that we get to keep what teeth we have left.

Okay so I'm NOT trying it now!

We're suffering through a Nor'easter at this moment...I'm afraid to see how much snow will be out there by the time people wake up to read this! It's been really bad in New York state today..especially down-state in the City!


LOST PUPPY!


I know most of you are dog lovers and will help us. Our neighbor has lost her Chihuahua and is desperate to find him.


She does a lot of traveling and always takes her dog with her.


Yesterday, she was sitting on the couch watching TV. She called out for her puppy with no response, and the back door was open.


She has been putting up signs everywhere. If you see this dog, please let me know and I will notify her. Your help would be greatly appreciated.



See picture below:






If you thought it was good...click!

Mourners arrive at the Nineveh Presbyterian Church for cartoonist Johnny Hart's funeral on Friday morning.

CHUCK HAUPT / Press & Sun-Bulletin

In lieu of flowers, memorial contributions in memory of Johnny Hart may be made to the Nineveh Presbyterian Church Building Fund, P.O. Box 115, Nineveh, N.Y. 13813.

by Bonnie Calhoun

Egads....It's Friday the 13th!

Well, Imus has been fired by CBS. He met with the Rutgers Womens Basketball team at the New Jersey Governor's mansion. Details of that meeting have not been released yet. I feel like something light and funny! Have a great weekend!

Well this is a good example of just what exercise will get for you...so knock it off!

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Guess you actually have to go.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

"Another alligator attack!"





Hey, you can do it to! Wanna make $7.50 to blog about this post? Click here check out their Review My Post program:

If you thought it was good...click!

by Bonnie Calhoun

Okay my brain is fried! Sanjaya is hanging on for dear life. I am beyond incredulous. The only thing that has brought me any relief, is that Don Imus has been fired by MSNBC.

They aren't going to carry the simulcast of the Imus Radio Show anymore, but NBC is still holding to the two week suspension. I've heard opinions from both sides...the pro-Imus argument: He donates millions to charity and runs a camp for young cancer patients and some of those cancer patients are black. Therefore, he is a good person and cannot be racist.

My opinion goes like this: a man can beat his wife and still give away money to women's causes therefore making him a generous wife-beater. The same logic applies to Imus!

I need a joke....this one is courtesy of my buddy Bonnie Wren

A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when, he gets a call on his cell phone.

He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife has produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks, like I said, my boy's a typical Texas baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of "WOW!". One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody has been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "...had him circumcised."


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If you thought it was good...click!

This week, the

Christian Fiction Blog Alliance

is introducing

CORAL MOON

Zondervan (April 27, 2007)

by

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Brandilyn Collins is the bestselling author of Violet Dawn, Web Of Lies, Dead of Night, Stain of Guilt, Brink of Death, and Eyes of Elisha just to name a few.

Brandilyn and her family divide their time between the California Bay Area and Coeur d'Alene, Idaho.

She also maintains an informative blog called Forensics and Faith where she daily dispenses wisdom on writing, life, and the Christian book industry.

ABOUT THE BOOK:

The figure remained still as stone. Leslie couldn't even detect a breath.

Spider fingers teased the back of her neck.

Leslie's feet rooted to the pavement. She dropped her gaze to the driveway, seeking...what? Spatters of blood? Footprints? She saw nothing. Honed through her recent coverage of crime scene evidence, the testimony as last month's trial, the reporter in Leslie spewed warnings: Notice everything, touch nothing...

Leslie Brymes hurries out to her car on a typical workday morning...and discovers a dead body inside.

Why was the corpse left for her to find? And what is the meaning of the message pinned to its chest?

In Coral Moon, the senseless murder of a beloved Kanner Lake citizen spirals the small Idaho town into a terrifying glimpse of spiritual forces beyond our world. What appears true seems impossible.

OR IS IT?

And as Brandilyn would say...

Presently this Kanner Lake Series of books has its own character blog called Scenes and Beans. Stop by and visit the folks from Kanner Lake!

by Bonnie Calhoun

First Howard Stern gets me riled up. Now Don Imus has taken his place as man most likely to need my prayers so that I don't contemplate running him over with a speeding vehicle.

After a career of cranky insults, radio star Don Imus was fighting for his job Monday following one joke that by his own admission went “way too far.”

At least there is the satisfaction that it was announced today that he has been suspended for two weeks. So bear up you Imus junkies, MSNBC has announced that the simulcast for Imus In The Morning will be suspended for two weeks!

On Friday, he apologized on air. And Monday, he went on Al Sharpton's radio talk show, attempting to make amends. Sharpton had many questions. Imus, trying to explain the nature of his show, told Sharpton that he often mixes humor with news and current events and added that it sometimes does not work.

"Our agenda is to try and be funny," Imus told Sharpton. "And sometimes we go too far. This time we definitely went too far." Imus then went on to add that he didn't intend to offend anyone with his comments and wasn't thinking in racial terms.

"I wasn't even thinking racial," he said. "I was thinking a West Side Story thing. One side is tough; the other side is not."

And after hearing his contrite stance on "...not thinking racial.." Do you want to now know what the offending statement was? He referred to members of the Rutgers women’s basketball team as “nappy-headed hos.” Now tell me how that could be construed as anything BUT racial.

Some people just have no couth! And I add Don Imus to that list!

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by Bonnie Calhoun

With a heavy heart, I report today that a great artist and neighbor has passed into the arms of our Lord Jesus.

