Monday, January 09, 2006


Ha, ha, auh, oops...who says Christians don't have a sense of humor? Even when they're seriously not trying. Boy, I bet some of these caused a lot of red faces along with apologies!

Announcements Taken from Church Bulletins

1. Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help. Pastor likes funerals better than weddings, at least they STAY in the ground!

2. Thursday night - Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow. New meaning to: bring your own dish!

3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. Spellcheck doesn't always help!

4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. Too much medication

5. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Belzer. Yikes! I'm not going there! Spellcheck! Spellcheck!

6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. Auh, Oops!

7. Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. There will be a, door prize!

8. Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor. Well, at least she's little and not queen-sized!

9. Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study. Yikes!

10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mr. Vassilas to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. That's gonna' hurt!

11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in. Can anyone say Depends!

12. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper. See #11

13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday. This is like shooting fish in a barrel!

14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. What a toot!

15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. Make a joyful noise!

16. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. I'm not touchin' it!

17. The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11. Yes, the merits of spellcheck!

18. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. Wahoo!

19. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. Yea, when those old people start falling apart it can get kinda' messy!

20. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes. I wonder if Mr. Johnson knows?

21. The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. No wonder the old people fell apart. they worked 'em to hard!

22. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child. Can you say episiotomy!

23. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. Can't they just sell cookies like the Girl scouts?

24. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. She looks out at the audience :-)

25. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours. And that's my last word!


  1. Mindy Tarquini said...
    OH dear, Bonnie, I've seen all these before, except for the church sign above and I'm still laughing like crazy!

    There's a little church at the place we go to at the shore that does those funny signs. The pastor of this one in Galveston, though, must have gotten more than a few raised eyebrows.
    M. C. Pearson said...
    Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

    Up yours!

    Oh man, I'm cracking up and it is Yikes...3 AM! I must be waking up the whole house but I don't care. So funny. That sign is just priceless.
    Joe said...
    You have a lot of nerve reading my church bulletin.

    "Up yours!" That was funny!
    Denise McDonald said...
    Where do you come up with these

    too too funny!
    Anonymous said...
    Church sign is great.

    Have a great week, everyone.
    Jean-Luc Picard said...
    I've seen a few before. They are all hilarious, though!
    Confessions of a Starving Mystery Writer said...
    Nice site. The sign is a classic. Must be a Southern Baptist. ; )
    WannabeMe said...
    I've always told people how much fun they'd be missing if they missed church.
    Jennifer said...
    Hilarious! I love those wacky church signs. Yes, we DO have a sense of humor!
    David Meigs said...
    Bonnie, you truly have a gift for funny. You've lifted my spirits again. Thank you!
    Bonnie S. Calhoun said...
    No, r.j. if you notice the sign, it's the Diocese of Galveston-Houston, a Catholic Church!
    Sara Thacker said...
    Okay, so I've read these church quips before but every time I see them again I stuck laughing so hard that tears drip down my cheeks and I have to use my shirt sleve to dry my eyes. No I can't get up for a klenex because then I would have to stop reading and lose the momentum of the laugh until you cry jag.
    Anonymous said...
    I love Church to. Have A Happy! I'm new to this blog stuff.

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