Thursday, November 24, 2005

BEWARE...LAUGHERS MAY NEED TO USES DEPENDS!!

This is a little long, but read it while the turkey is roasting.

All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless
removal the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, the
EpilStop, and now . . The Wax.

My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came home from work,
fixed dinner for my son and we played for a while. I then had the
thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple hours:
maybe I should use that wax in my medicine cabinet.
I set up my boy with a video and head to the site of my demise, um, I
mean bathroom.

It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you
just rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it on
your leg (or wherever) and ignore the frantically rising crescendo of string
instruments in the background. No muss, no fuss. How hard can this be?

I mean, I'm not the girly-est of girls but I'm mechanically inclined so
maybe I can figure out how this works. You'd think.

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other,
stuck together. I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the
wax (I'm guessing). I go one better: I pull out the hair dryer and heat
the Son of a Gun to ten thousand degrees. Cold wax, yeah right.

(Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me.)

I lay the strip across my thigh. I hold the skin around it and pull.
OK,so it wasn't the best feeling in the world, but it wasn't bad. I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am Sheera, fighter of all
wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire! With my next waxstrip, I move north.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip across the right
side on my bikini line, covering the right half of my HOO-HA and
stretching up into the inside of my right butt cheek. (Yeah, it was a long strip.)

I inhale deeply. I brace myself. RRRIIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind! Blind from the pain!
Vision returning.
Oh crap. I've managed to pull off half an inch of the strip. Another
deep breath. And RIIIP!

Everything is swirly and tie-dyed?
Do I hear crashing drums?
OK, coming back to normal again. I want to see my trophy - my wax
covered pelt that caused me so much agony. I want to revel in the glory
that is my triumph over body hair. I hold the wax strip like an Olympic
gold medallist.

But why is there no hair on it?
Why is the wax mostly gone?
Where could the wax go, if not on the strip?
Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet. I see
hair - the hair that should be on the strip.

I touch. I feel. I am touching wax. I look to the ceiling and silently
shout, "nooooooo!!"

I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that
is now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big
mistake - up until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on the
toilet. I know I need to move, to do something.

So I put my foot down on the floor. And then I hear the slamming of the
cell door.

Hoo-Ha? Sealed shut.
Rear end? Sealed shut.
>
A little voice in my head says "I hope you don't have to do #2 anytime
soon. Your head just might pop off."

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying desperately to figure out what
I should do next. Hot water! Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest
water I can stand and get in - the wax should melt and I can gently wipe
it away, right? Wrong.

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than is used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. And I sit. Now the
only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is having
them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub.
In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax.

So now I'm stuck to the tub.

I call my friend, C, because she once dropped out of beauty school so
surely she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin. It's
never good to start a conversation with "So my a$$ and hoochie are stuck
to the tub. She doesn't have a trick. She does her best to suppress
laughter. She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the a$$ - "Are
we talking cheek or exit, here?" she asks. She isn't even trying to hide
the giggles now.

I give her the run-down of the entire night. She tells me to call the
number on the side of the box, but to have a good cover story for where
the wax actually is. "You know that if we were working the help line at
XX Wax Co. and somebody called with their entire Hoo-Ha sealed shut we'd just
put them on hold then record the conversation for everyone we know.
You're going to end up on a radio show or the internet if you tell them the truth.


While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping the
wax off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girly goodies
than covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water and
THEN dry shaving the sticky wax off!

In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to
other subjects!) I find the little, beautiful saving grace that is the
lotion provided with wax to remove the excess. I rub some in and start
screaming "It's working! It's working!" I get hearty congratulations
from C and we hang up.

I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the
hair is still there. So I shaved the stuff off. Heck, I was numb
by that point anyway. And then I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet.

Never know, I may want to try it again.

Note: I didn't write this, but I can't stop laughing!

6 Comments:

  1. An Ordinary Christian said...
    Thanks for this: "We will pray that God softens your mother's heart. That this child develops a bond with your mother that helps to bring her to the Lord."
    Now, as far as this story, I'm glad it wasn't you, it's a little too much information than I wanted to know about you. (I'm practicing giving my opinion more.) But it was funny. So, you didn't have a son who was watching the video? I kept wondering where he was, and I was afraid he was going to walk in and what were you going to say?.
    Bonnie Calhoun said...
    Good girl, keep it up. Tell it like you see it!

    I always say...word pictures!...word pictures!!I'm still ROFLMAO!!!

    No thank the good Lord, it didn't happen to me. Twenty years ago I might have been that stupid but not now!!!
    Bernita said...
    Another skitzo moment.
    Caught between hysterical sniggers and deepest sympathy.
    "goodies glued together!" The synonyms are priceless!
    Ric said...
    Bonnie, Bonnie,

    we of the word pictures are rolling on the floor with this one.

    Very funny.
    Dennie McDonald said...
    OMGoodenees! almost choked on my lunch - twice!
    M. C. Pearson said...
    When you sent me this link I almost did pee. That chickie blog is too funny. Oh boy. I also had printed this out and let Dave read it (the uncensored version) and he died laughing...well, almost. I also thought about posting it. I'm not sure how it would look for a YA writer to post...so, I'll just laugh from here.

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