Saturday, January 07, 2006

PAMPURRED - WOMEN ONLY

I was doing my daily check-in at my favorite Blogs, and I found something way cool that my writer friends will enjoy. Over at Books, Inq Frank Wilson found the neatest site called Etymologic ,the toughest word game on the web.

I got 9 out of 10, but some of them were a process of elimination! Have fun!

Now...uh, huh...now for Ric. He thinks that Bernita and I have decided that he is grumpy. Hmmm, sounds like a Shirley Temple song to me, with a little soft-shoe tapdance on the side.

Speaking of tapdancing...he's done a lot of that lately, so this newly acquired bit of jockularity is just for him, the male of the species. (insert maniacal laughter here!)

Oh, by the way, after your done here go see Bernita's coathanger collection. She is a very creative artist! What a hoot!


15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MOM, YOUR
DAUGHTERS OR GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC
.

1. Don't imagine you can change a man -- unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon -- they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander -- it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13.. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Send this to 10 Bright Women to make their day!

23 Comments:

  1. Dana Y. T. Lin said...
    "12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions."

    I always wondered what the heck took 'em so long! Just follow the birds as my gramps used to say!
    Bernita said...
    Oh, Bonnie!
    Thank you, friend dear!
    Ric is now blaming all the wars on women... and my middle name is Helene.
    Off to make my husband snort his coffee with that list.
    Stephen Newton said...
    Bonnie, thanks for your thoughts about communication. I'm interested in how you found Jesus. Was it an actual search you were on consciously or did it occur spontaneously at some point. Would you explain how it happened? Send me an email if you'd rather not post it.
    Ric said...
    Tapdancing? Bonnie, you are quite skilled in 'getting my goat'. This latest list is just horrible - funny, but horrible. More man bashing.

    When I was in school (you know, back before computers and PC) history books taught that all wars were over religion or women. Apparently the textbook writers thought it too complex to explain reasons like "His grass is greener." or "I'm overcompensating because I'm short."

    These days, because of PC, religion can't enter into any conversation, so that leaves women.

    So Benita Helene, there you have it.

    Men don't need to ask directions - there is always a woman to tell them where to go.
    Joe said...
    I did terrible on the etymology thing, which is embarrassing, 'cause I though I was good.

    The thin about men was funny. But very disrespectful.

    I'm SO hurt...right.
    Dennie McDonald said...
    LOVE IT!

    too funny =)

    (And Bernita's cartoons are very cute!)
    Bonnie Calhoun said...
    Dana...but a male bird was in the lead!

    Bernita....just call me Cleopatra!

    Hey Ric...gotcha' buddy. you can talk about religion on this site or Joe's(below ya') anytime you want. Right, Joe!

    Joe, go back and try again! The questions change each time!

    Stephen, I'd be honored to answer that:

    I was raised in a Christian household, believed in God all my life, went to church on Christmas and Easter (those are God's days-type of attitude) but little else.

    I drank, smoked(not always cigarettes, cursed(hey...ya' know we used the 'F' word for emphasis) and generally acted up. But, I always read the Bible. :-)Alone and at home, but I thought that put me and God on good terms!

    One night, in 1995, I had a dream. To this day, I don't remember the dream. All I remember is the voice saying, "Read the Bible, there's something you will find." I'm thinkin', "Okay, that's stupid...I've already read the Bible...what'd somebody do stick money between the pages?" Really! I needed some money to go clubbing that night with some girlfriends.

    I had my own business, trading cards, comics and video games. I was across the street from our local middle and high school. I wasn't really busy during the day till school let out, so I took the Bible with me to read, figuring it couldn't hurt.

    I started from Genesis...In the beginning...Now this is the same Bible that I had since I was 25 (I'm 56 this year, to give you reference), but as I read, I kept saying, "Where did that come from? I never read that before?) I had read the Bible through twice in my life, so at the time this was no big deal!

    As I read, I interested in the actual history...Is there proof that this happened? How do all these years fit together? I kept reading passages that talked about secrets and things not revealed...Ya' know...curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back!

    One day, I'm reading and Oprah had on Michael Drosnin, writer of The Bible Code (that's another story!) Well it piqued my interest about the Hebrew of the Old Testament. So I started researching the culture and customs. Now by this time, I was having running conversations with God (nobody else would listen) and I jokingly prayed for a Jew.

    That's right, I prayed for a Jew. In my head, I wanted someone who could help me understand the idioms of the language and the customs...yada, yada.

