Well, well, well, my FRIEND Paula has lain herself on the pyre of flaming keyboards, as the sacrificial goat of taggers the world over, in being brave enough (that's not really the word I'd use, but I'm being nice...weird...huh?) to tag ME...me!!!! Let's give her five things to remember...Mwhahaha!

1.)That I absolutely, unequivocally HATE to be tagged, and with maniacal glee will eviscerate any soul who deems themselves brave enough to try.

2.)That I would like to hotwire the keyboards of taggers to deliver electrical shocks every time they even think about passing on the dirty deed to some unexpecting soul.

3.)That I hope the Bird of Paradise will crap on the birthday cakes of the aforementioned taggers, and that the fleas of a thousand camels will come to rest in their....uh nevermind...you get the drift!

4.)That I am appalled that anyone in the free world could have missed this rant because I do it repeatedly!

5.)That this rant makes me feel absolutely FABULOUS and right now I'm doing the "Happy PeePee Dance"....thank you Paula!

Will I pass on the pain?....Not on your life....I tap you all with my wand...click your heels together three times and say, "There's no place safer than home!"

While I'm at it, I'd also want to extend my thanks to ALL of my wonderful friends who have brought so much JOY into my life by sending me e-mail chain letters and now...tagging me with the Blog equivalent of a chain letter. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern...

1. I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

2. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

3. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

4. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

5. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

6. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

7. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

8. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our troops.

9. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

10. I no longer eat prepackaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay.

11. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

12. I no longer go to bars because someone will drug me and take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

13. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to 7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.

14. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who has been dying for the past seven years.

15. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I will now return the favor.

If you don't send this post to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will fly over your head at 5:00pm and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest...., well, you get the picture.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend's neighbor's cousin, and he's a lawyer.