Johnny Hart died on Saturday at his home, up the road from me, in Nineveh (I live in Harpursville). He was 76 years old, and died doing what he loved to do best. His wife Bobby said that Johnny had a stroke and died at his storyboard.

Johhny Hart was best known for his B.C. and Wizard of ID comic strips. As Johnny became more entrenched in his career, many of his cartoons began to address religious themes. This was merely a a reflection of his own deepening Christian faith and it dismayed some readers and while delighting others (myself among this delighted group).

Johnny Hart lent his B.C. characters to promote many of our local agencies and activities, including the old Broome Dusters hockey team, BC Transit (our county bus system), Broome County Parks (all of our parks have his green grinning dinosaur in their logos and signs).

Johnny also designed the trophy for the professional golf tournament which became the B.C. Open. The bronzed trophy given to B.C. Open champions, depicts a caveman following through on his golf swing after hacking out a divot.

B.C. also participated in the nation's space program. In 1972, Hart received a public service award from NASA for outstanding contributions.

"B.C." and "Wizard of Id" will continue. Family members have been helping produce the strips for years, and they have an extensive computer archive of Hart's drawings to work with.

Johnny Hart is survived by his wife, Bobby, and two daughters Patti and Perri.

Funeral services will be held at 11 a.m. Friday at the Nineveh Presbyterian Church, 2997 N.Y. Route 7, with Rev. Emrys Tyler, pastor, officiating. Burial will be in Nineveh Presbyterian Cemetery.

The family will receive friends from 4 to 8 p.m. Wednesday and 4 to 8 p.m. Thursday at the Osterhoudt-Madden Funeral Home, 69-71 Maple St., Harpursville. In lieu of flowers, memorial contributions in memory of Johnny Hart may be made to the Nineveh Presbyterian Church Building Fund, P.O. Box 115, Nineveh, N.Y. 13813.

Click on cartoon for a readable size

by Bonnie Calhoun

Well kids, here it is almost Easter, and you know what that means? Yep, you got it, time for the Easter blonde!

Three blondes arrive at the gates of heaven where St. Peter informs them that they must tell him what Easter is, before they can enter.

The first blonde says, "Easter is a holiday when they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooo!!" and banishes her to hell.

The second blonde says, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birthday and we exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Nooooo!!!" and also banishes her to hell.

The third blonde says, "Well I know what Easter is."

St. Peter replies, "Please, tell me!"

She says, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having the Passover feast with his disciples when He was betrayed by Judas and arrested by the Romans. The Romans crucified Him on the cross, where He died. His disciples took His body and buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder."

St. Peter smiled and said, "Verrrry good!!!"

The blonde then continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If He sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

St. Peter fainted!!!!


Happy Easter to All!!!

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by Bonnie Calhoun

Okay, now check this out! Yes, I'm happily married, but I have a lot of single friends, that I would love to have happily married...so that's why this promo!

I found this Black Dating Service. When I was in the dating pit, there was no such thing, so to me this is very intriguing! Their site says that it is the premiere ebony dating site on the internet, with thousands of ebony singles. (LOL...that means black folk, for my friends from other countries that don't get the lingo!)

It's FREE to join. The front page of profiles, shows good sized photos, and conscise blurbs on each person, including where they live, so you don't wind up with a long-distance date by accident.

*Snort* I'm going to have to get some of my single friends to go and try out Black Dating Service...notice I said my SINGLE friends...don't any of you ring-bearers go over there! And for those that go...when you find a date report back and let us all know how it went!

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by Bonnie Calhoun

Wow! Nina Wang died...suspiciously! I read about her in her regaling, infamous context a few years ago. She was like THE richest woman in Asia! How you might ask?

Well I don't mean to talk ill of the dead...*snort*!

Let's just say Nina O'le girl was preeettty busy. She comandeered control of her husband's Hong Kong realestate empire. That was one long, drawn out legal battle. Why? I'm glad you asked...Hubs disappeared! So naturally everybody says Nina Wang had her significant other off-ed for his money! Then there was charges of forgery and adultry. All the while it was reported that she had an explicit fondness for opium.

And there's enough pictures of the old lady in short skirts to burn out your eyeballs. She was famous for wearing REAL bobby socks, towering patent-leather platform shoes, T-shirts adorned with silver lamé hearts, ultra-micro-miniskirts of red vinyl and multiple pigtails (usually three of them) that trailed behind her like the tails of a wind-borne kite. She sometimes dyed the pigtails — blue, on one occasion — to match whatever outfit she happened to have on.
Nina Wang came to international attention in 1990, when her husband was kidnapped for the second time. Mr. Wang was first kidnapped in 1983. He was released unharmed eight days later after Mrs. Wang paid a ransom of $11 million. (On his release, Mr. Wang, known as a consummate businessman, “berated his wife for paying so much so soon,” Asiaweek reported.)

After Mr. Wang was kidnapped again in 1990, what followed read like the plot of a James Bond novel. Although Mrs. Wang was reported to have paid slightly more than half of the kidnappers’ $60 million ransom demand, Mr. Wang was never seen again. *Snort* that'll teach him to berate her!

Seriously Nina Wang's life reads like a James Bond novel! LOL!

Hrmp!...69 years old, and worth $4.2 billion with a "B", and now she's worm food. Just goes to show, there are no armoured cars behind hearses!

Then again maybe this joke is an example of her husband???

THE ROMANTIC HUSBAND
Husband and wife in bed together.
She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She: "Oh, that feels good."
His hand moves to her breast.
She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."
His hand moves to her leg.
She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."
But he stops.
She: "Why did you stop?"



He: "I found the remote."


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