Friday, March 17, 2006

Things To Say To Telemarketers

Mahawwww...I made it! It's Friday! I thought this day would never come!!! Happy St. Patrick's Day to all who celebrate!

This will give you something to harass those pesky telemarketers with this weekend!

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

And finally....

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

LOL...have a great weekend, if I don't see you till Monday!


  1. Crystal said...
    Those are hilarious! I like 5 and 18 the best! Keep 'em comin' Bonnie!
    Gordon said...
    This is really good, Bonnie. It almost makes me sad that telemarketing got outlawed. I would really have liked to try out a few of these.
    Denise McDonald said...
    sad to say... I have done a couple of these before!
    Bernita said...
    Perfect, Bonnie, and not likely to land us in jail, deep water, etc.
    Stephen Newton said...
    I've posted a new anhinga moon just for you.
    Patti said...
    This is my first visit to your blog. I love the telemarketers comebacks. I will be back
    Sandra Ruttan said...
    LOL indeed! Thanks for the smiles!
    WannabeMe said...
    Ooooo. I'll have hubby do #4 next time. Too funny!
    Anonymous said...
    Iv done somthign like this i have left the phone on the side and turned up the TV and lauged at the program very loudly, i go back to the speaker about 10 mins later and they are always still there!
    adrienne said...
    so this is my first time to your blog and i think it is is really true that telemarketing got outlawed??? man i still have them people callin my house too?? so im confused about that
    Betty said...
    Hahaha, this really made me laugh! So clever of you. Just to think, have you already done that to one of the Telemarketers out there? All of the things you have enumerated are great, its just that the Telemarketer would think that they are talking to a moron or idiot! But that's not a problem though, they will understand that you simply do not want to talk to them.
    Arbie Fontilla said...
    Maybe when you answer the telemarketers back with this, they might feel embarrass but if you say this in a nice word, they will be able to understand what you are trying to say.
    Anonymous said...
    These are great.
    Once I had The Godfather playing when a telemarketer called. I cued up a clip where a character starts shooting people. I them mumur "help... me..." gargle gargle... And then in another voice, I say to the phone, "any questions?"

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