Good Monday...Yikes the weekend went by fast! Reading the AOL strange but true news yesterday I found two very strange stories:

First, I want all you ladies,l especially any that are planning to travel to Madrid, Spain....beware of a man named Juan Carlos. No, not the guy that's king. This guy's dubious distinction is...uh, eh..making big babies!

You heard me right. The poor unsuspecting woman that bore his child had a 15-lb....that's right fifteeen pound....baby.

Now, me being the consumate man abuser that my friend Ric thinks I am, would normally attribute this abberation of nature to the man. Especially since the man said that the last baby he had with another woman weighed in at 17-pounds at birth. Notice that girl was smart and beat feet while the gettin' was good!

But this woman stated that her first daughter was 10.2-pounds at birth...Now I don't know about you...but to me, there's something radically wrong with someone who would keep putting themselves through that!

Another...fact is stranger than fiction story...somebody should do a movie about this one.

The owner of Biomedical Tissue Services of Fort Lee, N.J., was charged along with a Brooklyn funeral home owner for selling body parts. The guy who owned the tissue service went into the business after loosing his license as an oral surgeon.

Brooklyn District Attorney Charles Hynes called it "something out of a cheap horror movie." I don't call it cheap when they made millions of dollars. The bodies came from funeral homes in New York City, Rochester, Philadelphia and New Jersey that contracted with the Brooklyn funeral parlor for embalming.

The picture to the right shows just how determined they were. They stole this pair of leg bones and since they couldn't return it to the funeral parlor after the so-called embalming with flat legs....they stuffed PVC pipe in the legs and sewed them back up.....gives a whole new meaning to the term...stiff!

Okay, let's have a joke...Hey Ric...this one's for you"

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.

I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User.
_______________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many guys upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation.

I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear 3.2" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1..0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Laundry 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1, Hugs 4.3 and Dancing 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support