    The next day, a business friend of mine asked me if I'd like to make a little extra money, taking in TVs at my store for a man who did repairs out of his house. My first question, "Is he honest?" I dealt with most of the kids in my town and I didn't want anybody cheating their parents. My friend said, "Yea, he's honest, he's a Pastor." I rolled my eyes. (I hadn't been to church in 20 years...didn't want to either. I knew where God was and that was good enough)

    The next day, the guy's wife showed up with a little sign to put in my window. No lie...here's how the abbreviated version of the conversation went:

    Her: "My name's Bonnie." Me: "My name's Bonnie also."
    Her: "My daughter's name is Heather." Me: "My step-daughter's name is Heather."
    Her: "My son's name is Brian." Me: "My future son-in-laws name is Brian."
    Her: "I've got 3 dogs, 3 cats and 3 tanks full of fish." Me: "I've got 3 dogs, 3 cats and 3 tanks full of fish."
    Her: "My ex-husband's name is Bob." Me: "My husband's name is Bob"
    Her: "I'm a Messianic Jew" I screeched to a halt ('cause we had been laughing hysterically up to then) My mouth dropped open.

    I asked, "Do you have a Tanakh (Jewish bible)?" Her answer—No!
    "Do you understand Jewish customs?" Her answer—No!
    "Do you know Jewish history?" Her answer—No!

    I looked at the ceiling and said out loud, "Thanks God, you send me a Jew that doesn't know how to be a Jew!" (I truthfully heard a voice in my head say...."All you asked for was a Jew."

    She looked at me and said sweetly, "We never grew up knowing all that stuff, but I can tell you about Jesus and I'd love for you to come to our Saturday night church service."

    Yea, right...that's what I wanted to do on Saturday night. All my friends are out clubbin' and I'm in church....no thanks!

    We continued talking each time she came to pick up TVs and I found out that they only had service on Saturdays because it was considered a Mission. They had a church that they went to on Sunday. She kept buggin' me and a few weeks later, I relented and went to a service.

    Pastor Dann, her husband, preached on the same chapter of the Old Testament as I was reading at the time. (I was still reading the Bible, determined to get through it) He actually answered three questions that I had about what I was reading.

    And there was something very cool about him. The way he spoke, the way he acted(I'd never seen a preacher be so funny) I enjoyed myself, but when the night was over, I didn't have any intentions of going back...and I didn't. (But, I kept reading.) More questions...no answers!

    Several weeks later, Bonnie talked me into going to another service. AGAIN, Pastor was preaching on a section that I was stuck on. Now, I kinda' learn lessons the easy way....Figuring this was just way too weird to be coincidence, I relented and started going to Saturday night services. And I did learn...a lot...about me and the things God wants from us. But I wasn't quite ready to give up my lifestyle.

    One day a girl from church commented on how much I knew about the Bible and would I help her understand it. I told her I didn't think that I knew all that much, but I'd teach her what I knew. (I knew the words and the history, but....) Before I knew it I was teaching three girls. I sorta felt like this was a serious responsibility and during our lessons, I'd go outside to have a cigarette.

    That night, while smoking a cigarette at home, I told God that if I was going to continue teaching the Bible, He'd have to take this cigarette thing away, because it was a bad example to those girls. "Oh, and by the way God, you'd better make them taste bad, so I don't want to do it anymore!" (I smoked 2 packs a day...1997...they were still cheap).

    I sat there snickering watching TV. I finished my cigarette and went to bed. The next morning, I came down stairs, put the coffee on...and realized that I didn't have a cigarette in my hand. They were on the nightstand. That was the first thing I did when my feet hit the floor in the morning.

    I'm walking around going, "This is a good trick!" I went to the 'little girls room' and sat there going, "Nah, this ain't real. It's in my head!" I went into the living room, sat down and lit up (from the same pack I'd been smoking the night before). It smelled and tasted so bad, that I stubbed it out, looking at the ceiling, crying, "You tricked me!"

    I kept that pack of cigarettes for three weeks, waiting for it to wear off. It never did. I had a friend come to my shop, who also smoked the same brand that I did. She always shook one out of the pack for each of us. I automatically took it, and a voice said in my head, "You ask me to take it away, and I did. If you pick it back up, you'll have to get rid of it on your own...and you'll have to very soon!"

    I handed back the smoke and told her that I had quit. That was 1997.

    And I just grew from there. With no cigarettes, I literally grew :-) But, I mean in the Lord. And it has been a process. No flashing aberrations...no mystical lights...just a bunch of strange coincidences (I know now that there are no coincidences with God).

