Monday, January 23, 2006

IMMORTALITY and HOSPITAL CHARTS

Good Monday to you all. Here in New York it has decided to snow...nusiance snow. Anything less than the six inches that I mandate as stay home snow...is nusiance snow!

I'm self-employ me, myself and I. So we argue continually about these stay-at-home decisions, but my logic (as warped as it is)usually prevails. LOL!

Two for the price of one today....Hospital humor all the way around!


A man recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said he was doing "fairly well" for his age.

A little concerned about that comment, the man couldn't resist asking him, "Do
you think I'll live to be 80?"

The doctor asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"

"Oh no," the man replied. "I've never done either."

Then the doctor asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

The man said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
ballooning, or rock climbing ?"

"No, I don't," the man said.

The doctor asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"

"No," the man said frowning. "I've never done any of those things."

The doctor looked at him and said, "Then why do you give a crap if you live to be
80?"

Yike! bad Bonnie...bad Bonnie!!!

And the next:

Actual writings on hospital charts:

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband
states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for
over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third
day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also
appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me
in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 years old male, mentally
alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another
hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably
insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past
three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for
lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of
her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car
for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus
sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he
took a job as a stock broker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt
we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other
abnormalities.

9 Comments:

  1. Dennie McDonald said...
    HAHAHA!!

    yes I am up late... can't sleep, too excited about the book!
    Dennie McDonald said...
    The patient refused autopsy ... this one has made me pause more than once!!
    M. G. Tarquini said...
    hospital humor is sick in its own way.
    Bernita said...
    Husband spattered the morning paper again.
    Bonnie Calhoun said...
    And fact is always stranger than fiction...When my grandmother died in 1972, they first took her body to the hospital by ambulance. Two months later she got a bill in the mail for being DOA (dead on arrival).

    My mother, laughing for the first time in a month, wrote on the envelope, "Forward to Dunmore Cemetary," and put it back in the mailbox!
    A Human Bean said...
    I love the first story. It made my day. I guess I will just have to start being a bad person or I will not want to live to be 80 either. I will just tell God it is Bonnie's fault.
    Jennifer said...
    ROFLOL!!!!! Oh, my sides hurt. Thanks, friend.
    M. C. Pearson said...
    Oh no, that was WAY TOO FUNNY!


    22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus
    sized.

    23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

    Do these two go together?
    Jennifer said...
    Bad Mimi!

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