    But like I said...I always did learn pretty easy...no two-by-fours necessary to get me to learn!
    M. G. Tarquini said...
    ...history books taught that all wars were over religion or women. Apparently the textbook writers thought it too complex to explain reasons like "His grass is greener." or "I'm overcompensating because I'm short."

    Heh, Ric, religion and women were the excuses. All wars were fought over economics.

    I can't comment further because I'm supposed to be writing and I don't want to suffer The Wrath Of Bonnie
    M. G. Tarquini said...
    "Okay, that's stupid...I've already read the Bible...what'd somebody do stick money between the pages?"

    Oh dear. Oh dear, dear.
    *giggle*
    *more giggles*
    *all out guffaw*
    Oh dear. Off to change the shirt AGAIN.

    I'm not here. I'm writing. This is my evil doppleganger.
    An Ordinary Christian said...
    Bonnie, my oldest son tells this joke and the older women laugh: "if a man yells in the forest and nobody hears him, is he still wrong?" I feel kind of bad for the underlying negative image he is casting about men, but I guess you (men) just got to laugh at yourselves. What else to do? Bonnie, loved your answer to Steve, so tell us, you stated that you became "born-again" at a certain point. When and how did that exchange with God occur?
    Bonnie Calhoun said...
    'Born-again' is part of the process. When the Word sinks in, when I did something and in my head I'd hear, "Now you know you shouldn't be doing that!"

    This is where the flashing light comes in. I had that lightblub moment where I decided, "How's it workin' for ya'? Are you going to do it His way, or your way?"

    'Born-again' a heart condition. Really! When in your heart, you know God is real. From there it's learning and growing. It doesn't happen in a flash. It's a lifelong process, and Lord knows, I'm anything but perfect.

    I just keep pushing forward with our Lord Jesus there to help me!
    Bernita said...
    Bonnie, thank you for keeping my back over on Romancing the Blog.
    I know he caught it, but I appreciate it just the same.
    M. C. Pearson said...
    Okay, I'll have to read your testimony when Keegan isn't breathing over my shoulder waiting to play a game...You should post it. Anyway, about wars and women? Maybe like two were over women because some men want what they can't have. Although these jokes are hilarious and you've given equal time for men in your earlier post, I really don't think men and women are so much different. We are two halves of a whole. We each complete the other. I'd hate to live in an unisexed environment...where's the fun in that? God did good creating both. So, I say to ric, we love men and men love women. It's all fun and games so don't take your ball and go home. We enjoy the sport.
    nessili said...
    thanks Bonnie for another great time-eater--that etomology game's a real killer. And I too thought I was good. Sigh.
    An Ordinary Christian said...
    Thanks for your encouraging laughter on my site. "Born Again" I think happens in a moment, though the leading can take a long time, or whatever. It has to happen in a flash because at some point you are unregenerate and going to hell and at another you are born again and going to heaven. No?
    Tempie said...
    Bonnie,
    I can hardly write this for tears of joy and my fingers nervous! That is one of the most profound testimonies of God I have heard! I thank God for you and you sharing that with others for I am blessed reading it!
    I know the power of God and of prayer and I feel he placed that on your heart to write for a reason! I just through one of my online author forums just posted about the love I have for one of my Jewish friends. I was just sharing with them I have many Italian friends , in essence for me I have many friends and I see no boundaries, my God supplies me with a love for all and I am so grateful!!!
    May God continue To Bless You

    Love Ya Tempie
    Stranger in a Strange Land said...
    There are no coincidences with God...just the leading of the Spirit. Also, I've always thought God has an awesome sense of humor!
    Jennifer said...
    Awesome! Thanks for the side splitter. And thank you for your encouragement at my blog.
    M. G. Tarquini said...
    I did good on the etymologic game. The nuns would be proud.
    M. C. Pearson said...
    I love your testimony, Bonnie. You really need to post it. I'm planning on sending it to my sister-in -law who just can't stop smoking. (Yes, she is a Christian...and a pastor's wife to boot.) Post pictures to go with it... ;-)
    Bonnie Calhoun said...
    I thank you all, my friends for your strength and encouragement. You are all very dear to me, and I hope that God blesses us all with many happy years together.

    M.C., my pixie friend, I'm praying that your proposal is awesome.

    M.G. get back to writing!
    nessili said...
    Ooo, Ooo, I finally got a perfect on the etymology thingy. Twice! (okay, so they do start repeating questions if you play long enough, and I did play it compulsively for an hour or so, but I never all 10 as repeats, so it's not really cheating... Right? ;)
    Bonnie Calhoun said...
    Nessili, I don't know if I have that much patients, but I'll try....good job!

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